Last Winter Solstice I apologized to the mother of my child for my wrongdoings through a voice message as she never gave me the chance to look her into her eyes and doing it in person.
But what value does an apology have when the other does not know or see that it is sincere?
Yesterday, after 21 months for the first time I had to chance to do it in person. I seized the moment and made a reference with which I made a clear confession, then I apologized and asked for forgiveness.
Is this the turning point?
As I said in the past. I believe it usually takes a pregnancy-cycle for a seed that is planted to evolve into a child 😉
So let’s see what happens by autumn 2022.
Happy winter solstice, Yalda and beginning of winter everyone.
My winter solstice trance ritual: Trance Ritual on Soundcloud
Thursday I saw my daughter for the first time in nine months.
I didn’t expect her to recognize me as I never had the feeling that she knew who I was since the separation from her mother. Since I had already gone through this unimaginable pain of not being recognized by my own child 1 1/2 years ago, I coped quite well with this circumstance – I mean, as well as one can ever cope with it who loved him child.
So she reacted the way she always does when she sees me…. somehow indifferent. I stood in front of her all the time and although she faced me, she always just looked past me and never looked me into the eyes, no matter what I was trying to do. And she didn’t speak anything either, although she can already speak (which she couldn’t yet the last time I saw her).
After about 20 minutes I asked her mother – while looking at my child – if she doesn’t speak. Her mother said that she is open but might be a bit shy right now. Then I replied that she doesn’t even look into my eyes.
That instant, my girl would look into my eyes for a short moment and looked away again. I realized that she understood everything but just didn’t want to look me into my eyes.
I instantly remembered the first time she looked me into my eyes after not having seen me in four month last year in October. She was kinda stunned the moment her eyes hit mine.
And then I remembered the first time I had the impression she consciously saw me. It was Jannuary 25th at around six o’clock in the morning. I had just returned from a goa-dance ritual. She was merely five months old and when I layed down next to her, she woke up and looked deeply into my eyes and smiled and continued looking. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
So after looking into my eyes for a short moment she would continue looking past me and not talking and we would go to different stations at the playground.
About ten minutes before I had to leave she suddenly called me Papa – for the first time in my life. I was stunned. I didn’t expect her to know who I am. I cannot describe how it felt.
And then, for the last minutes she would run around happily, as if she was happy that she is finally reunited with her dad.
Back in Vienna, I spoke with a pedagogue about these things. She said that my daughter was probably angry with me for not being in her life and that it was perhaps an act of defiance – especially the way she acted in the end.
My time will come… and when it does, perhaps there will be a lot of anger against me. But I can take this anger as she is my daughter. And when our time has come, she will see and feel how much I truly love her.
… I was the enemy…
…although I had loved and wanted to protect both of them…
In various spiritual traditions and psychology forty days has an important meaning.
When we fall in love we have to wait forty days to be sure of our feelings.
In mystical thought, the number 40 represents the elevation to a higher level and spiritual awakening.
Shams and Rumi met and locked themselves up in Rumi’s library for forty days before Rumi became enlightened.
The Buddha meditated under a tree for 40 days.
And Jesus Christ went into the desert for 40 days.
And the list goes on and on and on…
Forty days ago I met a very special woman. And it is bedazzling how I was struck like from lightning by her inner and outer beauty.
What kinda shocked me is that I drew the same cards that I drew before I fathered my daughter. What started out like the feeling that I found a muse now more like this could potentially become a deeper relationship.
And yes, fathering another child kinda became a possibility. Having a child is one of the most beautiful things in life… if not the most beautiful one. And since I am not allowed to see my daughter discover the world, deeply inside of me, there is the wish to father another child.
Today our fortieth day ended and indeed it was a special day, as we connected in a way we hadn’t connected before. So let’s see where life will take us. I’m not sure if it is the right time neither for her nor for me. Maybe I should hit the breaks…
In any case the last forty days were kinda crazy. Was she the catalyst or was it me:
In late September I realized I needed to cancel the contract with my agent. I mean, I really like my agent personally, yet, I feel like it is not the right time for me to work with her as I really need to get my other project going and speaking kinda is a real distraction at the moment. Working with Austria’s most prolific speaker agent is a great honor and opportunity. But again, I’m not sure if it is the right time for me.
A few days later the app of my new project was launched in the app store. Woohoo, I actually do have an app in the app store now and the timing is kinda perfect, now that I have time to fully focus on promoting it.
