Today I danced for the first time since Kobe and his daughter died. Dekel was my master of ceremony and I danced for 3 hours 😜
The last three months were intense in many ways. I worked a lot, I meditated a lot and I processed a lot.
I kinda enjoyed the lockdown as it helped me to focus on my work and myself.
I processed a lot of stuff. I’m now in the fourth month of my detox and along the way I had quite some epiphanies and farewelled a lot of things that were toxic in my life… beliefs, patterns and people.
I worked with a clinical psychologist to check out my mental state and if I possibly have a personality disorder as someone indirectly accused me of having a serious one. I mean, most people who have serious issues believe they don’t have them, so I wondered if I might have a blind spot there.
I worked with the psychologist – especially looking at the disorders of narcissism and borderline – and fully opened up to her and told her about my potentially negative behaviours. And we also talked a lot about the topics of manipulation and lying.
Her conclusion was: “You are neither narcissistic nor borderline, yet you show clear symptoms of narcissistic abuse!”
She would continue to say that “victims” of narcissistic abuse usually question their sanity and believe they are the ones who are the predators and that this was one of the signs.
I read up quite some stuff on this topic and it was relieving for me to read what other people experiencing this type of abuse had experienced. And looking back, really the people I got rid off in the last three months were all either narcissistic or had, at least, some narcissistic traits.
As we also looked into the topics of lying and manipulation she told me that both are kinda overrated in society. Everyone does a fair bit of both and they are part of everybody’s life (a person lies more than 100 times a day) and although not honourable it is normal although avoidable. However, she said the only exception where lying acceptable is, when someone is in a self-defence situation where you have to deal with someone you cannot collaborate and/or or in a position of overwhelming power.
Thant’s a very interesting thought.
I mean, obviously I cannot claim I lie less then everybody. But when it comes to the big lies? I know so many people who lie to have a competitive advantage, to gain some money, power, influence. But yes, when I consciously lie, I do so usually to protect myself or someone I love, in situations, I do not have (or see) another option. So many people I know who lie or manipulate simply for egoistic reasons.
So this process was quite enlightening for me.
Also I was finally able to forgive a person who did unjust to me and where I could never have imagined just three months ago that I would ever be able to forgive. But you know what: When you do the inner work I do for every day over the last 5 months (including, meditation, yoga, breathwork, qi gong, workout, reading, gratitude rituals, forgiveness rituals,…), things change on a deeper level. And I do all that stuff every day… there is a reason why my morning routine lasts for about 3 hours in the meantime 😉
So finally, last week I was able to forgive the person I thought I would never be able to forgive. And it’s funny, I send that person a long letter to apologise for my side – for my sh!t. However, postal tracking shows that it never arrived. However, at the post office they told me that it might not have been properly tracked.
I wonder what that stands for symbolically. For a moment I wondered if I should rewrite the letter and send it again. But then I though: Maybe there is a reason it didn’t arrive. Maybe it is not important for it to arrive. Maybe it was just important for me to forgive and apologise in my heart. And perhaps that person would have thought anyways that this letter is merely an act of “manipulation”.
Yes, I was able to forgive and apologize genuinely. And by know I understand from a deeper level inside that forgiving and peace are the highest forms of love.
So I guess my detox is over.
So today spring has started. I drew three cards. For last year: “Breakthrough”, for the new year: “The Rebel” and as inspiration: “Awareness”.
Although I always question the validity of the cards, this time they couldn’t have been more suiting.
I believe I’m ready for a new cycle, a new spring.
Happy Noruz 🙂
I was never particularly interested in the British Royal Family and never followed what was going on on the inside, yet yesterday I took the time to watch the Ophra interview with Prince Harry and Meghan.
The fact that a member of the royal family had a concern about the skin color of Archie made me curious – a type of unconscious racism that I experienced myself multiple times during my lifetime. I had quite a few girlfriends who’s parents expressed their concern about them potentially having a child with me due to my ethnicity.
I watched the interview very vigilantly and although I know that we got only presented one side of the story (and I am, nonetheless, pretty sure that this was merely an excerpt of Harry’s and Meghan’s truth). I believe that their perception is indeed their truth.
