Final Call?

This morning my mother called. My brother in Iran who was jailed for being a leader of the current recolution was released on bail last week. She said perhaps it’s the last opportunity for to talk to him as today his verdict will be announced in court.

Picture: KK Kurdistan February 2007

Under normal circumstances, he would get three to five years in prison, which can already be leathal in Irans prisons. But under a decree issued recently, the demonstrations in Iran are declared a “war against God”.

That implies the death penalty.

I called him. All this weeks I kinda felt numb when I thought about him and the situation. Maybe I believed that I would talk to him again.

But when I called him this morning, tears streamed down my face.

He picked up the phone.

It was hard for me to keep my voice calm, trying not to let him know that I fear the worst.

He started talking about how he felt and what he experienced the last weeks for a few minutes and then he said “Tell me something about your life.”

I said I came back to Vienna because my father is not well and to see my daughter, also telling him that things are getting better with her mother.

And then I told him about lucid dreaming and how I focus now on going deeper on it and gave him, possibly, my last teaching in this lifetime.

He thanked me and wanted to fare me well.

“Brother, one more thing!” I say “You are a hero of Iran!”

“There is much bigger heroes than me!” he responded.

“There always is!” I reinforce “And still, you are one of them… and also a true dervish! Never forget, whatever they do, they can take your life, yet, your influence will always live in others and in me. They can kill you but your poems will live forever! Ya hagh!”

kk

Lost in London Transit

London

Yesterday I arrived in London with a six hour overstay and the necessity to transit between Luton and Gatwick airport.

So I thought I’ll pay a visit to Camden Market.

The first time I was there in 2001 I bought myself my bachelors graduation gift: My the red leather jacket, which became one of my trademarks.

The second time I went there three years ago, when I paid London a visit for my first keynote speech outside of Austria. Then I bought a ring for the mother of my child, which was something quite unique for me, as before, I only did so for the woman I would go on to marry.

This time I thought I’ll get another leather jacket. My cousin really loves the original one I bought back in 2001 and I kinda felt like it’s time to pass it on. So I got a new one… and some other cool stuff 🤙🏽 shit… I really shouldn’t go to Camden too often…

Especially, when there is a strike of the public transport workers. Turns out that my new leather jacket costs me about double of what I paid for when I consider my newly booked flight and the hotel for the extra night 🤣

But yeah, definitely worth it spending my night with a London DJ who became one of my closest friends during the pandemic.

In London transit…

What a wild six weeks. Really wild ✌🏽

So my Persian family and me, we are having the time of our lives with all this beauty around us and the excitement of starting a new life. And our work is picking up as well. One of my goals was to film one video by Christmas so we could apply for festivals. Well, that’s done already now.

It’s so beautiful to live with a family with a four year old girl. She kinda became my second daughter and it’s so beautiful that I can experience with her what I can’t experience with my own daughter and give her all the love my daughter really deserved.

And then, the women here… what shall I say 🤷🏽‍♂️

Some women think I’m small, fat and unattractive 😳 And then, there is the women here in Portugal 😉

Six weeks… wow, what shall I say?!

And now I’m heading back to Vienna to see my father who had another cancer surgery. But in reality the cancer is the smaller of his problems. The bigger one is his weak heart.

I’m going back to try to leverage the moment he might be open to some holistic approaches now due to the shock he’s going through now.

If this time he doesn’t wake up, that’s it… I truly believe.

And also, I will see my sun ☀️

“Papa, wo bist du?”

This one sentence she said when last met, carried me for the last six weeks.

As much as I despise Vienna, I love to return.

“Da bin ich 😍”

vox

Little Paradise

Lagos

So it’s been a week now that I’ve settled here in Lagos. Although it’s a city and I had planned to live in nature, it’s a very nice city to live in. Essencia simply didn’t properly prepare to host people like me to stay over winter (which get’s fairly cold but more importantly, humid) and their guesthouse is too expensive for me.

So, I live with my Persian family together in a nice apartment in a nice area. The sea is about 10 minutes by foot away and Shirzad and me, we go there every morning for our morning practice, doing Qi Gong on the beach and then breath work before we go into the cold water of the Atlantic ocean. It is not freezing cold yet but we really plan to go throughout the winter and I’m also looking forward to this.

