A New Paradigm?

Yesterday, I had a very important session with my sister.

We went to the counselor of our trust to process some family stuff and together find a solution and process certain problems with systemic constellation work in a private session. It never got to the point where we actually did constellation work.

For the first two hours, my sister mostly talked and explained her view on various situations. I mostly only made some additional remarks.

After two hours I questioned the paradigm behind her narrative. What happened next was… interesting…

She felt like I was pressuring and attacking her.

I was highly irritated. After two hours of mostly listening I “only” asked a question… questioning the paradigm upon which she wanted to solve the issue.

It’s like, our car doesn’t start. She tries to solve the issue by recharging the battery. I say: “Are you sure it is the battery, the problem could also be the engine.” Well, IF the problem is the engine, there is no point in trying to charge the battery.

But then I realized another thing: I am in similar situations with people over and over again. So I started to reflect some recent situations and reactions to my communication out loud to understand the pattern beyond.

The next reaction irritated me even more: She felt attacked again, saying I’m analyzing her, degrading her, not accepting her truth and trying to force my truth upon her.

?!?

From my perspective, at first, I tried to find the starting point for the solution to our common challenge. Then, I reflected her reactions to understand why MY communication was provoking that reaction… not what SHE was doing wrong but what i was doing wrong.

So why did she feel attacked? Why do some of the people I love and care enough about to share my perception and reflection with, feel provoked, attacked in their autonomy and that I disrespect their borders?

The counselor steps in and says: “From my perspective, the two of you simply have two different approaches for finding a solution!”

She continues to say that my sister tries to find interconnections horizontally and that I dig deep vertically comparing me to a deep-sea free-diver who tries to always go a bit deeper. And by that, I actually do undermine my partner’s solid ground she or he needs for security. Well, deep-sea divers usually don’t find a solid ground 😉

And it is true, as a seeker of truth, I always challenge each and every paradigm – skinning the onion layer by layer – until I discover what I believe to be the truth.

So I tell my sister: “When we try to solve a common problem, I need you to trust me once I start to reflect, I actually do want to solve that common problem, not to attack you.”

I continue to say that in most cases I’m just sharing a fraction of what I perceive as I believe that my full reality is too much for most people and that I feel like I may not even share that fraction without some of my counterpart feeling attacked.

She is silent for a moment and then responds: “I never realized that you usually hold back what you perceive.” and then continues: “The way I see it, it’s like you’re speaking Swahili. Not too many people in the world speak Swahili. And you live in America. There, almost no-one speaks Swahili. So if you want to communicate in America you need to learn English to be able to communicate. And since you enjoy speaking Swahili, you also need to find other people who speak that language too.”

So I take away three things from the situation:

First of all, I need to learn a new, commonly spoken language. So far, I always thought people actually can understand my language – my perception – but simply pretend they don’t… which sometimes makes me react not properly.

Furthermore, I have found clarity about the content and the title of my book 😉

And finally, the time has come for a genuine apology, for taking responsibility for who I am, for creating security for the ones I love and am responsible for… and for standing up for my own truth!

vox

Wanna Roll With Me?

Hey, goddess… whichever you may be… if you truly want to conquer my heart read this entry carefully 😉

You see, I am HSP… so at first, you’re gonna love my intensity, then you’re gonna hate me and if you can transcend it, we’re gonna dive deep… infinitely…

At first, I will seem to be a bit contradictory…

Sometimes I’ll seem to be a badass and then again you’ll recognize the good heart behind.

Sometimes I’ll seem to be soft and then again you’ll recognize the strength behind.

Sometimes I’ll seem to be unapologetic and I then again you’ll value the honesty behind.

These are the virtues of a Scorpio and besides HSP it’s the reason for my intensity…

So, if you want me to love you we’ll have to share these three virtues: Honesty, trust and healthy vulnerability!

Honesty means that…

… we’ll put our masks off and celebrate our imperfection… we show us to each other as we truly are… perhaps in a way we’ve never been able to before.

… our fuses will burn at times as we trust each other to be able to handle it.

… we’ll show each other what we see in the other… our light side but also those things that we believe are hindering us from diving deep.

So we’ll need to trust each other!

Trust means that…

… we’ll face each other with compassion and understanding and are willing to hang in there together even if it is uncomfortable at times.

… we’ll be able and willing to face our deepest fears.

… we’ll not feel judged even if we share with each other our reality, as we do it out of love… not for the sake of judgment or degradation.

So we’ll need to show each other our vulnerability!

Vulnerability means that…

… we show us to each other naked…

… our traumas…

… our fears…

… our weaknesses…

… our shame…

… we open up to each other to grow personally… to give a deep relationship a true chance.

By showing each other our vulnerability, do trust each other and are honest with each other we create true intimacy!

So, no matter if we are lovers – platonic or physical – honesty and trust are the framework of our relationship. And showing our healthy vulnerability is how we encounter… it is not the weakness of the coward but the virtue of the courageous.

You see, my love is not unconditional… if you expect that from me, think again… I’m neither enlightened nor your daddy!

And if you don’t want to roll this way, I’m sorry, but even if you are the most infatuating person and are madly in love with me, we won’t dive deep… we’ll just have some superficial relationship.

But if we’ll dive deep together…

… we’ll discover the world out there, inside us and the whole universe.

… we’ll face each other at eye height and we’ll be best friends.

… we’ll support each other in doing what we really want to do.

… we’ll give each other the freedom we need… connecting moment by moment… sometimes we’ll be our individual self and sometimes we’ll be together… but we’ll always be there for each other.

… we’ll protect each other and give each other emotional security.

… we’ll be mindful with one another and accept and respect each other as we are.

… we’ll live a life together and support each other facing our fears and healing our wounds.

… we’ll melt intensely with each other.

… we’ll live intimacy tantrically, cosmically and ecstaticly.

It might not be the exiting, dramatic love you’re used to but the quiet, gentle, mindful love where we love, laugh, enjoy, dance and celebrate life.

Essentially, I will love you for who you really are!

And you will start to wonder if this is really possible… if someone can really be that intensely in love with you.

So, if you’re gonna believe in my path we’ll be best friends, I’ll give you security and treat you like a goddess 😍

You wanna roll with me?!? My conditions are honesty, trust and vulnerability!

And apart from these three virtues, I’ll love you unconditionally!

I’m looking forward to loving you 😊

See you soon!

Love

vox