Today two years ago my daughter was born. Life is the ultimate celebration of life… it is the biggest gift that life can make.
A child belongs to both parents, yet is the property of none. And it brings so much joy to both families it derives from.
I still remember the magic and joy our child brought to us and our whole families and the six most beautiful months of my life thereafter.
It was a privilege to be able to witness my first daughter’s birth and I am grateful that the mother of our child let me be there.
I am grateful that the mother of our child gave birth to a healthy, intelligent and beautiful child.
I am grateful that she gave my family and especially my parents the joy and hope that comes with the first grandchild.
I am grateful that she allowed our linage to be continued, which always felt like a burden to me, since I didn’t want our millennia old Persian dynasty to end with me.
I am grateful, that the mother of our child was a strong mother and gave me the space from the beginning on while I was consumed with building a future for our family.
I am grateful, that she takes care of all the worldly needs of our daughter.
And I am grateful that she takes care of the emotional needs of our child a mother can give.
I am grateful that she is the best mother that she can be.
And I am grateful that she really tried hard to be a family although I obviouly didn’t fit into her world.
Eventually, it didn’t work out – however hard both of us tried.
There is simply a very deep gap in our values and our perception of life.
And although I disagree with her conclusions about me and, therefore, how she deals with the situation I am still grateful – grateful that she is the mother of our child.
Without her there wouldn’t be this miracle, our child.
Last year after the constellation work my spiritual teacher said that our daughter has her own karma and that this is the life situation she chose to be born into.
On Saturday the 14th I experience one of the most intense days of my life. And although I have already written two entries, I really feel like it would not honour that experience, if I wouldn’t explicitly share my experiences of that day.
About a week earlier I had arrived in Chania were I met my friend Girogos and one of his friends. We did a road trip through Crete with his old-timer – us three, a dog and a cat.
I mean Giorgos is crazy. And that means something when I say it. Just look at his car and how we traveled.
The trip was wild. He rode his car as if it was a Humvee. And also – amongst other things – we slept in open air next to a chapel, in a Mitato (a shepard’s home in the mountains – and no it was not an Aurbnb, we just occupied it for the night) and on the beach.
After a week we arrived in Ierapetra and on Friday I moved on alone to Chrysi Island as I felt like I needed some time alone and it was obvious that I would go deep (inside) and do another ritual.
I went there with my small backpack, my hammock and knew that I would only be able to make it as long as my powerbank would last.
On Saturday I got up at around 6:30 am. I did some deep breathwork to get me into an altered state of consciousness. I love to explore places like this in an altered state of consciousness.
The wind was blowing hard… really hard. I thought it was the usual climate on this island. The whole scenery was kinda surreal. I mean, the wind was so strong that it would constantly blow sand into my face but i was kinda feeling like a natural pealing – I could even lean back into the wind and let go without falling down – combined with the tiny shells that is basically the sand, the abandoned buildings and vehicles (motorbikes and quads with no engine inside any longer) and bones of animals lying around.
I wasn’t sure, if I was hanging out in reality or a type of Mad-Max scenery or on Mars.
As I was exploring the wind started to blow so strong that even my beard couldn’t handle it any longer 😉
At some point the moment dragged me towards a special spot where I found fossilised shells surrounded a kind of pod that was an access to the see. In a straight line in from of the that pod in about 100 and 200 meters rocks came out of the see. The waves were high and fast – driven by the wind. I sat at in the pod looking at this divine play of the waves hitting the rocks in front of me. It just looked like massive wxplosions of water. It was possibly the most beautiful natural spectacle I have every experienced in my life. This spot seemed like a throne and a divine gate to the sea.
And then, the see called me… that I should go in and swim in it. It almost dragged me like a strong magnet. For a moment I questioned my sanity. The waves were really high and wild and I wondered if I would be able to make it alive.
Yet, I felt like I had to go in. I felt like the goda were calling me to swim with them.
And then I though: “Did I come here to die?”
