It‘s not a place. It‘s a state of consciousness 😉
Yesterday, I had a very important session with my sister.
We went to the counselor of our trust to process some family stuff and together find a solution and process certain problems with systemic constellation work in a private session. It never got to the point where we actually did constellation work.
For the first two hours, my sister mostly talked and explained her view on various situations. I mostly only made some additional remarks.
After two hours I questioned the paradigm behind her narrative. What happened next was… interesting…
She felt like I was pressuring and attacking her.
I was highly irritated. After two hours of mostly listening I “only” asked a question… questioning the paradigm upon which she wanted to solve the issue.
It’s like, our car doesn’t start. She tries to solve the issue by recharging the battery. I say: “Are you sure it is the battery, the problem could also be the engine.” Well, IF the problem is the engine, there is no point in trying to charge the battery.
But then I realized another thing: I am in similar situations with people over and over again. So I started to reflect some recent situations and reactions to my communication out loud to understand the pattern beyond.
The next reaction irritated me even more: She felt attacked again, saying I’m analyzing her, degrading her, not accepting her truth and trying to force my truth upon her.
From my perspective, at first, I tried to find the starting point for the solution to our common challenge. Then, I reflected her reactions to understand why MY communication was provoking that reaction… not what SHE was doing wrong but what i was doing wrong.
So why did she feel attacked? Why do some of the people I love and care enough about to share my perception and reflection with, feel provoked, attacked in their autonomy and that I disrespect their borders?
The counselor steps in and says: “From my perspective, the two of you simply have two different approaches for finding a solution!”
She continues to say that my sister tries to find interconnections horizontally and that I dig deep vertically comparing me to a deep-sea free-diver who tries to always go a bit deeper. And by that, I actually do undermine my partner’s solid ground she or he needs for security. Well, deep-sea divers usually don’t find a solid ground 😉
And it is true, as a seeker of truth, I always challenge each and every paradigm – skinning the onion layer by layer – until I discover what I believe to be the truth.
So I tell my sister: “When we try to solve a common problem, I need you to trust me once I start to reflect, I actually do want to solve that common problem, not to attack you.”
I continue to say that in most cases I’m just sharing a fraction of what I perceive as I believe that my full reality is too much for most people and that I feel like I may not even share that fraction without some of my counterpart feeling attacked.
She is silent for a moment and then responds: “I never realized that you usually hold back what you perceive.” and then continues: “The way I see it, it’s like you’re speaking Swahili. Not too many people in the world speak Swahili. And you live in America. There, almost no-one speaks Swahili. So if you want to communicate in America you need to learn English to be able to communicate. And since you enjoy speaking Swahili, you also need to find other people who speak that language too.”
So I take away three things from the situation:
First of all, I need to learn a new, commonly spoken language. So far, I always thought people actually can understand my language – my perception – but simply pretend they don’t… which sometimes makes me react not properly.
Furthermore, I have found clarity about the content and the title of my book 😉
And finally, the time has come for a genuine apology, for taking responsibility for who I am, for creating security for the ones I love and am responsible for… and for standing up for my own truth!
Hey, goddess… whichever you may be… if you truly want to conquer my heart read this entry carefully 😉
You see, I am HSP… so at first, you’re gonna love my intensity, then you’re gonna hate me and if you can transcend it, we’re gonna dive deep… infinitely…
At first, I will seem to be a bit contradictory…
Sometimes I’ll seem to be a badass and then again you’ll recognize the good heart behind.
Sometimes I’ll seem to be soft and then again you’ll recognize the strength behind.
Sometimes I’ll seem to be unapologetic and I then again you’ll value the honesty behind.
These are the virtues of a Scorpio and besides HSP it’s the reason for my intensity…
So, if you want me to love you we’ll have to share these three virtues: Honesty, trust and healthy vulnerability!
Honesty means that…
… we’ll put our masks off and celebrate our imperfection… we show us to each other as we truly are… perhaps in a way we’ve never been able to before.
… our fuses will burn at times as we trust each other to be able to handle it.
… we’ll show each other what we see in the other… our light side but also those things that we believe are hindering us from diving deep.
So we’ll need to trust each other!
Trust means that…
… we’ll face each other with compassion and understanding and are willing to hang in there together even if it is uncomfortable at times.
… we’ll be able and willing to face our deepest fears.
… we’ll not feel judged even if we share with each other our reality, as we do it out of love… not for the sake of judgment or degradation.
So we’ll need to show each other our vulnerability!
Vulnerability means that…
… we show us to each other naked…
… our traumas…
… our fears…
… our weaknesses…
… our shame…
… we open up to each other to grow personally… to give a deep relationship a true chance.
By showing each other our vulnerability, do trust each other and are honest with each other we create true intimacy!