Daytimes I work and in the evenings we either do some type of bodywork, music together or attend one of the many offers like ecstatic dance, yoga, cacao ceremonies, etc. around and connect to cool people.

And while back home it’s becoming winter again, here, after the rain nature are blossoming again like in spring…

The vibe here is amazing. Really, we are so far away from the worries of the war, the pandemic, energy crisis or anything alike. People from all around the world gather here to live, heal, enjoy their lives.

And really, coming here once more showed me how sick and psychotic the energy in Austria is. Austria is like a golden cage, with one of the most beautiful countries in the world and a system that is second to none… but there is still this deeply underlying fascistic subconscious Nazi spirit in the society (that I sometimes can even feel from left-wing people). It is so subtle that you can hardly even grab it once you are there a couple of weeks. However, from the outside you can quite obviously see it, e.g. looking at the presidential elections 2016 when a Nazi got 50% of the votes. “But he is not a Nazi!”… yeah, right, like Trump who’s not a sexual predator 😉

So really, finally I have freed myself from this sick energy. My only concern is my daughter that has to grow up in this braun-hole of a country. Her mother is extremely caring and takes care of all her needs but is yet to be confronted with the racism that our daughter will experience once she is in school… especially in the area that she lives in, which is known to be the brownest of them all. Money can buy her a lot of things but unfortunately not protect her from racism.

So, I really hope they will come here one day and see how beautiful life can be around here so they might also even want to settle in the area and we can live like patchwork family.

South Portugal is amazing, so wildly beautiful with it’s nature, the sun, the ocean… so archaic, with the fire and the winds… so healing with all the sacred medicine work around… so culturally diverse with people from all over the world coming to this place that also used to be an empire… one being connected to places like Brazil and Goa… and you can really feel the vibe of these places here, but it’s in Europe…

Especially if you are a remote worker, it’s the perfect place if you like the vibe of the sun, love the nature, live a spiritual life and want to be truly free…

It’s a little paradise!

vox

The Grandmother Ceremony

Lagos

Saturday I did my fourth ritual for the transition into my new life. It was a grandmother ceremony including possibly my most powerful Kambo session yet, with two medicine men from the Huni Kuin tribe.

It was very intense and powerful. Most of all I realised how blessed I am in life with many things that “happened to me” and the people that are a major part of my life, i.e. my family, my child and her mother and my close friends.

I am truly blessed despite the traumas I have experienced in this lifetime – with experiencing the revolution in Iran as a baby and it’s aftermath as a child growing up with deeply traumatized parents as well as physical-, emotional- and sexual abuse and this deep level of racism against middle eastern men in Austria – I’ve experienced deeper shit than most of my peers experienced… and still, I am grateful.

I realised on a different level that my father is dying – possibly quite soon, hopefully he has some more time to enjoy his grandchild and his new home – but he is dying. When the psychic told me so at the beginning of September, I didn’t want to hear it. And now I can see that I have the opportunity to make true peace with him to fare him well. I hope he will make it to Spain so I can visit him there. Austria just doesn’t feel like the right place to make peace.

During the ceremony I made peace with many people on a deeper level and felt gratitude for who they are in my life and what they do and did for and to me. Now it’s time for me to move on.

And I do. I feel so welcome here in South Portugal since I arrived. With all the people I got to know. The way the people positively react towards me and the doors that open. And the energy, it’s so different. Austria still has this deeply underlying subtle Nazi energy and I can always feel it when I am there… especially when I am here in Portugal or in Greece. It’s so different to be here and I am blessed that I can be.

I’m on the brink of the next stage of my life now. In a way it means that I need to stop fooling myself about many things and start doing certain things that build me and my future. When do I want to start, if not now.

In a way I feel like I’ve grown up in this ceremony and this ritual prepared my consciousness to manifest the next stage of my life.

I’m Here, Now and ready!

Let’s roll…

vox

The Grandfather Ceremony

Nazaré

Thursday was one of my most stressful birthdays ever. I had to get prepared for my trip and celebrate 😉

Friday, I was travelling all day long.

Saturday the ritual at the Temple of the Earth started. It was the third of five rituals I started for the transition into my new life.

I love these rituals. The way they build up. The way you look at people at the beginning and the end and everything that happens in between.