“Institution” is defined as: A “stable, valued, recurring patterns of behavior” or “integrated systems of rules that structures social interactions”. So in my terminology I would call it a manifestation of certain values, paradigms and behaviours/interactions – which naturally unconsciously breeds unconscious bias in itself.
So really, I am not surprised by what the couple unveiled during their interview. When we look at Britain’s role in the history of the world in the last few centuries and on what foundations it was built upon – especially colonialism – it is obvious that some type of unconscious bias and racism is part of that institution.
Unconscious racism is something that is merely understood by the ones who are not directly affected – “the privileged”. There are so many aspects to racism that are not obvious that the ones who are part of a system – part of an “institution” – actually cannot grasp it until they get directly affected through a close friend or partner – and often even then they downplay it as it is an inconvenient and painful truth.
And they are not to blame. If you grow up with a set of beliefs and values which are your “normal” how should you be able to challenge your own beliefs. The problem is, when you don’t know that you don’t know what you don’t know, you cannot challenge it. It is out of your conception. It is literally a blind spot. And it is part of your everyday reality.
It’s kinda like telling a fish that it lives in water. It only knows water. It’s its only reality and anything else then water is somehow inconceivable for it. And it would never question it. Questioning it would be kinda crazy.
So usually the people putting the focus and attention at those truths or blind spots are called out for being crazy or victimising themselves.
“Meghan is playing the race-card!”
Or is she not merely mirroring an inconvenient truth?
What about the obvious double standards the media had when praising Kate for doing exactly the same things (e.g. eating avocados) while attacking Meghan for it (this was an example in the interview).
So your first reaction will perhaps be now: “Avocados?! WTF? Who cares about avocados?” This is exaggerated and she seems to be too sensitive.
Isn’t it exactly these seemingly ridiculous occurrences that show so much truth? And this is merely one that can be easily proven, as it is documented by the media. So many other such seemingly small occurrences aren’t.
And it is funny that I wrote about family dynamics in my last entry before the interview: Harry spoke about “History is repeating itself.” Of course it is. First of all, Harry needed to understand WHY had happened to his mother – subconsciously choosing the “right” partner for that. And by choosing Meghan and leaving he chose to overcome and heal that “destiny”. And also, of course history is repeating itself, because the Royals never really made up with what had happened to/with Diana and why. So it had to repeat itself. That’s the natural cycle of what happens within families (sometimes even over many generations) when things don’t get solved or healed.
When Harry said that his father and brother are trapped in a cage that they cannot perceive it from the inside, I perfectly understood what he was talking about. I know so many people – including me – who are trapped in their thought patterns, their unconscious dogmas and paradigms – their “mental institutions” – usually the ones they have taken over from their family and society. And that’s the reason why most people are actually trapped and not “free”.
These paradigms are so tricky because we don’t know that we don’t know what we don’t know and therefore never question it.
I wish for Harry that his issues with his family will eventually get solved. But my personal experience shows me that his cards are not the best. In the past, I have tried to show to people very dear to me the mental traps that confine them and I hardly ever was successful and usually paid a very high price for it.
It is easier to maintain the status quo than challenge a well established and seemingly security-giving “institution”. In the process you usually find something valid to prove that those people who speak out these inconvenient truths – showing you your cage – are generally crazy so you eventually have an excuse to get rid of them.
Yes, also in this respect history is repeating itself. Throughout human history usually the people who would speak the truth would get stigmatised or killed. That’s one of the reasons why Sufis for example wrote poems, where you can only find the truth in-between the lines.
And as one of my deeply experienced friends on the path of truth once said:
Even most people who believe they are “awakened” are merely people who just had a spiritual opening and then return to their golden cage to find a comfortable position within.
Today eleven years ago I got married. It was a very special day for me and perhaps one of the most beautiful days of my life.
It was magical how things had fallen into line the last days before our wedding day. We only had two weeks to prepare it and up to three days earlier, we didn’t have rings, the bride didn’t have a wedding dress and there was no high-speed internet for my parents – who couldn’t come because of travel restrictions – to be able to attend via Skype (in 2010 in Iran high-speed internet just had started to take off and just worked through some private suppliers).