And then, a few days later I edited an episode of my podcast where I interviewed I person I value very much. I find she is a genius, yet I found she had a lot of detrimental self-talk in the podcast. It was the first time I cut out the majority of an episode, as it was quite negative talk. I talked to her to tell her she didn’t understand. She had a lot of frustration about her past and told me “I will forget but never forgive!” I automatically replied “Look, this is not healthy. Believe me, I can feel your pain. What shall I tell you?! I forgave the one who took away my child from me. I cannot be mad at someone who is hypnotized by other people or society.” I was kinda surprised by my response. But reality is, it is the truth. How can you be mad at someone who is not aware of what he or she is doing? And most people are in a. kind of hypnosis. Go check out my podcast episode with hypnotist Albert Nerenberg. And that’s why I’ve finally started going deeper into hypnosis this months.
At last I coincidentally saw a picture from my granddad in a newspaper article. It struck me. The article was about the 2,500 year celebration of the Persian Empire. 50 years ago the shah of Iran celebrated a “party” that famously was described by Orsen Welles as “This was no party of the year, it was the celebration of 25 centuries!” The Iranian Shah had invited the international elites including presidents, kings and queens from all over the world attended this celebration Where the Shah declared himself as the “King of Kings” in front of the united international elite. It is no wonder that he was overthrown a few years later with the support of the West. I mean, who would be so bold as to offend the world’s elites so blatantly?
And my grandfather?! He was the man who stood right behind the Shah as the standard-bearer of the 2,500-year-old empire. Of course I was always aware of that fact, but at that moment it struck me once again and I had to laugh out hard about this absurdity: Me and my heritage were good enough for the international political and aristocratic elite but not good enough for the provincial “high-society” living around a lake in Austria 🤣
40 fun, intense, productive, transformative days are behind me. I mean, they were super intense. Let’s see what the next 40 have in store.
The week before I got divorced a sufi master told me “Your heart is so big, it is not meant to love and heal only one person! You should be happy that it will be free again soon.”
I was confused when he said that. I didn’t quite know what he meant.
A year later, I wrote “Wanna Roll with Me” where I layed out how intensely I love and what I expect from a woman I wanna roll with. Then, I was still thinking of myself only loving one person.
However, ever since I became true to myself again multiple healers and mystics have told me how “special” my heart is and that I heal through my heart… through my heart energy… through love… platonic or physical…
Truth is, I love intensely. And this type of love is not meant to last forever in this intensity. It is also not about building a relationship, it is meant to heal. Heal myself and the other.
Once the healing has reached it’s pinnacle, it is the time to let go. Not to let go of the other but the idea of a conventional relationship with each other. The past has shown me again and again that holding on to what is not meant to be a conventional relationship or conventional friendship, inflicts more pain, suffering and wounds than the initial healing.
What I wrote in “Wanna roll with me” is still perfectly true, yet – it might happen one day – but I’m not looking for a relationship… I am looking a muse.
A muse is a goddess that inspires me, that loves me, who’s love heals my wounds, who’s inspiration makes my heart wide open and let’s it radiate even more. A goddess who follows my invitation to go on a deep spiritual journey encountering me in the depth of the sea as one.
In union, we are one, two hearts opening, becoming one, healing as one. The muse becomes the lover, the lover becomes the muse. In the moment of union, there is no lover and no muse, there is only one.
Just like The Sun of Tabriz and the Prophet of Love became one for 40 days…
And then, as the story goes, the lover and the muse who – in union – becomes the lover and the lover becomes her muse, part.
But not indefinitely.
They become two individual suns again that radiate even stronger than before. They are self-determined, authentic and true to themselves and the other(s). They live their own authentic truth, walking on their own authentic paths.
They part in love and then unite again and again and again…
Although when they unite again they know the intensity will never be like at their first encounter, depth will eventually replace that intensity.
It is no longer that burning intensity of lightning hitting you hard but the deep blaze of the sun that nourishes each other and inspires one another.
Two suns, that are free, authentic for themselves and love and inspire each other.
This is the way I used to love muses before I gave in societal conditioning by marrying but now I eventually might have found another one.
Today two years ago my daughter was born. Life is the ultimate celebration of life… it is the biggest gift that life can make.
A child belongs to both parents, yet is the property of none. And it brings so much joy to both families it derives from.
I still remember the magic and joy our child brought to us and our whole families and the six most beautiful months of my life thereafter.
It was a privilege to be able to witness my first daughter’s birth and I am grateful that the mother of our child let me be there.