So, no matter if we are lovers – platonic or physical – honesty and trust are the framework of our relationship. And showing our healthy vulnerability is how we encounter… it is not the weakness of the coward but the virtue of the courageous.
You see, my love is not unconditional… if you expect that from me, think again… I’m neither enlightened nor your daddy!
And if you don’t want to roll this way, I’m sorry, but even if you are the most infatuating person and are madly in love with me, we won’t dive deep… we’ll just have some superficial relationship.
But if we’ll dive deep together…
… we’ll discover the world out there, inside us and the whole universe.
… we’ll face each other at eye height and we’ll be best friends.
… we’ll support each other in doing what we really want to do.
… we’ll give each other the freedom we need… connecting moment by moment… sometimes we’ll be our individual self and sometimes we’ll be together… but we’ll always be there for each other.
… we’ll protect each other and give each other emotional security.
… we’ll be mindful with one another and accept and respect each other as we are.
… we’ll live a life together and support each other facing our fears and healing our wounds.
… we’ll melt intensely with each other.
… we’ll live intimacy tantrically, cosmically and ecstaticly.
It might not be the exiting, dramatic love you’re used to but the quiet, gentle, mindful love where we love, laugh, enjoy, dance and celebrate life.
Essentially, I will love you for who you really are!
And you will start to wonder if this is really possible… if someone can really be that intensely in love with you.
So, if you’re gonna believe in my path we’ll be best friends, I’ll give you security and treat you like a goddess 😍
You wanna roll with me?!? My conditions are honesty, trust and vulnerability!
And apart from these three virtues, I’ll love you unconditionally!
I’m looking forward to loving you 😊
See you soon!
Wow… what an amazing weekend… it is magical!
I can feel that it is the moment where it seems that everything I have done, experienced and learned in my life culminates in this very moment?
There is a reason for everything that happened so far. What has happened over the course of the last few weeks… months… years. I am grateful for everyone… for everything… for every thing!
The atmosphere here is so inspirational and the vibration so high!
Nine hours to go… I arrive at the venue and go backstage. Everyone is nervous… even the most experienced speakers can feel the adrenaline.
I have the honor to be the closing speaker, I have to wait until the evening to hold my speech. Exciting, tiring and inspiring at the same time.
Eight hours to go… The event starts with a piano piece and then, one special speech is followed by the next!
Five hours to go… Going back and forth between backstage and frontstage you can feel the vibration. Backstage I provide some nervous speakers with CBD. They calm down a bit and are thankful.
One hour to go… after seven hours of listening, supporting and rehearsing the final fourth block starts. I go backstage to prepare. The cosmetician tells me I have 20 minutes before I need to see her.
40 minutes to go… I meet the speaker who will be speaking just before me. She gives me some input. I wish her good luck and I decide to readjust my speech to connect to her’s.
30 minutes to go… I go to the other end of the backstage hall and start my thing… first, my final rehearsal.
15 minutes to go… I’m done with the final rehearsal. Now, I put in the song that has inspired me the last couple of weeks to do my thing at TEDx and I start to dance like a mad man. It only takes a few moments until some volunteers gather to see my pre-speech-preparation-dance and I guess some wonder if I plan to dance on stage or if I have a nervous breakdown 😉
Eight minutes to go… I go up front the backstage to get connected to the mic. People wish me all the best and yet no-one dares to chat with me now. They all know that this is the moment where the speakers need to focus.
Five minutes to go… I start to raise my vibration with the chakra vowels.
One minute to go… I go up to the curtain. I invite my ancestors to support me… my mentor to support me… my baby girl to support me… and then… they introduce me.
With slow steps, I walk on stage. People applaud… this is it: The moment I present my true self to the whole world… the speech of my life!
The one moment our speaker coach refers to as the moment we potentially speak to three billion people in the world!
Silence… and then I roll… “I was born in the midst of a revolution…”
I’m here, now!
Inside I burn like a flame and I stand there – rock-solid, no movement at all – and it’s just my voice with those words that flow out of my mouth… and then… my final message:
“If you believe in what I say might be true, I believe it is you…”
People break into applause…
Wait… I’m not finished with the punchline yet… but they just don’t stop…
So I shout: “Do you?”
The last couple of weeks reached a new level of “interesting”.
My process is quite intense. I’m just about to have the most important speech of my life and at the same time I was so engaged with my self and my wounds recently that preparing for TEDx was just a side stage.
TEDx just a side stage?
Well, in the last weeks almost every morning I woke up with a strong sensation in and around my heart. And almost every single moment I was conscious, I missed my child…
My verbal re-actions to my core wounds can be intense. And they led the mother of my child to exclude me from the pregnancy.