We started with our intentions. One tamazcal stone with an intention for ourself and the second for one loved one that needs healing. For a moment I thought to choose another person but I ended up with my father as he is seriously ill. I hesitated… also the psychic I work with had made a hint – just first week before his diagnosis – that he might not live very much longer as he is already on his farewell ride. It somehow feels strange to wish for someone to live longer that has already decided to go. So I wished for the healing he needs before he goes.

So we start with the tamazcal/sweatlodge and although I love sauna, tamazcal is challenging in a very different way. And I love it. Every time you do it, it feels like a rebirth.

And then the medicine, the grandfather, for me it is really subtle but very powerful… very powerful.

I came here to have a proper landing into my new life. And, wow, what a ritual. What a start into the next chapter. What a landing back to Portugal.

So after two cups we sat at the bond-fire and the people were addressing the bond-fire as grandfather fire. So I thought I might just ask my grandfather for his blessing and support. And then it hit me. It was on that day 43 years ago when he was murdered in jail for being the powerful and charismatic man he was. Officially it was rated as suicide but in reality he was beaten to death – otherwise he would have had a solid head.

What a better day to get a blessing of my grandfather than on the anniversary of his death. And then I wondered… “Shall I get politically active now?” It took me a while to ask him but his answer was a definite “No!”

I was a bit confused and then looked up the sky. I see one of the most beautiful star skies I’ve every seen. And then I say out spontaneously “Why the fuck did I stay for the last two months in Austria?”… “Because I wanted my daughter to feel my love for her and how much I miss her. And one day, I will play Cosmic Game with her and show her that amazing star sky.”

vox

The Next Episode?

Up in the Air

What a crazy summer!

Experiencing psytrance on another level while initiating people into this world. This world which is really mine. A world of healing, connectedness, serendipity, abundance and syncronicity.

And then Vienna…

Within one day, I returned to my old unhealthy habits. It was rough… really rough. I think it took me about a week living through it hardcore, before I was able to kinda snap out of it… kinda… in reality I wouldn’t be fully able to until the end.

And then, I saw my sun. I found the perfect present a father like me could give to his daughter for her third birthday… a handmade kaleidoscope.

We celebrated birthday together twice, once her and me and once with my extended family as her mother made the effort to come to Vienna to celebrate.

And then I went to Greece for a week to talk to the gods… what a trip. I love Hellada… so much that I really wonder why I’m going to Portugal 😉 But the gods told me to. I have another mission to accomplish… for the moment at least…

Vienna was rough but it was really worth it. I was able to see who my real friends are and who only pretended (for a long time) to be.

But moreover, Vienna was really worth it because the mother of our child and me, we finally talked – after 2 1/2 years. And for the first time it feels like things are truly moving into the right direction… slowly.

And the last couple of days were particularly crazy. First, I was told that my father might have lung metastases… a biopsy will show.

And then, that my brother, friend, master and apprentice Kambiz was put into jail as a ringleader of the demonstrations in Iran. We know what that means… definitely torture, possibly execution… I pray for him to stay strong.

Yesterday, I turned 44. Tomorrow I will do another deep healing ceremony, perfectly fitting into this moment in time.

While my last trip to Portugal was to explore the country, this one is to explore what I can manifest with my brother that I’ve initiated.

This is it… the next episode…

vox

Not Enough?

I remember, when I changed my path in 2010 from healing work back into business consulting – to be able to “provide for me and my wife” – it was my choice but I told myself that it was necessary for me to do so. I had my “good reasons” – as we always do when we need to fool ourselves into doing something that is not ideal or even wrong.

And then, whatever I did, it always seemed not to be enough.

Not for my wife, neither for me, nor for my clients…

I always told myself “they” were wrong, although I knew better.

This was something that I “re-created” in my 30ies because it was a trauma that I grew up with – never being good enough, whatever I did…

We usually create situations in life to understand, learn from them and outgrow our traumas.

And what I truly learned from that experience is: When you are on the “wrong path” “it” will always not be enough, simply because it cannot be, since you need to change the path.

You can avoid it, bring “logical” reasons why, “overwrite” it.

Still, it will never be enough.

That’s why I changed back to the path I that is really mine, yet with a lot of valuable experiences from the path I rerouted to in 2010.