Stan Grof once said, the wish to die is usually the wish for rebirth. And yes, I had the wish to be reborn. And then I thought – even if I die, I will be reborn again. And if I die, I die at one of the most beautiful places on earth. A spot were gods are born, made love and die.
I prepared myself to go in.
And then…
Xenia Minou
If I would die here, now I will never be able to be a good father for her… and perhaps people will tell her, I committed suicide.
But being there as a father in this lifetime is an illusion anyway, as her mother acts like she wants to cancel me out of our childs life.
So I felt like I had to go in.
I take my mobile to write to a friend:
“Brother, from this day on know: whenever i leave it’s not suicide, it’s just me making love with life”
But that moment my battery dies.
So I stay… “tomorrow is another day…”
The rest of the day, is just one of the most beautiful days of my life – only poets could describe it.
This surreal island, the wind, the waves.
Later, when I go to get a drink at the beach bar, I saw that nobody is around. It almost seems like the island is evacuated, although the wind got less and less hard and the waves much flatter the later it became.
And in fact – as I found out later – it was. The wind was not just strong, it was a proper coastal storm and there was a tornado warning the island was evacuated. But I was so far off the beaten track away from the tourists, that nobody told and found me. And I had thought this was just the normal climate of the island 🤣
Lucky bastard, once again, just like in ancient Delphi when I had this divine experience all alone because I was lucky enough that it was raining like hell and that there were no tourists.
In the evening the healer I work with called during our conversation I realised that I needed to make the funeral for my hope that one day my ex, our daughter and me will be a happy family again.
So I did the next day.
Eventually, the next day although still very windy the storm was over. I executed the ritual and then went into the sea. It was by far not as windy as the day before and although the waves were still high, they were by far not as high as the day before.
Back to Athens I tell my friends the story. Both respond “Seems like you discovered Poseidons Throne”
Lucky bastard… I am grateful for these divine, surreal, epic, tranformative, tourist free experiences I keep making here in greece, first in Delphi Zeus and Apollon, and now on Chrysi Poseidon 😉
Last year in July when I attended a “healing day” by my spiritual teacher she suddenly made a family constallation with the whole group for me.
Only her and me knew the topic. No-one else in the room knew what it was. And this is when constallation work always get’s spooky and is at it’s best: It was striking how accurate the representatives mirrowed the wohle situation without knowing anything about the story and who they represented.
Throughout the work my child would cry desperately for me – 45 Minutes non-stop – and the people she lives with didn’t understand why. And there was nothing I could do to get any closer. There was like a giant wall.
When the work ended, everyone in the room cried (including my spiritual teacher)… execpt for me.
The conclusion was, that i need to let go of my child.
What does it mean to let go of your child? I mean, how do you possibly let go of your child?!
So I went to Greece.
There is some situations in life that you cannot fix.
And still for the last 2 1/2 years I tried to fix a situation.
People usually say they would do anything for their child.
What does this actually mean: Anything?!
Would you do anything for your child?
Of course you would!
And I did.
And when I did, I did cross some boudaries.
What I did, was not out of greed. It was out of desperation… and – foremost – out of love. Love for the ones I cared most about and wanted to protect: The mother of my child and my child.
But I was too arrogant all along the way. And I am sincerely sorry for my mistakes and that I have disappointed the mother of my child.
There is these mistakes in life that you cannot fix!
Last week I was travelling with a healer. He said: “This situation with your child is eating you up alive… you need to let go of her… I don’t know how, but you need to let go of your child!”
The same advice, again!
In my meditation after that conversation, I realised that I still subconsciously had the hope, that we will one day be a happy family again.
I was quite shocked by that insight as it is obvious to me that too much glass has been shattered to work out.
I loved my family… very much! The first six months after my child’s birth were the six most beautiful months of my life! And although the relationship to the mother of my child was very challenging for me, still I loved her and our family.
And although rationally I was aware that there is no going back for me I wasn’t aware I still had this unconscious hope.
So, I decided to do a pilgrimage to the chapel on the other side of Chrysi Island were I stayed the last couple of days, reaptedly telling myself like a mantra: “I let go of the hope that we will be a happy family again one day.”