Well, in her defense I must tell you this story: Once – when I was in Nepal – a mob of approximatly 20 men were about to attack me. In an act of self-defense I yelled at them so hard that I scared them away.
And hell yeah… if I can scare away a mob of men with my words a pregnant woman must be shit scared when she (unknowingly) touches my wounds and sees how I react in “self-defense”.
So, I take full responsibility for my reactions and don’t blame her.
But still, it was painful that her truth now is that she needs to protect our child and herself from me… from me? Seriously?!?
And it was even more painful for me that I cannot see how my daughter grows inside her belly. It was painful to know that my baby will not be there, when I hold the most important speech of my life.
But the beauty of that pain was that my baby was with me for every conscious moment I was. And the whole situation taught me a lot about me, my traumas, my reactions and my core wounds but most of all it showed me how much I love her.
So these last couple of weeks taught me who I really am. And now I’m cool. I mean, of course I would prefer to see my baby but I have started to accept reality.
So it’s time to move on!
I’m sitting in the train now for the grand rehearsal at TEDx. It is an irony of fate that I didn’t just get invited to any TEDx event but this very one. It is not only the birth-town of my child’s mother but also used to be the capital of the political party that coined my Austrian identity 😉
And tomorrow when my entourage arrives they will celebrate life with me and once I walk on this stage I’ll show the world my true self… mask off 😳
And when I talk about the future of humanity, seers and open minds, some will see a lunatic… others will see a crazy mothafucka 😜🤙🏼😉
I wanted to attend a learning love workshop for years now and I finally did. The premise of the learning love practitioners is that we never learned how love works and that we proactively need to learn it.
We are used to go to university to learn business studies, philosophy, IT, etc. But we expect that we automatically know how love works… why should we.
The deeper a relationship is the more likely it is that childhood traumas will triggered in a relationship and we can use this situations to connect and grow together and individually at the same time. Many relationships fail at this stage as couples usually do not have the tools to cope with childhood traumas in a relationship.
I will share my notes from the workshop to give you an idea of what is essential and what you could do yourself:
“When you try to change your beloved by the way you communicate you call that manipulation.”
“In learning love you learn how to connect (rather than manipulate) through communication.”
“COMMUNicate means to create communion. Solely to speak is not enough for creating a connection.”
There are six emotions:
“We cannot influence our emotions and we cannot decide which emotions get triggered or for how long or how intensively.”
“When we have an intense time together and exchange during that time we create love or friendship.”
“To create love we need to spend time together and exchange about our feelings.”
“Always ask yourself the question: Do I want to talk to someone because I want to get rid of something or because I want to create a communion?”
“If I am seriously interested in love or friendship I need to allow all six emotions be exist. Not only the two positive ones (which is a sign or superficial relationships)”
“You need to recognize, tolerate and share emotions.”
“Accept that there is a separation between you and the beloved (otherwise it is a co-dependent relationship)”
“Expectations sabotage relationships! When expectations are not met that leads to fear, anger, etc. which leads to conflicts.”
“Before we can love, we need to be clear about our expectations”
„What do I expect from that relationship“
“My expectations are my weak-points”
“It is never our emotions that create a separation. It is our reactions.”
“It’s about changing the reactions in spite of the existing emotions.”
“All reactions create separation not communion.”
“There are two situations that create triggers: When you are missing something or when the other person does something that I don’t like or is too much. So when I don’t get what I need or if it is too much what I get, I get emotionally disturbed.”
“If I want to create communion, the first thing I need to understand and change is my reactions.”
“Basically there are three types of reactions: to fight, to flee or to play dead.”
Exercise 1: Ask these questions:
What is the emotion?
What is the need?
How do I behave – What do I do when the emotion becomes too strong?
“What happens when you have expressed needs? – You create communion.”
“In order to feel connected, it is not necessarily necessary to fulfill the needs.”
“As a child it is absolutely legitimate to project one’s own needs on the parents. This is the only case.”
“Maturity means to transform from the expectation that someone else will take care of my needs to taking care of my needs myself.”
“How can you handle it when the other doesn’t share my needs? The key is sharing the emotions and needs.”
“We need to lern to tolerate the frustration when my needs are not met. So never, never, never take a decision about separation on an emotional peak.”
“Every Emotion ist never a problem but is only a symptom that wants to show me something about myself.”
“But when an emotion is overwhelming and I am not able to joyously live my life that means that there is a trauma that I am stuck with. And then I need to work on that trauma. My partner is not responsible for my trauma.”
“There are three types of trauma: shock, shame, abandonment.”
“It’s the voice of our trauma that says: When you open up yourself you will be wounded!”
“There are two reasons why I want make myself vulnerable in a relationship: For my personal growth and to give a the relationship a chance by opening up.”
