Family “Dynamics”

Today eleven years ago I got married. It was a very special day for me and perhaps one of the most beautiful days of my life.

It was magical how things had fallen into line the last days before our wedding day. We only had two weeks to prepare it and up to three days earlier, we didn’t have rings, the bride didn’t have a wedding dress and there was no high-speed internet for my parents – who couldn’t come because of travel restrictions – to be able to attend via Skype (in 2010 in Iran high-speed internet just had started to take off and just worked through some private suppliers).

But suddenly within the last three days we coincidentally found someone who had exactly the rings we were looking for, then coincidentally found a tailor through a magazine ad in a taxi who had one ready tailored wedding dress left in the brides size and, finally, someone rang at the brides family home – were we would marry – to ask if they needed high-speed internet.

Everyone who had attended our wedding loved the vibe of the event. And it seemed like everything was set for the perfect life together.

But when my – then – wife came to Vienna in 2010 I subconsciously restaged my parent’s relationship.

In my last entry I talked about not being ready to become part of someone else’s family trauma. And then I realized that I have done this myself as well, although I have done so many years of self-explorational work and even facilitate family constallations, once I got married I was in a kind of trance.

And the term “trance” quite pinpoints that experience. I always kinda understood mentally what was going on but still couldn’t help it. It was like a trance and I was repeating those patterns that I had experienced from my parents marriage.

We humans have the tendency to restage our family trauma over and over again until we heal even if we are kinda conscious about it.

For some it is a toxic relationship, for others it is an unfaithful partner. For some it is a divorce, for others it is a family member being chased away. For some it is leaving the family and for others it is being left. And sometimes it is even the opposite role we take, so we can understand the parent better, who had “done it to me/us”.

It is recurring patterns in a family that often are passed on for generations in a family’s history until someone comes along and solves it… and heals it.

But merely by repeating it, we do not heal it. Just if we start to understand that pain, that trauma that is being repeated, we can start to understand… start to forgive the ones we got traumatised by…

So usually, we will pass it on to our partner or children the trauma that we have experienced.

But most people are not even aware. And even for some – like me – who were half-aware, that “trance” is so strong that although you can see it, you often cannot do anything about it.

However, today I can see how badly – but unconsciously – I had “abused” my ex-wife to heal my family dynamics… my family trauma. If I had become fully aware and conscious about it earlier, I could have done some conscious healing work to solve it. I was always aware but not fully aware.

I really am sorry that I did drag that special person into this unhealthy dynamic.

vox

Rise Again

On Wednesday I saw my daughter for the first time in many weeks. She seemed to be stunned that I am a real person and not merely a moving image on a screen. She recognises me as the picture called “Baba” but seems not to understand who I really am… who I really am supposed to be in her life.

She knows me as a moving image from our weekly 10-minute video-calls as in the last 8000 hours she only saw me for eight hours in person.

There was an interesting moment when my daughter fell to the ground during our meeting. Her mother complained and I responded: “Don’t worry, if she doesn’t fall she does not learn how to rise again.”

Yesterday, a young inspiring woman asked me „Since when are you spiritual?“ Interesting question. Well, firstly, I don’t like to call myself spiritual too much. Most people I know who use it to describe themselves are actually not really. They often merely made a spiritual experience or had their spiritual emergence and start to believe that makes them spiritual – being spiritual is walking a path and how you treat people and life but not an experience. Usually, in my humble opinion, people who call themselves spiritual often have a very superficial understanding of spirituality and are not ready to walk on the true path.

However, my first spiritual emergence was when I was 24. I had just finished university and had fallen in love with a woman who had challenged many of my paradigms in life. Once the relationship was over, the situation had weighted me down. I fell into a type of depression and when I rose again, I did experience my spiritual emergence.

Depression literally means to be weighted down.

When my start-up was put down by government officials in 2017 and it was unclear if I would get prosecuted, I was weighted down again. I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks. Eventually this event also triggered our already unfulfilling relationship with my ex-wife to fail. There again, I couldn’t get out of bed for weeks. And again when the mother of my child decided I shouldn’t play a major role in my child’s life I was weighted down.

