The Muse

Vienna

The week before I got divorced a sufi master told me “Your heart is so big, it is not meant to love and heal only one person! You should be happy that it will be free again soon.”

I was confused when he said that. I didn’t quite know what he meant.

A year later, I wrote “Wanna Roll with Me” where I layed out how intensely I love and what I expect from a woman I wanna roll with. Then, I was still thinking of myself only loving one person.

However, ever since I became true to myself again multiple healers and mystics have told me how “special” my heart is and that I heal through my heart… through my heart energy… through love… platonic or physical…

Truth is, I love intensely. And this type of love is not meant to last forever in this intensity. It is also not about building a relationship, it is meant to heal. Heal myself and the other.

Once the healing has reached it’s pinnacle, it is the time to let go. Not to let go of the other but the idea of a conventional relationship with each other. The past has shown me again and again that holding on to what is not meant to be a conventional relationship or conventional friendship, inflicts more pain, suffering and wounds than the initial healing.

What I wrote in “Wanna roll with me” is still perfectly true, yet – it might happen one day – but I’m not looking for a relationship… I am looking a muse.

A muse is a goddess that inspires me, that loves me, who’s love heals my wounds, who’s inspiration makes my heart wide open and let’s it radiate even more. A goddess who follows my invitation to go on a deep spiritual journey encountering me in the depth of the sea as one.

In union, we are one, two hearts opening, becoming one, healing as one. The muse becomes the lover, the lover becomes the muse. In the moment of union, there is no lover and no muse, there is only one.

Just like The Sun of Tabriz and the Prophet of Love became one for 40 days…

And then, as the story goes, the lover and the muse who – in union – becomes the lover and the lover becomes her muse, part.

But not indefinitely.

They become two individual suns again that radiate even stronger than before. They are self-determined, authentic and true to themselves and the other(s). They live their own authentic truth, walking on their own authentic paths.

They part in love and then unite again and again and again…

Although when they unite again they know the intensity will never be like at their first encounter, depth will eventually replace that intensity.

It is no longer that burning intensity of lightning hitting you hard but the deep blaze of the sun that nourishes each other and inspires one another.

Two suns, that are free, authentic for themselves and love and inspire each other.

This is the way I used to love muses before I gave in societal conditioning by marrying but now I eventually might have found another one.

vox

Gratitude

Evia

Today two years ago my daughter was born. Life is the ultimate celebration of life… it is the biggest gift that life can make.

A child belongs to both parents, yet is the property of none. And it brings so much joy to both families it derives from.

I still remember the magic and joy our child brought to us and our whole families and the six most beautiful months of my life thereafter.

It was a privilege to be able to witness my first daughter’s birth and I am grateful that the mother of our child let me be there.

I am grateful that the mother of our child gave birth to a healthy, intelligent and beautiful child.

I am grateful that she gave my family and especially my parents the joy and hope that comes with the first grandchild.

I am grateful that she allowed our linage to be continued, which always felt like a burden to me, since I didn’t want our millennia old Persian dynasty to end with me.

I am grateful, that the mother of our child was a strong mother and gave me the space from the beginning on while I was consumed with building a future for our family.

I am grateful, that she takes care of all the worldly needs of our daughter.

And I am grateful that she takes care of the emotional needs of our child a mother can give.

I am grateful that she is the best mother that she can be.

And I am grateful that she really tried hard to be a family although I obviouly didn’t fit into her world.

Eventually, it didn’t work out – however hard both of us tried.

There is simply a very deep gap in our values and our perception of life.

And although I disagree with her conclusions about me and, therefore, how she deals with the situation I am still grateful – grateful that she is the mother of our child.

Without her there wouldn’t be this miracle, our child.

Last year after the constellation work my spiritual teacher said that our daughter has her own karma and that this is the life situation she chose to be born into.

I love you Xenia Minou…

Koochooloo Kakadu

Baba

Poseidon’s Throne

Athens

On Saturday the 14th I experience one of the most intense days of my life. And although I have already written two entries, I really feel like it would not honour that experience, if I wouldn’t explicitly share my experiences of that day.