How to create a container for an emotional arousal:
- By naming the emotion – that reduces the arousal.
- Stay in the body.
- What’s the emotion right now?
- Where do I feel it in the body?
“Every expectation is a consequence of a childhood trauma.”
Every expectation means: „You are not ok as you are and you need to serve me“
“As a child I got holes in my system and I do not see the beloved if I want him/her to fill these holes”
“The only thing we my expect from the beloved is honesty – to be honest about ourselves… never be open for the other but only for ourselves!”
“What creates intimacy is not to satisfy the other’s needs but to do the journey together”
“We cannot get into an open communication with the purpose to get something.”
“Loving does not happen through receiving but through giving.”
“We have two side in us: One wants to open the heart, heal the wounds and grow. The other is just wounded… the wounded aspect will always be with us… carrying the expectation the other will always be there… expecting the other is responsible.”
“We need to understand: Whatever problem we have in a relationship, I created it.”
“The other is never responsible for my emotions – but the inner child will always expect this from the beloves.”
The facilitator says: “Even after 35 years of working on my traumas I still get triggered at times. There is only two cases when we do need to work on ourselves and our trauma: death & enlightenment… it’s a lifelong journey.”
How to make ourself vulnerable in a healthy way in a relationship:
1. Always only choose one specific event
„When this… happened“ or
„When you say…” or
„When you did…“
And never judge the person!
2. „Then I FEEL…“
(And then name the EMOTION)
3. „And I would NEEDS…“
4. „How is it for you when you hear this?“
1. When I hear…
2. I feel…
3. And I would need…
“The last exercise is the essence for creating a healing relationship.”
Have you every heard of Kintsugi?
At first glance it merely looks like a method for repairing broken pottery or a design style.
Once we dig deeper we discover a whole philosophy of honoring the beauty of imperfection and “mis-takes” that teaches us to expose and embrace our failure.
Kintsugi is a Zen art form – a Zen practice – of accepting reality… rather than hiding imperfection – the cracks – by highlighting and patching them with lacquer and gold one transforms the object to something unique and more valuable.
A dear friend once told me: “In a relationship, once there is a deep wound it can heal to some extend but a scar will always remain!”
This is true and yet, with the practice of Kintsugi relationships become more resilient, grow and heal and once the “repair” is done, they turn into something much more special and valuable than before.
It is our cracks that show us our history, how we lived and what we have overcome. It is our cracks that give us character.
Essentially Kintsugi is a symbol of metamorphosis.
And since I am a metamorphoser I believe in the art of Kintsugi 😉
It seldomly happened in my life that I met and fell in love with a goddess.
A goddess should be loved like one!
I loved their wisdom that is wider than the horizon.
I loved their intelligence that is deeper than the ocean.
I loved their devotion that is the expression of their love.
I loved their spirit that is clearer than a diamond.
I loved their laughter that is innocent as a child’s heart.
I loved their light that illuminates peoples hearts.
I loved their soul… that is… infinite.
But you know what?
Love is not just a mere passive perception of a person or a feeling in your heart. Love is an active expression through actions and sincere words of compassion.
You show love through the way you treat the people you love.
So what about my love?
My words sometimes were more poisonous than the sting of a scorpio.
My voice sometimes was more frightening than Thors hammer.
My actions sometimes were sharper than the blade of a Japanese sword.
In the past I had not fully mastered the passionate fire of my heart… and it often burnt hard…
Especially the ones I loved most!
So now it’s time to fully master that passionate fire…
I am… is the infinite white space in which the human experience takes shape… in the form of thoughts and emotions… just like the soundtrack of a song where you can see in which frequency the song plays.
I am not the song, but the infinite white space. And I decide in which frequency – with which vibration – I live through the human experience.
It is my choice if I hold on to an old song – an old vibration – which is influenced by my past experience. It is up to me if I identify with that old song and play it over and over again or if I stop that song and listen to the silence to start a new one… a new vibration.
Life is like an improvised song by a group of musicians. My melody – my vibration – influences the others and vice versa. And if I don’t like the melody, we can simply change it as we are neither the melody nor the song.
Making love is like the melody of two people playing together. The melody where love vibrates.
It is up to me which song I play, which melody. It’s up to me with which vibration I want to live… now.
So, I choose to tune in to the vibration of infinite love.
I am love.
Today and on this day a year ago I returned from La Gomera from a healing journey.
The last 365 days were quite intense 😉 And I got the opportunity to feel and see my deepest wounds.
You know… there is so much I could write about.
Yet, I‘ll just say the one thing that seems to be the most important learning for me:
I‘m neither my perception, nor my mind, nor my intellect, nor my past, nor childhood traumas nor my anger nor my pain! I am non of what I used to identify with or still might identify with!