I am grateful that the mother of our child gave birth to a healthy, intelligent and beautiful child.
I am grateful that she gave my family and especially my parents the joy and hope that comes with the first grandchild.
I am grateful that she allowed our linage to be continued, which always felt like a burden to me, since I didn’t want our millennia old Persian dynasty to end with me.
I am grateful, that the mother of our child was a strong mother and gave me the space from the beginning on while I was consumed with building a future for our family.
I am grateful, that she takes care of all the worldly needs of our daughter.
And I am grateful that she takes care of the emotional needs of our child a mother can give.
I am grateful that she is the best mother that she can be.
And I am grateful that she really tried hard to be a family although I obviouly didn’t fit into her world.
Eventually, it didn’t work out – however hard both of us tried.
There is simply a very deep gap in our values and our perception of life.
And although I disagree with her conclusions about me and, therefore, how she deals with the situation I am still grateful – grateful that she is the mother of our child.
Without her there wouldn’t be this miracle, our child.
Last year after the constellation work my spiritual teacher said that our daughter has her own karma and that this is the life situation she chose to be born into.
I love you Xenia Minou…
On Saturday the 14th I experience one of the most intense days of my life. And although I have already written two entries, I really feel like it would not honour that experience, if I wouldn’t explicitly share my experiences of that day.
About a week earlier I had arrived in Chania were I met my friend Girogos and one of his friends. We did a road trip through Crete with his old-timer – us three, a dog and a cat.
I mean Giorgos is crazy. And that means something when I say it. Just look at his car and how we traveled.
The trip was wild. He rode his car as if it was a Humvee. And also – amongst other things – we slept in open air next to a chapel, in a Mitato (a shepard’s home in the mountains – and no it was not an Aurbnb, we just occupied it for the night) and on the beach.
After a week we arrived in Ierapetra and on Friday I moved on alone to Chrysi Island as I felt like I needed some time alone and it was obvious that I would go deep (inside) and do another ritual.
I went there with my small backpack, my hammock and knew that I would only be able to make it as long as my powerbank would last.
On Saturday I got up at around 6:30 am. I did some deep breathwork to get me into an altered state of consciousness. I love to explore places like this in an altered state of consciousness.
The wind was blowing hard… really hard. I thought it was the usual climate on this island. The whole scenery was kinda surreal. I mean, the wind was so strong that it would constantly blow sand into my face but i was kinda feeling like a natural pealing – I could even lean back into the wind and let go without falling down – combined with the tiny shells that is basically the sand, the abandoned buildings and vehicles (motorbikes and quads with no engine inside any longer) and bones of animals lying around.
I wasn’t sure, if I was hanging out in reality or a type of Mad-Max scenery or on Mars.
As I was exploring the wind started to blow so strong that even my beard couldn’t handle it any longer 😉
At some point the moment dragged me towards a special spot where I found fossilised shells surrounded a kind of pod that was an access to the see. In a straight line in from of the that pod in about 100 and 200 meters rocks came out of the see. The waves were high and fast – driven by the wind. I sat at in the pod looking at this divine play of the waves hitting the rocks in front of me. It just looked like massive wxplosions of water. It was possibly the most beautiful natural spectacle I have every experienced in my life. This spot seemed like a throne and a divine gate to the sea.
And then, the see called me… that I should go in and swim in it. It almost dragged me like a strong magnet. For a moment I questioned my sanity. The waves were really high and wild and I wondered if I would be able to make it alive.
Yet, I felt like I had to go in. I felt like the goda were calling me to swim with them.
And then I though: “Did I come here to die?”
Stan Grof once said, the wish to die is usually the wish for rebirth. And yes, I had the wish to be reborn. And then I thought – even if I die, I will be reborn again. And if I die, I die at one of the most beautiful places on earth. A spot were gods are born, made love and die.
I prepared myself to go in.
If I would die here, now I will never be able to be a good father for her… and perhaps people will tell her, I committed suicide.
But being there as a father in this lifetime is an illusion anyway, as her mother acts like she wants to cancel me out of our childs life.
So I felt like I had to go in.
I take my mobile to write to a friend:
“Brother, from this day on know: whenever i leave it’s not suicide, it’s just me making love with life”
But that moment my battery dies.
So I stay… “tomorrow is another day…”
The rest of the day, is just one of the most beautiful days of my life – only poets could describe it.
This surreal island, the wind, the waves.
Later, when I go to get a drink at the beach bar, I saw that nobody is around. It almost seems like the island is evacuated, although the wind got less and less hard and the waves much flatter the later it became.