But suddenly within the last three days we coincidentally found someone who had exactly the rings we were looking for, then coincidentally found a tailor through a magazine ad in a taxi who had one ready tailored wedding dress left in the brides size and, finally, someone rang at the brides family home – were we would marry – to ask if they needed high-speed internet.
Everyone who had attended our wedding loved the vibe of the event. And it seemed like everything was set for the perfect life together.
But when my – then – wife came to Vienna in 2010 I subconsciously restaged my parent’s relationship.
In my last entry I talked about not being ready to become part of someone else’s family trauma. And then I realized that I have done this myself as well, although I have done so many years of self-explorational work and even facilitate family constallations, once I got married I was in a kind of trance.
And the term “trance” quite pinpoints that experience. I always kinda understood mentally what was going on but still couldn’t help it. It was like a trance and I was repeating those patterns that I had experienced from my parents marriage.
We humans have the tendency to restage our family trauma over and over again until we heal even if we are kinda conscious about it.
For some it is a toxic relationship, for others it is an unfaithful partner. For some it is a divorce, for others it is a family member being chased away. For some it is leaving the family and for others it is being left. And sometimes it is even the opposite role we take, so we can understand the parent better, who had “done it to me/us”.
It is recurring patterns in a family that often are passed on for generations in a family’s history until someone comes along and solves it… and heals it.
But merely by repeating it, we do not heal it. Just if we start to understand that pain, that trauma that is being repeated, we can start to understand… start to forgive the ones we got traumatised by…
So usually, we will pass it on to our partner or children the trauma that we have experienced.
But most people are not even aware. And even for some – like me – who were half-aware, that “trance” is so strong that although you can see it, you often cannot do anything about it.
However, today I can see how badly – but unconsciously – I had “abused” my ex-wife to heal my family dynamics… my family trauma. If I had become fully aware and conscious about it earlier, I could have done some conscious healing work to solve it. I was always aware but not fully aware.
I really am sorry that I did drag that special person into this unhealthy dynamic.
On Wednesday I saw my daughter for the first time in many weeks. She seemed to be stunned that I am a real person and not merely a moving image on a screen. She recognises me as the picture called “Baba” but seems not to understand who I really am… who I really am supposed to be in her life.
She knows me as a moving image from our weekly 10-minute video-calls as in the last 8000 hours she only saw me for eight hours in person.
There was an interesting moment when my daughter fell to the ground during our meeting. Her mother complained and I responded: “Don’t worry, if she doesn’t fall she does not learn how to rise again.”
Yesterday, a young inspiring woman asked me „Since when are you spiritual?“ Interesting question. Well, firstly, I don’t like to call myself spiritual too much. Most people I know who use it to describe themselves are actually not really. They often merely made a spiritual experience or had their spiritual emergence and start to believe that makes them spiritual – being spiritual is walking a path and how you treat people and life but not an experience. Usually, in my humble opinion, people who call themselves spiritual often have a very superficial understanding of spirituality and are not ready to walk on the true path.
However, my first spiritual emergence was when I was 24. I had just finished university and had fallen in love with a woman who had challenged many of my paradigms in life. Once the relationship was over, the situation had weighted me down. I fell into a type of depression and when I rose again, I did experience my spiritual emergence.
Depression literally means to be weighted down.
When my start-up was put down by government officials in 2017 and it was unclear if I would get prosecuted, I was weighted down again. I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks. Eventually this event also triggered our already unfulfilling relationship with my ex-wife to fail. There again, I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks. And again when the mother of my child decided I shouldn’t play a major role in my child’s life I was weighted down.
At first glance, it might seem that I must be weak that I always fell to the ground. But reality is, I’m an empath – which makes me more sensitive to life events – yet, I rose again… every single time. And there is so many people who are broken after only one of such life events. I just realized recently that the majority of (real) homeless people and (not organized) beggars in Austria are men who broke after their marriage had failed and/or they lost their children. And often they were former lawyers, bankers or doctors before they broke.