About a week earlier I had arrived in Chania were I met my friend Girogos and one of his friends. We did a road trip through Crete with his old-timer – us three, a dog and a cat.

I mean Giorgos is crazy. And that means something when I say it. Just look at his car and how we traveled.

The trip was wild. He rode his car as if it was a Humvee. And also – amongst other things – we slept in open air next to a chapel, in a Mitato (a shepard’s home in the mountains – and no it was not an Aurbnb, we just occupied it for the night) and on the beach.

After a week we arrived in Ierapetra and on Friday I moved on alone to Chrysi Island as I felt like I needed some time alone and it was obvious that I would go deep (inside) and do another ritual.

I went there with my small backpack, my hammock and knew that I would only be able to make it as long as my powerbank would last.

On Saturday I got up at around 6:30 am. I did some deep breathwork to get me into an altered state of consciousness. I love to explore places like this in an altered state of consciousness.

The wind was blowing hard… really hard. I thought it was the usual climate on this island. The whole scenery was kinda surreal. I mean, the wind was so strong that it would constantly blow sand into my face but i was kinda feeling like a natural pealing – I could even lean back into the wind and let go without falling down – combined with the tiny shells that is basically the sand, the abandoned buildings and vehicles (motorbikes and quads with no engine inside any longer) and bones of animals lying around.

I wasn’t sure, if I was hanging out in reality or a type of Mad-Max scenery or on Mars.

As I was exploring the wind started to blow so strong that even my beard couldn’t handle it any longer 😉

At some point the moment dragged me towards a special spot where I found fossilised shells surrounded a kind of pod that was an access to the see. In a straight line in from of the that pod in about 100 and 200 meters rocks came out of the see. The waves were high and fast – driven by the wind. I sat at in the pod looking at this divine play of the waves hitting the rocks in front of me. It just looked like massive wxplosions of water. It was possibly the most beautiful natural spectacle I have every experienced in my life. This spot seemed like a throne and a divine gate to the sea.

And then, the see called me… that I should go in and swim in it. It almost dragged me like a strong magnet. For a moment I questioned my sanity. The waves were really high and wild and I wondered if I would be able to make it alive.

Yet, I felt like I had to go in. I felt like the goda were calling me to swim with them.

And then I though: “Did I come here to die?”

Stan Grof once said, the wish to die is usually the wish for rebirth. And yes, I had the wish to be reborn. And then I thought – even if I die, I will be reborn again. And if I die, I die at one of the most beautiful places on earth. A spot were gods are born, made love and die.

I prepared myself to go in.

And then…

Xenia Minou

If I would die here, now I will never be able to be a good father for her… and perhaps people will tell her, I committed suicide.

But being there as a father in this lifetime is an illusion anyway, as her mother acts like she wants to cancel me out of our childs life.

So I felt like I had to go in.

I take my mobile to write to a friend:

“Brother, from this day on know: whenever i leave it’s not suicide, it’s just me making love with life”

But that moment my battery dies.

So I stay… “tomorrow is another day…”

The rest of the day, is just one of the most beautiful days of my life – only poets could describe it.

This surreal island, the wind, the waves.

Later, when I go to get a drink at the beach bar, I saw that nobody is around. It almost seems like the island is evacuated, although the wind got less and less hard and the waves much flatter the later it became.

And in fact – as I found out later – it was. The wind was not just strong, it was a proper coastal storm and there was a tornado warning the island was evacuated. But I was so far off the beaten track away from the tourists, that nobody told and found me. And I had thought this was just the normal climate of the island 🤣

Lucky bastard, once again, just like in ancient Delphi when I had this divine experience all alone because I was lucky enough that it was raining like hell and that there were no tourists.

In the evening the healer I work with called during our conversation I realised that I needed to make the funeral for my hope that one day my ex, our daughter and me will be a happy family again.

So I did the next day.

Eventually, the next day although still very windy the storm was over. I executed the ritual and then went into the sea. It was by far not as windy as the day before and although the waves were still high, they were by far not as high as the day before.