And in fact – as I found out later – it was. The wind was not just strong, it was a proper coastal storm and there was a tornado warning the island was evacuated. But I was so far off the beaten track away from the tourists, that nobody told and found me. And I had thought this was just the normal climate of the island 🤣
Lucky bastard, once again, just like in ancient Delphi when I had this divine experience all alone because I was lucky enough that it was raining like hell and that there were no tourists.
In the evening the healer I work with called during our conversation I realised that I needed to make the funeral for my hope that one day my ex, our daughter and me will be a happy family again.
So I did the next day.
Eventually, the next day although still very windy the storm was over. I executed the ritual and then went into the sea. It was by far not as windy as the day before and although the waves were still high, they were by far not as high as the day before.
Back to Athens I tell my friends the story. Both respond “Seems like you discovered Poseidons Throne”
Lucky bastard… I am grateful for these divine, surreal, epic, tranformative, tourist free experiences I keep making here in greece, first in Delphi Zeus and Apollon, and now on Chrysi Poseidon 😉
The Lybiam See
Last year in July when I attended a “healing day” by my spiritual teacher she suddenly made a family constallation with the whole group for me.
Only her and me knew the topic. No-one else in the room knew what it was. And this is when constallation work always get’s spooky and is at it’s best: It was striking how accurate the representatives mirrowed the wohle situation without knowing anything about the story and who they represented.
Throughout the work my child would cry desperately for me – 45 Minutes non-stop – and the people she lives with didn’t understand why. And there was nothing I could do to get any closer. There was like a giant wall.
When the work ended, everyone in the room cried (including my spiritual teacher)… execpt for me.
The conclusion was, that i need to let go of my child.
What does it mean to let go of your child? I mean, how do you possibly let go of your child?!
So I went to Greece.
There is some situations in life that you cannot fix.
And still for the last 2 1/2 years I tried to fix a situation.
People usually say they would do anything for their child.
What does this actually mean: Anything?!
Would you do anything for your child?
Of course you would!
And I did.
And when I did, I did cross some boudaries.
What I did, was not out of greed. It was out of desperation… and – foremost – out of love. Love for the ones I cared most about and wanted to protect: The mother of my child and my child.
But I was too arrogant all along the way. And I am sincerely sorry for my mistakes and that I have disappointed the mother of my child.
There is these mistakes in life that you cannot fix!
Last week I was travelling with a healer. He said: “This situation with your child is eating you up alive… you need to let go of her… I don’t know how, but you need to let go of your child!”
The same advice, again!
In my meditation after that conversation, I realised that I still subconsciously had the hope, that we will one day be a happy family again.
I was quite shocked by that insight as it is obvious to me that too much glass has been shattered to work out.
I loved my family… very much! The first six months after my child’s birth were the six most beautiful months of my life! And although the relationship to the mother of my child was very challenging for me, still I loved her and our family.
And although rationally I was aware that there is no going back for me I wasn’t aware I still had this unconscious hope.
So, I decided to do a pilgrimage to the chapel on the other side of Chrysi Island were I stayed the last couple of days, reaptedly telling myself like a mantra: “I let go of the hope that we will be a happy family again one day.”
While repeating this mantra, I bursted out in tears. It was the first time I was able to cry since the separation. Now I realise since I didn’t cry before I wasn’t able to let go.
When I arrived at the chapel I started a ceremony by ringing the bell, symbolically talked to my family and then burried a beautiful stone representing my hope to be a happy family again and finished the ceremony by ringing the bell again.
When I went back from the ceremony I faced the sea to finish the ritual for initiating a new chapter.
In the old days getting baptised wasn’t just a symbolic ritual with some water put on the head. Babies were actually held under water for a long time to see if they are “worthy” of surviving.
So I faced the deep see and swam far out into the open see – much further than I have ever done before – to talk to the gods.
So, this time, the gods didn’t take me with them. Instead I was baptised by the sea.
The Lybian See
Today I experienced the power of nature in an indescribable way.
I actually believe I found one of earths main energy points… well understandable, noone less than Zeus was born here.
I was so taken away by the beauty I felt like how it dragged me into the sea.
I wondered if I came here to die.
Something in me has died 1 1/2 years ago. And since, I am doing fine… but is my fire truely alive?
Where else better than this rough sea for the gods to test me.
But first I need to take the dead part of me to the graveyard…
Mark these words: Whenever it is I leave, it’s not suicide, it’s just me making love with life 😉