Today, when I farewelled my daughter for the next few weeks or months she started to ignore me and to have this look in her eyes – the way she always looks when she is pissed off with me. So I asked her “Are you angry with me?” and she clearly nodded. Her mum would tell me, that she is just tired, overwriting – as usual – the signs that our daughter want’s to spend considerably more time with me.

I can relate to her: She really tries hard to do everything she can to be the best mum she can be. It is exhaustive and still not enough. When it comes to “how much our daughter can see me” she is perhaps only calming her guilty consciousness with the (which I consider) homeopathic doses of contact time.

And of course she cannot really see it… it took me more than eight years to be able to see it, although so many friends kept telling me… although, deep inside I always knew the truth but didn’t know how to deal with it.

When you are on the wrong path, it will always not be enough and at some stage you become desperate, because you don’t know what else to do.

I might be wrong of course… the future will tell…

vox

The Land of the Gods

Delphi

Saturday I started my trip to do a couple of rituals. On Evia I reconnected to nature again.

At Perachora at the temple of Hera I healed a family wound that haunted my family for 14 generations including me (and swam with the gods in the sea).

And then, I came to Delphi – my beloved Delphi where I met Zeus himself on my 42 birthday – to consult the gods.

Truly, Hellada, the land of the gods, the holy land, again you’ve intrigued me, stunned me and this time initiated me to another realm 🙏🏽

I’m truly blessed as no matter what I do or don’t, the gods are with me – in general in life and also in specific for the topic I came to consult them for.

If I get attacked, I will prevail. So will I if I attack. But the gods told me there is nothing more for me to do other than making a final offer. I can let go because I gave everything and paid my price. Now it’s for the others to pay their price.

And then the gods have initiated me to become a leader by example.

Oh dear gods, truly you are great, having beaten the King of Kings who thought he was a god too but you showed him that he was just arrogant.

Me, Ahasveros, I kneel down in front of these great gods, asking them for support and wisdom and ask for initiation into the circle of creators.

Creators of love…

light…

and life!

Me, Ahasveros, seek to be lead by the wisdom, the power, the fire, the water, the wind, the earth and the ether, lead by the gods, through my fire, my vision, through my willpower, through my actions in this life.

I seek for the guidance to continue from here on.

I dedicate my life to be a warrior of the heart to do what I burn for to do what is right and truthful and full of love, as a son, as a brother and as a father.

Especially for my daughter – my sun, my light!

vox

Psytrance

“Psytrance music is not ordinary music… don’t try to assess or judge it with your concept of good music… psytrance is an auditive psychosis… it’s a type of therapy” I tell my friend… a musician.

He looks at me sceptically.

“Most people misunderstand psychosis…. most types of psychosis are an important healing state for humans. It is chaos… anarchy… and if people go through this psychosis – the non-paranoid one – the new emerges.”

He looks puzzled at me.

“One of my main teacher – Stanislav Grof – called it spiritual emergency… it is an emergency, but at the same time your true spirituality emerges. Grof was one of the main researcher of LSD therapy. Initially LSD was used for psychiatrists to understand the state of psychosic patients as it was believed that LSD simulates the psychotic state of mind. And then they found out that it actually has healing effects.” I pause…

“You know how psytrance is defined in in the German Wikipedia?”

He shakes his head.

“Psytrance tries to simulate the LSD experience through music!”

I laugh…

“And it really works. After LSD was made illegal Grof developed Holotropic breathwork as he had observed that many people hyperventilate while on LSD. Through hyperventilation you can have similar experiences like on LSD they say… so from my perspective the mother of breathwork and psytrance is LSD!”

He goes and dances…

The next morning he asks: “I start to understand what you are talking about. But most people I saw dancing last night were just high on ecstasy. Do people generally see it like you?”

I shake my head: “I don’t know. You see, I’ve done scientific research on holotropic breathwork for my masters and was trained in the method for four years. During my first festival at OZORA in 2016 I relized that you can use psytrance festivals with the holoropic breathwork framework as a ritual for your healing. But still, I’m sure many people intuitively understand it like this – I guess something like 20%. And the rest, at big psytrance festivals like Boom and OZORA, I would say about 20% of people are just tourists – people that don’t know or understand the psytrance spirit. I guess another 60% are just non-stop high.”