Back to Athens I tell my friends the story. Both respond “Seems like you discovered Poseidons Throne”

Lucky bastard… I am grateful for these divine, surreal, epic, tranformative, tourist free experiences I keep making here in greece, first in Delphi Zeus and Apollon, and now on Chrysi Poseidon 😉

vox

Dying to the Past – Being Reborn to the Future

The Lybiam See

Last year in July when I attended a “healing day” by my spiritual teacher she suddenly made a family constallation with the whole group for me.

Only her and me knew the topic. No-one else in the room knew what it was. And this is when constallation work always get’s spooky and is at it’s best: It was striking how accurate the representatives mirrowed the wohle situation without knowing anything about the story and who they represented.

Throughout the work my child would cry desperately for me – 45 Minutes non-stop – and the people she lives with didn’t understand why. And there was nothing I could do to get any closer. There was like a giant wall.

When the work ended, everyone in the room cried (including my spiritual teacher)… execpt for me.

The conclusion was, that i need to let go of my child.

What does it mean to let go of your child? I mean, how do you possibly let go of your child?!

So I went to Greece.

There is some situations in life that you cannot fix.

And still for the last 2 1/2 years I tried to fix a situation.

People usually say they would do anything for their child.

What does this actually mean: Anything?!

Would you do anything for your child?

Of course you would!

And I did.

And when I did, I did cross some boudaries.

What I did, was not out of greed. It was out of desperation… and – foremost – out of love. Love for the ones I cared most about and wanted to protect: The mother of my child and my child.

But I was too arrogant all along the way. And I am sincerely sorry for my mistakes and that I have disappointed the mother of my child.

There is these mistakes in life that you cannot fix!

Last week I was travelling with a healer. He said: “This situation with your child is eating you up alive… you need to let go of her… I don’t know how, but you need to let go of your child!”

The same advice, again!

In my meditation after that conversation, I realised that I still subconsciously had the hope, that we will one day be a happy family again.

I was quite shocked by that insight as it is obvious to me that too much glass has been shattered to work out.

I loved my family… very much! The first six months after my child’s birth were the six most beautiful months of my life! And although the relationship to the mother of my child was very challenging for me, still I loved her and our family.

And although rationally I was aware that there is no going back for me I wasn’t aware I still had this unconscious hope.

So, I decided to do a pilgrimage to the chapel on the other side of Chrysi Island were I stayed the last couple of days, reaptedly telling myself like a mantra: “I let go of the hope that we will be a happy family again one day.”

While repeating this mantra, I bursted out in tears. It was the first time I was able to cry since the separation. Now I realise since I didn’t cry before I wasn’t able to let go.

When I arrived at the chapel I started a ceremony by ringing the bell, symbolically talked to my family and then burried a beautiful stone representing my hope to be a happy family again and finished the ceremony by ringing the bell again.

When I went back from the ceremony I faced the sea to finish the ritual for initiating a new chapter.

In the old days getting baptised wasn’t just a symbolic ritual with some water put on the head. Babies were actually held under water for a long time to see if they are “worthy” of surviving.

So I faced the deep see and swam far out into the open see – much further than I have ever done before – to talk to the gods.

So, this time, the gods didn’t take me with them. Instead I was baptised by the sea.

vox

One with the sun… with the see

The Lybian See

Today I experienced the power of nature in an indescribable way.

I actually believe I found one of earths main energy points… well understandable, noone less than Zeus was born here.

I was so taken away by the beauty I felt like how it dragged me into the sea.

I wondered if I came here to die.

Something in me has died 1 1/2 years ago. And since, I am doing fine… but is my fire truely alive?

Where else better than this rough sea for the gods to test me.

But first I need to take the dead part of me to the graveyard…

Mark these words: Whenever it is I leave, it’s not suicide, it’s just me making love with life 😉

Another Crossroad

Athens Airport

So, at last I moved to a dear friend’s home as I couldn’t bare with the cats and cockroaches any longer.

I had a great time with my friend, although we stayed inside all the time – outside it still has more than 40 degrees. Just yesterday more than 120 new wildfire bursted out in Greece, the one in Athens only being one of them.

So we had some great food and deep conversations on life, love and narcissism.

As one of our friends is highly manipulative and has some other interesting traits we started to suspect that person might be narcissistic.