While repeating this mantra, I bursted out in tears. It was the first time I was able to cry since the separation. Now I realise since I didn’t cry before I wasn’t able to let go.
When I arrived at the chapel I started a ceremony by ringing the bell, symbolically talked to my family and then burried a beautiful stone representing my hope to be a happy family again and finished the ceremony by ringing the bell again.
When I went back from the ceremony I faced the sea to finish the ritual for initiating a new chapter.
In the old days getting baptised wasn’t just a symbolic ritual with some water put on the head. Babies were actually held under water for a long time to see if they are “worthy” of surviving.
So I faced the deep see and swam far out into the open see – much further than I have ever done before – to talk to the gods.
So, this time, the gods didn’t take me with them. Instead I was baptised by the sea.
So, at last I moved to a dear friend’s home as I couldn’t bare with the cats and cockroaches any longer.
I had a great time with my friend, although we stayed inside all the time – outside it still has more than 40 degrees. Just yesterday more than 120 new wildfire bursted out in Greece, the one in Athens only being one of them.
So we had some great food and deep conversations on life, love and narcissism.
As one of our friends is highly manipulative and has some other interesting traits we started to suspect that person might be narcissistic.
Eventually we read a bit about signs of narcissistic abuse and had some fun and some more hints 😉
Our converstions lead us to realize that most people’s life is merely a reaction to one or both parents.
I wondered if my life is too. Well of course my first reaction was “No!”
But if most people’s life is, why should I be the exception?!
In any case, to be grown up means really to outgrow the subconscious urge to react to your parents, doesn’t it?
But perhaps that’s enlightenment… who knows.
I’ll need some time to digest that 😉
For now I’m waiting at the airport to take my flight to… well, actually i have two options. In about an hour I have a flight from Athens to Crete, and in a few more hours, I have another flight from Athens to Budapest… will I go to meet some people who might be my future in Athens or will I go to the reinvented OZORA and do another ritual?
The more I approached to the airport the more I got seduced by my desire to stick to my original plan to go back to OZORA. Another crossroad… either decision will likely be decisive for my future path.
Let’s see, I need to decide now and stop writing. So I’ll solve this one like many of my big decisions in life… I’ll let fate decide ✌🏽
Since 2018, every 1st of August has been a very special day for me. When I woke up this morning at a friend’s home where the building is controlled by cockroaches, I thought, “Hmm, this year August 1st won’t be special…. quite the opposite.”
I mean, being stuck in blazing hot Athens (where it get’s up to 45 degrees during the day and – moreover – doesn’t cool down below 30 degrees at night)… there is little to do other than staying at home (in-between cockroaches), especially since all of my friends are out of town or working this weekend.
In 2007, during my initial trip to Iran, additionally to the special encounter with my ex-wife I had another encounter that was so intense that cannot really be put in words. It was like a nuclear reaction, the deepest of platonic love I had ever experienced… two man finding their Shams in each other…
However, after I married in 2010, he entered into a prolonged negative altered state of consciousness. It seemed like the man I had know and loved was gone. I didn’t recognise him again ever since. Some people told me, that he wouldn’t change anymore. But I was convinced that he would some day.
In the summer of 2018, I was told that he was back to his old self. Coincidentally, this sudden change of consciousness had appeared at the same time my ex-wife and me had separated. Anyway, I knew – if true – at some stage he would connect.
There are some things in life that are inevitable to happen – because the nature of reality makes them inevitable.
During my last ritual at the summer solstice 40 days ago I had a deep insight concerning us, being able to forgive myself and him for some shit that had happened between us.
Today, for the first time in over ten years he called me. When I heard the tone of his voice, I knew he is back!
He kinda tried to explain what has happened over the last 10 years.
Ya mashoogh, I feel you… there is nothing to explain or to be sorry for. All of us on the path experience the dark night of the soul at some stage.
It’s been 10 years… it’s time to meet again and teach each other what we have learned from our dark nights 😉
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