I wanted to attend a learning love workshop for years now and I finally did. The premise of the learning love practitioners is that we never learned how love works and that we proactively need to learn it.
We are used to go to university to learn business studies, philosophy, IT, etc. But we expect that we automatically know how love works… why should we.
The deeper a relationship is the more likely it is that childhood traumas will triggered in a relationship and we can use this situations to connect and grow together and individually at the same time. Many relationships fail at this stage as couples usually do not have the tools to cope with childhood traumas in a relationship.
I will share my notes from the workshop to give you an idea of what is essential and what you could do yourself:
“When you try to change your beloved by the way you communicate you call that manipulation.”
“In learning love you learn how to connect (rather than manipulate) through communication.”
“COMMUNicate means to create communion. Solely to speak is not enough for creating a connection.”
There are six emotions:
“We cannot influence our emotions and we cannot decide which emotions get triggered or for how long or how intensively.”
“When we have an intense time together and exchange during that time we create love or friendship.”
“To create love we need to spend time together and exchange about our feelings.”
“Always ask yourself the question: Do I want to talk to someone because I want to get rid of something or because I want to create a communion?”
“If I am seriously interested in love or friendship I need to allow all six emotions be exist. Not only the two positive ones (which is a sign or superficial relationships)”
“You need to recognize, tolerate and share emotions.”
“Accept that there is a separation between you and the beloved (otherwise it is a co-dependent relationship)”
“Expectations sabotage relationships! When expectations are not met that leads to fear, anger, etc. which leads to conflicts.”
“Before we can love, we need to be clear about our expectations”
„What do I expect from that relationship“
“My expectations are my weak-points”
“It is never our emotions that create a separation. It is our reactions.”
“It’s about changing the reactions in spite of the existing emotions.”
“All reactions create separation not communion.”
“There are two situations that create triggers: When you are missing something or when the other person does something that I don’t like or is too much. So when I don’t get what I need or if it is too much what I get, I get emotionally disturbed.”
“If I want to create communion, the first thing I need to understand and change is my reactions.”
“Basically there are three types of reactions: to fight, to flee or to play dead.”
Exercise 1: Ask these questions:
What is the emotion?
What is the need?
How do I behave – What do I do when the emotion becomes too strong?
“What happens when you have expressed needs? – You create communion.”
“In order to feel connected, it is not necessarily necessary to fulfill the needs.”
“As a child it is absolutely legitimate to project one’s own needs on the parents. This is the only case.”
“Maturity means to transform from the expectation that someone else will take care of my needs to taking care of my needs myself.”
“How can you handle it when the other doesn’t share my needs? The key is sharing the emotions and needs.”
“We need to lern to tolerate the frustration when my needs are not met. So never, never, never take a decision about separation on an emotional peak.”
“Every Emotion ist never a problem but is only a symptom that wants to show me something about myself.”
“But when an emotion is overwhelming and I am not able to joyously live my life that means that there is a trauma that I am stuck with. And then I need to work on that trauma. My partner is not responsible for my trauma.”
“There are three types of trauma: shock, shame, abandonment.”
“It’s the voice of our trauma that says: When you open up yourself you will be wounded!”
“There are two reasons why I want make myself vulnerable in a relationship: For my personal growth and to give a the relationship a chance by opening up.”
How to create a container for an emotional arousal:
- By naming the emotion – that reduces the arousal.
- Stay in the body.
- What’s the emotion right now?
- Where do I feel it in the body?
“Every expectation is a consequence of a childhood trauma.”
Every expectation means: „You are not ok as you are and you need to serve me“
“As a child I got holes in my system and I do not see the beloved if I want him/her to fill these holes”
“The only thing we my expect from the beloved is honesty – to be honest about ourselves… never be open for the other but only for ourselves!”
“What creates intimacy is not to satisfy the other’s needs but to do the journey together”
“We cannot get into an open communication with the purpose to get something.”
“Loving does not happen through receiving but through giving.”
“We have two side in us: One wants to open the heart, heal the wounds and grow. The other is just wounded… the wounded aspect will always be with us… carrying the expectation the other will always be there… expecting the other is responsible.”
“We need to understand: Whatever problem we have in a relationship, I created it.”
“The other is never responsible for my emotions – but the inner child will always expect this from the beloves.”
The facilitator says: “Even after 35 years of working on my traumas I still get triggered at times. There is only two cases when we do need to work on ourselves and our trauma: death & enlightenment… it’s a lifelong journey.”
How to make ourself vulnerable in a healthy way in a relationship:
1. Always only choose one specific event
„When this… happened“ or
„When you say…” or
„When you did…“
And never judge the person!
2. „Then I FEEL…“
(And then name the EMOTION)
3. „And I would NEEDS…“
4. „How is it for you when you hear this?“
1. When I hear…
2. I feel…
3. And I would need…
“The last exercise is the essence for creating a healing relationship.”