Eventually we read a bit about signs of narcissistic abuse and had some fun and some more hints 😉

Our converstions lead us to realize that most people’s life is merely a reaction to one or both parents.

I wondered if my life is too. Well of course my first reaction was “No!”

But if most people’s life is, why should I be the exception?!

In any case, to be grown up means really to outgrow the subconscious urge to react to your parents, doesn’t it?

But perhaps that’s enlightenment… who knows.

I’ll need some time to digest that 😉

For now I’m waiting at the airport to take my flight to… well, actually i have two options. In about an hour I have a flight from Athens to Crete, and in a few more hours, I have another flight from Athens to Budapest… will I go to meet some people who might be my future in Athens or will I go to the reinvented OZORA and do another ritual?

The more I approached to the airport the more I got seduced by my desire to stick to my original plan to go back to OZORA. Another crossroad… either decision will likely be decisive for my future path.

Let’s see, I need to decide now and stop writing. So I’ll solve this one like many of my big decisions in life… I’ll let fate decide ✌🏽

vox

I Feel You

Athens

Since 2018, every 1st of August has been a very special day for me. When I woke up this morning at a friend’s home where the building is controlled by cockroaches, I thought, “Hmm, this year August 1st won’t be special…. quite the opposite.”

I mean, being stuck in blazing hot Athens (where it get’s up to 45 degrees during the day and – moreover – doesn’t cool down below 30 degrees at night)… there is little to do other than staying at home (in-between cockroaches), especially since all of my friends are out of town or working this weekend.

In 2007, during my initial trip to Iran, additionally to the special encounter with my ex-wife I had another encounter that was so intense that cannot really be put in words. It was like a nuclear reaction, the deepest of platonic love I had ever experienced… two man finding their Shams in each other…

However, after I married in 2010, he entered into a prolonged negative altered state of consciousness. It seemed like the man I had know and loved was gone. I didn’t recognise him again ever since. Some people told me, that he wouldn’t change anymore. But I was convinced that he would some day.

In the summer of 2018, I was told that he was back to his old self. Coincidentally, this sudden change of consciousness had appeared at the same time my ex-wife and me had separated.  Anyway, I knew – if true – at some stage he would connect.

There are some things in life that are inevitable to happen – because the nature of reality makes them inevitable.

During my last ritual at the summer solstice 40 days ago I had a deep insight concerning us, being able to forgive myself and him for some shit that had happened between us.

Today, for the first time in over ten years he called me. When I heard the tone of his voice, I knew he is back!

He kinda tried to explain what has happened over the last 10 years.

Ya mashoogh, I feel you… there is nothing to explain or to be sorry for. All of us on the path experience the dark night of the soul at some stage.

It’s been 10 years… it’s time to meet again and teach each other what we have learned from our dark nights 😉

Ya hagh

KK

Costa Del Sol

Vienna

The last ten days I joined my family’s gathering at the Costa del Sol.

My mothers family decided to go on this trip together (for three weeks) and it was the first time in over a year that I’ve seen most of my family members (except for a short moment at my grandmothers funeral).

So it was a very special occasion and very likely the last time that we will meet in this constellation in this type of atmosphere, as some family members are not necessarily the most healthy.

And although I sometime feel like I don’t connect too deeply to some of my family members I kinda felt like I wanted to join. And also I felt like I wanted to connect to one family member in particular on a deeper level.

This trip kinda turned out to be what I had expected: Not too relaxing but still beautiful and intense.

Daytimes, everyone did their thing but in the evenings we spend our time together. Of course, in a group of 12 people of all ages and very different interests, there was some tension but mostly we laughed a lot, we ate well, we danced a lot and had a good time and bonded in a new way.

Some people in my family saw my crazy dancing for the first time. And thank god only half of my mankini belly dance was recorded 😉

Eventually I would stay three days longer than planned. For one thing because it was nice to share time with my family but mostly because my dad is not too well. I mean, seeing how his feet have swollen so he needed to get shoes two size bigger than his usual size, we were all a bit shocked. One family member was straight with me saying that if he doesn’t radically change his eating habits and moving behaviour, he won’t be alive for much longer. He doesn’t want to admit and I am not sure whether he resigned or is till in denial.