Rocky Balboa told his whining son once: “Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you get hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that! I’m always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You’re my son and you’re my blood. You’re the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain’t gonna have a life.“
In my last post I described how I repeatedly got beaten up when I was in elementary school and that I never punched back as I was scared to seriously hurt people. What did I do instead? I would get up however hard I got hit and just started laughing at the people who had hit me. So they would hit me harder in return until I would go down once more. But I rose again and would even laugh harder at these people. This would always continue until I would scare the shit out of them.
However hard life would hit me, so far I’ve never stayed on my knees permanently. I always got up again and rising again became the major driver of my “spirituality”.
So, also this time I will not stay on my knees and make myself available for some reality and narrative of other people who need to subconsciously abuse me to become the reason for repeating their family’s history and projecting their family trauma onto me￼￼. It is my choice if I make myself available for other people to restage their childhood trauma or if I live my own life. I believe life is too short for that and I prefer to live my own life.
Especially when you tried everything you could to solve issues, you need to let go, take the essence with you and move on to the next stage and rise again.
Now it is time to move on and continue building the life I love surrounding myself again with people who inspire me. And recently I’ve been blessed with so many new inspirational people in my life.
I love my life.
I love life…
The winter solstice was a very remarkable day for me and it initiated a true and deep transformation inside of me. It does feel like the end of a metamorphosis.
I remember, my mentor had told me in 2016 – a few months before he had passed away – that my true metamorphosis was still to come. Looking back, he was right. And indeed it had started that summer in OZORA.
Six weeks have passed since feels like the winter solstice and looking back, it seems to be its beginning of the end.
I started a detox around the winter solstice, which is still ongoing until the beginning of spring. It is actually the first time I’m doing a detox where I not only feel the physical effects of a detox but also the mental ones. And a friend of mine who is a Sufi master called me a week ago to tell me that he had the calling to “check” the level of my spiritual development with his metaphysical tools and that I have surpassed his level.
I’m not quite sure what this actually means, the only thing I can say is that I do perceive many things very differently recently. And considering the craziness surrounding me I kinda feel as good as I haven’t felt like in years… maybe even in life.
A psychic read the Akashic records for me recently. Her vision was: I see an 8 year old boy. You are very powerful – physically and metaphysically. You are beautiful and gentle. Although you are powerful you do not use your strength. People hurt you, but you do not react or defend yourself and just sit and wait. You are aware of your power but do not do anything.
I was stunned by the accuracy. When I was eight, I had changed to a new school. My teacher disliked me so when my fellow pupils found out that they could beat me up without getting punished, I was beaten up every day in every break. My teacher would notice it but not react. And since I was bigger and stronger than my fellow pupils I never dared to punch back. I was scared if I would punch back, I might seriously injure someone. I learned how to endure pain. In fact I have never had a physical fight in my life.
Why I am telling that story? It is interesting what has happened since the reading.
In the last weeks I subconsciously started to cut ties with people who are toxic for me – I guess it is part of the detox. And I am not talking about people I dislike but people who are actually very close and dear to me. Yet, I am no longer ready to endure this toxicity. There are some people in my life that are very dear to me but whom I allowed to use abusive patterns and emotional blackmailing towards me.
Yesterday was the third person I cut ties with in as many weeks. I showed that person – who is very dear to me – my true strength. A person who has emotionally abused me for many years. That person was stunned that I suddenly started to defend myself.
I don’t know why I always had this dogma inside of me that I need to endure abuse. No, I don’t need to and I won’t any longer.
Once you realise you are not a victim but a creator, allowing abuse becomes a choice.
And I will never allow anyone to abuse me anymore. Even if it means that I need to cut ties from the ones I love most…
There is so many things that people have called me in this lifetime. I always wondered why I seem to be such a strong subject for projection.
There were people called me fat, unattractive and unsuccessful.
Then there were people who called me attractive like a greek god, charismatic and one of only few people who could achieve anything in this lifetime.
There were people who called me weak and little resilient.
Then there were people who called me powerful like a rock and one of the most resilient people they know.
There were people who called me manipulative.
Then there were people who say I am the most authentic person they know.
There were people who believe I have serious mental issues.
Then there were people who would call me a prophet or guru.