At first glance, it might seem that I must be weak that I always fell to the ground. But reality is, I’m an empath – which makes me more sensitive to life events – yet, I rose again… every single time. And there is so many people who are broken after only one of such life events. I just realized recently that the majority of (real) homeless people and (not organized) beggars in Austria are men who broke after their marriage had failed and/or they lost their children. And often they were former lawyers, bankers or doctors before they broke.

Rocky Balboa told his whining son once: “Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you get hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that! I’m always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You’re my son and you’re my blood. You’re the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain’t gonna have a life.“

In my last post I described how I repeatedly got beaten up when I was in elementary school and that I never punched back as I was scared to seriously hurt people. What did I do instead? I would get up however hard I got hit and just started laughing at the people who had hit me. So they would hit me harder in return until I would go down once more. But I rose again and would even laugh harder at these people. This would always continue until I would scare the shit out of them.

However hard life would hit me, so far I’ve never stayed on my knees permanently. I always got up again and rising again became the major driver of my “spirituality”.

So, also this time I will not stay on my knees and make myself available for some reality and narrative of other people who need to subconsciously abuse me to become the reason for repeating their family’s history and projecting their family trauma onto me. It is my choice if I make myself available for other people to restage their childhood trauma or if I live my own life. I believe life is too short for that and I prefer to live my own life.

Especially when you tried everything you could to solve issues, you need to let go, take the essence with you and move on to the next stage and rise again.

Now it is time to move on and continue building the life I love surrounding myself again with people who inspire me. And recently I’ve been blessed with so many new inspirational people in my life.

I love my life.

I love life…

vox

Detox

The winter solstice was a very remarkable day for me and it initiated a true and deep transformation inside of me. It does feel like the end of a metamorphosis.

I remember, my mentor had told me in 2016 – a few months before he had passed away – that my true metamorphosis was still to come. Looking back, he was right. And indeed it had started that summer in OZORA.

Six weeks have passed since feels like the winter solstice and looking back, it seems to be its beginning of the end.

I started a detox around the winter solstice, which is still ongoing until the beginning of spring. It is actually the first time I’m doing a detox where I not only feel the physical effects of a detox but also the mental ones. And a friend of mine who is a Sufi master called me a week ago to tell me that he had the calling to “check” the level of my spiritual development with his metaphysical tools and that I have surpassed his level.

I’m not quite sure what this actually means, the only thing I can say is that I do perceive many things very differently recently. And considering the craziness surrounding me I kinda feel as good as I haven’t felt like in years… maybe even in life.

A psychic read the Akashic records for me recently. Her vision was: I see an 8 year old boy. You are very powerful – physically and metaphysically. You are beautiful and gentle. Although you are powerful you do not use your strength. People hurt you, but you do not react or defend yourself and just sit and wait. You are aware of your power but do not do anything.

I was stunned by the accuracy. When I was eight, I had changed to a new school. My teacher disliked me so when my fellow pupils found out that they could beat me up without getting punished, I was beaten up every day in every break. My teacher would notice it but not react. And since I was bigger and stronger than my fellow pupils I never dared to punch back. I was scared if I would punch back, I might seriously injure someone. I learned how to endure pain. In fact I have never had a physical fight in my life.

Why I am telling that story? It is interesting what has happened since the reading.

In the last weeks I subconsciously started to cut ties with people who are toxic for me – I guess it is part of the detox. And I am not talking about people I dislike but people who are actually very close and dear to me. Yet, I am no longer ready to endure this toxicity. There are some people in my life that are very dear to me but whom I allowed to use abusive patterns and emotional blackmailing towards me.

Yesterday was the third person I cut ties with in as many weeks. I showed that person – who is very dear to me – my true strength. A person who has emotionally abused me for many years. That person was stunned that I suddenly started to defend myself.

I don’t know why I always had this dogma inside of me that I need to endure abuse. No, I don’t need to and I won’t any longer.

Once you realise you are not a victim but a creator, allowing abuse becomes a choice.

And I will never allow anyone to abuse me anymore. Even if it means that I need to cut ties from the ones I love most…

vox