Looking at him, I know it is true. As I am leaving Vienna for an uncertain amount of time on Thursday it might potentially be the last time I saw him. So I stayed for three days longer.

We didn’t talk a lot these days but still made peace in our own way.

Two things would coin the pictures in my head these days. One is a mental image of my dad playing with me when I was between one and two years old and how much joy I brought into his life during the hardest year of his life.

I do understand now how much he must have loved being with me when I see how much joy my daughter brought into his life. It was the first time I ever saw him happy in my lifetime over an extended period of time… the first six months after my daughter was born.

And I do understand the disappointment he must have felt when I grew older and started having my challenges with him. I know he feels like I never appreciated what he did for me and do not understand how much he loves me. And perhaps I don’t… how should I be able to tell?

But with this image in my head these days I see how he plays with me and as I know how much joy my daughter brought into my life when she was born I kinda now understand his pain and how his inability to show his love in an empathetic way is emotionally tormenting him. I feel like he is still seeking for that little child in me who loved him unconditionally.

The other image I keep seeing is the image of me carrying my daughter in my right arm during my dad’s funeral to his grave.

And what is disturbing for me is that in the last few days I find myself mentally preparing my father’s eulogy.

This morning while I had my morning coffee with him just before I left I had tears in my eyes.

This images made me realize how much he loves me and I how much I love him.

I had a lot of mentors and surrogate fathers in this lifetime, still, none ever loved me as much as he does and none will ever be able to take the place of my father.

At last, I am his son and he is my father.

vox

Domination

I had the honour to be interviewing one of the great women of our time for my first episode of season two of my podcast: Riane Eisler.

It is interesting, originally she is Austrian, but hardly anyone in Austria knows her.

She is considered to be one of the most influential people in the peace-movement of the last 100 years – being named alongside people like Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, the Dalai Lama, Martin Luther King Jr. and more and is considered as one of the icons of the equal rights movement. Equally, she is only one of 20 people in history to be considered to be a macro-historian and the first woman ever. Other notable people include Adam Smith, Karl Marx, Max Weber and Yuval Noah Harari.

Why only few people know her here in Austria might be connected to her being a woman and also challenging the status quo of male domination 😉

Apart from her bestsellers she is best know for her partnership – domination model with which she shows that as a humanity, we need to overcome our “domination mindset”: Either you dominate or get dominated. Within this mindset – which rules most people – people see no partnership alternative, although it is partnership where we need to elevate our collective consciousness to if we want to tackle our biggest challenges (the concept of Tribal Leadership kinda shows the same thing).

Well, that doesn’t sound ground breaking or “sexy”, but often it is the basics that lead us to a higher level (the one thing I learned interviewing a true champion – Dieter Kalt).

It is interesting, essentially, her conclusions were also my conclusion when it comes to the biggest challenges of our time, just before her work came to my attention (she kinda confirmed it).

And it doesn’t make any difference if it is in the case of love relationships, parenting, family, our social structure, politics, society or humanity.

From the spiritual point of view – maybe partnership, equality and collaboration is our collective calling – our collective path to “enlightenment” that we humans need to learn to collaborate as partners on eye-height to elevate to the next level of our evolution. Essentially I personally believe that this is humanity’s collective quest – we need to find out that we have to shift from the mindset of “me vs. you” to “we”.

I believe that domination derives from fear and to lose power and control or it derives from weakness. If I am truly abundant, I do not have the urge to dominate or get dominated. I do not fear to loose anything if I face the “you” as a partner and not as a potential foe.

So for the sake of ourselves – and more importantly – for the sake of our children, we need to overcome our fears and overcome the paradigm of domination.

And Riane Eisler has contributed the scientific as well as practical foundations for that mindset.

So, it is not merely an idealistic delusion but a research back reality.

A famous anthropologist called Riane’s book “The Chalice and The Blade” “the most important book since Darwin’s Origin of Species”.

Hopefully, I’ll be around to see if people in 50 years or so, will consider this to be true.

Until then I hope that the wise will face their fears, give up domination and start collaborative partnerships for the sake of the ones we love most. It’s time to unite in peace for humanity.

vox