The next day we do the second healing ritual, going into trance through breathwork.

My friend is in deep pain. His back hurts again. And he tells me that he wants a massage.

“Go to the main stage and use your trance…” I tell him “let the music evoke the movement that becomes your healing massage from inside!”

Again, he is sceptical. This guy has backpain for years now so bad, that he almost committed suicide. He had almost 1.000 massages in his lifetime and saw the best doctors in the world to heal him… and they couldn’t. So now a psytrance dance should help?!

“Go in…” I tell him “I will see you tomorrow!”

The next day when he sees me he hugs me “My backpain got considerably better through my dance last night… I can’t believe it!”

“That’s psytrance!” I grin.

He goes to play some drums at the drum-shop. When I pay him a visit he hugs me again. “You don’t know what just happend” he says “I play the drums for 20 years now but for the first time I played new rhythems I’ve never played before.”

Again I grin and say “That’s psytrance.”

“And then,” he continues “the owner of the shop comes to me and asks me who I am. He never heard anyone play like me. He wants me to become part of his exclusive musicians network. And he said he has access to all festivals in Portgual and I can perform anywhere I wish!”

“These synchronicities are the true power of psytrance festivals. It’s nothing you can rationally explain to people. You can only experience it” I respond.

The last day my friend “cannot get into it”. We go to the world music stage. I tell him:
“Once you don’t care how you look from the outside how you dance, you are there. This time, you close your eyes and imagine drumming not in 3D but in 5D.” The I go to chill in a hammock for a bit ’cause I’ce been dancing for too much last couple of days. When I head back to the stage, I see my friend dancing like a crazy man in the front row. The musicians were so impressed, that they came down from the stage to perform next to him.

After the concert he comes up to me and says: “I didn’t drum in 5D but in 7D!”

“That’s psytrance!” I grin 😉

Psytrance is much more than music, it is a sacred space, it is a type of holistic therapy, it is love… the syncronicities… the people you meet… the conversations you have… it’s like magic…

For most people psytrance is just horroble music. Once you get inside, it becomes a way of life.

It’s my way of life…

vox

The Dance

“You are my witness. You’ve experienced who I really am. If I pass away before my baby girl gets the chance to properly know me, show her the blog entry – The Sun – that I wrote for her first birthday. And it will be you who will tell her what type of man her father really was. You need to take her here and Sequoia’s will initiate her into my world and show her how to the dance with the moon and the sun.” I tell my muse.

“Why are you telling me this now?” she asks.

“I will do my ritual now… you see, at every OZORA festival there is this one dance I do…

Basically, it is the dance the whole festival boils down to.

Everything before kinda feels just like a preparation for it.

That one dance!

My healing ritual.

The sun dance…

At crazy 38 degrees in the shade, I dance under the plane sun with my turquoise headscarf and red pants – in remembrance of the day I danced out of joy of the upcoming birth of my daughter.

And my headscarf is the only thing that protects me from the heat and the sun… even when I rest, I don’t rest in the shade… I just sit down under the sun…

I feel the sun burning…

my heart pumping…

my sweat dripping…

And once I’m on the main stage and the DJ starts his set, there is no way back. When Astrix play’s his set it’s almost impossible to get more water. I have to get through the two hours with my 800 ml bottle.”

“But you could collapse or even have a heart attack” my muse says.

“Collapse?!” I smile, “The dance along life and death under the boiling sun is the Here, the Now!

You see, this dance is not just a dance… every year I just dance this one dance like this… it’s my dance with life… and also death… my dance with the gods… and if they think I worthy of living, it’s like a rebirth!

OZORA is the place I had my spiritual re-emergence. The place I forgave myself and my ex-wife and let go of her. The place I welcomed my daughter with my 12 hour dance into this life and the place I dance with the gods.”

She’s silent.

“I’ve seen so many beautiful places on earth worthy of dying. But you know where I really wanna die?”

“OZORA?” she says.

I grin.

And then I go in.

The ceremony stats.

My body starts to move autonomously.

I’m not in control of my body any longer.

The people who see me dance start to smile. They can see I dance a different type of dance. Some even come up to me to get my blessings.

I dance like a crazy man…

My sweat is dripping, slowly I run out of water and the sun is literally killing me.

And then…

Rebirth

vox