And just today I signed a contract with Austrias most prolific speaker agent. She believes I have a special aura and talk like a prophet… which acutally inspired me to write this post.
I believe what people say about me tells me more about them then it does about me.
I find it funny what people call and see in me and I never seriously identified with any of that.
Even when I had someone reading my Akashic records for me recently – for some they are the source of universal truth, basically the records of everyones Karma – I didn’t really identify with what I was told.
I would never call myself anything… The only thing I sometimes do is that I quote what other people say about me. Well, I need to in a world were I also live a worldly life. It’s the same with my webpage for example: Many people think I build that website with this grand posing picture of myself.
The truth is though, the picture was no pose, it was a snapshot and I didn’t create/direct that general image of me – my brand. It was a present an artist made to me.
I never call myself anything, but…
I let the other people do the calling.
I don’t identify with neither my agent, nor my ex-partners, nor the Akashic records. No…
The only thing I ever really identified with was when the person who knows me best – my ex-wife – told me on the day she divorced me: That I have the most generous of hearts.
And the only thing I ever really called myself is what I really am: The Fool…
Over the last week I have been meditating most of the time. In general, meditation practice has become the primary occupation in the morning until noon since this summer. But last week in particular I was preparing for the winter solstice.
Some people say it was the most important solstice with the “Age of Aquarius” starting.
This morning my meditation was very deep and I was able to feel the effects very clearly. Perhaps it was one of the deepest meditations I have had in my life.
I started with gratitude. There is so many things I can be grateful for. I live a privileged life.
I have a big family that has always supported me. A family that is full of abundance. A family with a culture that is very hospitable, loving and warm.
I have so many good friends and deep relationships. People who support me, who trust me and who I can trust.
I am gifted with many talents. Mostly my intuition and anticipation, my cognitive abilities, my voice and my presence.
And in worklife, I have so many people that truly believe in me and want to work with me.
I am very grateful for all these things that I have taken for granted for such a long time and now I really can see.
Then I worked with forgivingness. It was my deepest forgivingness session I had since my 3rd night in OZORA in 2016, when a whole new world had opened up to me, when someone perhaps put something into my drink that opened up my heart.
I started to forgive people who had seemingly done harm to me and asking for forgivingness from people I have done harm to. And then I realised what lessons were in these “harms” for me. However, though it sometimes me feel or seem to be, in reality everything that happens is a mirror. As a creator it is my choice if I make myself a victim of that or realise what needs to be learned.
It is my choice if I start to identify with a challenge or dance with a challenge.
And this insight brought me even more gratitude.
When you don’t truly forgive, you cannot really move on. Energy gets blocked – eventually even makes ill.
This meditation was so powerful. I forgave myself, I forgave others, I accepted that whatever I experience – however painful it is – is a gift, on a much deeper level I realised how blessed I am deeply grateful. I accepted that there are things I cannot change and that there I need to let go of some very deep things to be able to move on and live a purposeful life.
A new chapter has started.
I always thought I don’t have many friends. But when I celebrated my 40th birthday I realised with how many people I do have deep connections with. I remember at my birthday party saying “I’m so privileged, most people say they only have a hand-full of deep true friends but I need more then two hands.” It was just in that very moment that I had realised this fact for the first time.
My misconception was simply due to the fact that I do not have that “one circle of friends” but rather have deep connections to people one-to-one from different circles – and I’m part of non of their circles. I’m usually the friend of XY.
Before the Coronavirus outbreak I started to invite my best friends to my partner’s home to meet each other and me there. Since my lifestyle had changed – having a partner and child – this was supposed to become a new thing for us. My partner loved the depth of my friendships. A depth that she didn’t know in her’s. A depth I usually take as “normal”.
I regularly get irritated at times when I find out how much distance many people have with their “true” friends. How people often don’t show their true self to their best friends. How some people never really challenged their best friends in their life – even when it really would have been necessary. It really surprises me that I seem to have this very different perspective on friendship than most people that I know do. And that’s perhaps why I have so deep relationships.
I remember the first time when I got really annoyed by this: I was almost still a teen my girlfriend once bitched around really badly and when I talked to her best friend to find a solution she would tell me that she would never question her best friend.
Not questioning? WTF? Begin dogmatic about everything you say and do is like backstabbing?! No it’s being a true friend. Telling them when they really need to cut the crap is a sign of friendship! Who’s gonna tell you if not your best friends? To be fair enough, that was still in my early 20s. But I know grown up friendships that still have the maturity of teens.
Another example that had shocked me was of a friend who didn’t tell her best friend the truth about how she conceived her child. She was ashamed of the man. He didn’t suit her idea of “society’s standard” because of his looks, job and ethnicity and culture.
I mean, WTF? How do people define friendships? Even if I made the mistake to have a child with the “wrong” woman my true friends would know the truth.
But yeah, I mean, I usually tend to forget how priviliged I am. There is these BFFs out there that present themselves as BFF on Facebook and real life. But when you look sharpley, in reality you find out that your best friend envies you for your partner, for having a child, for your looks, your job, your wealth… for your everything. It’s simply because these people are as empty and lonely as most people are who are not on a true, deep path.
So, I find it sometimes really sad when I hear what the friendship standards of many people are.
My definition of a friendship is very simple – has three “rules”: True friends or the ones that can not only tell me anything but can also challenge me in any topic… and who I can tell everything and let me challenge them in any topic.
How should I be able to grow as a human if even my friends don’t tell me the truth of what they see?!
Exceptions to this rule are narcissistic people. As we know, narcissistic people get angry when you tell them the truth.
The second rule is: True friends are the people whom I can truly show myself to as I am.
The third? Well this is not only for friendships but in general: People who do not envy me and that I do not envy.
(In my particular case envy in general is something I barely know. And whenever I feel envy, I know there is a topic I have).
It surprises me again and again that by these three standards, many people have no true friends.
I feel really sorry for them.
I’m so grateful to be so privileged to have so many true friends. For weeks now they are actually all part of my morning prayer 🙂
When some important events happen, I like to wait to see what’s going on nine months later. Why nine months? Simply because it’s the time between when the seed is planted and the child is born 😉
When I first heard about the Coronavirus in January I had a gut feeling that this would become a big thing. I don’t know why. Maybe it was my intuition but maybe, as a father you start to become more sensitive to potential threats.
I remember quite vividly, when on the evening of March 11th I arrived back home to Vienna from a holiday, I heard the news that the Coronavirus-outbreak was declared a pandemic by the World Health Organization.
It was just earlier on that same day that I was called a conspiracy theorist when I talked about an economic crisis being kicked off by the Coronavirus.
When I said that now was the perfect time for people to invest 5% of their wealth into cryptoscurrencies, I was told that cryptos were bullshit.
And I was also told I should go and get a real job.
Well, as a futurist my job is actually to talk about future threats and opportunities.
It is interesting how I was able to predict some less obvious things so precisely but not the most obvious one: That there would be a lockdown.
Some people tell me today how obvious it was on that day already that there would be a lockdown. But on that day, when I left Corinthia, it was not at all obvious to me. In fact I would not have left Corinthia without the ones I loved if I had at all anticipated it.
Looking back, yes, it was obvious, but at that time… no… it was still inconceivable to me. And not just to me: In fact most people had hoped that when Italy went into lockdown only two days earlier (as the first European country) that everything was under control now – well it had also helped in China. And so had I hoped. In fact what today seems to be like something quite „normal“ was inconceivable when we entered March: That a European country would EVER go into a lockdown.
When on the 13th I heard the first rumours about a lockdown I wanted to go back to Corinthia and pick up my loved ones. But they denied and decided to prolong their holiday for the moment… however, eventually they decided to stay for good…
Today, nine months have passed.
„Conspiracy theorist!“? The World Economic Forum announced „The Great Reset“ based on a recession – which will, in my humble opinion, have a profound transformational effect on us and possibly even spark off the most innovative era in humankind.
„Shitcoins!“? Bitcoin has almost increased by 4,5 times (450%) since its lowest point in March.
„Get a job!“? Today Austria’s most prestigious artist and speaker agent wants to sign me.
Well, one eye laughs and one eye cries 😂😭😜