Yesterday I had an inspiring conversation about love and what it could be. It made me reflect on my past relationships and, of course, what I believe love to be.

I had a few relationships and I always believed my feelings to be love.

Looking back being honest with myself my feelings were always influenced by need and desire.

Some I loved, I needed, not to feel alone.

Others as I had lacked affection in a while.

Some I loved to overcome a previous relationship.

Others as they gave me a future perspective.

Some I loved simply because I got used to them.

Others because I was in fear… in fear to be alone (again) or not to find anyone “better” or not to be loved by someone else as much.

Some I loved as I learned a lot from them.

Others because I wanted to teach or inspire them.

Most of them because I needed them for something!

So I wonder if I ever truly loved one of them!

Don’t misunderstand me: I respect all of my former girlfriends and I highly value all of my previous relationships.

Yet, being honest, at last all these relationships broke up when either I didn’t need them anymore or they didn’t need me no more.

Each and every single relationship would break up the moment the conditions why we loved each other changed or fulfilled.

So I wonder if that truly is love!

Does love depend on these typ of conditions?

“I love you ’cause I need you!”

“I love you ’cause I’m (my happiness) is dependent on you!”

“I love you ’cause I learn a lot from you!”

“I love you ’cause I fear being alone without you!”

“I love you ’cause I fear nobody else will “love” me like you!”

And there are many more sentences like that…

So what happens if I don’t need that person anymore? If I’m not dependent anymore? If I don’t learn from that person anymore? If I don’t fear being alone without that person anymore?

Do I still love that person without these conditions?

I guess it really depends!

If I really love that person I will still do so… So these conditions must have supported a deeper love! But if these conditions “create” love…

Well… I’m not too sure!

It feels like ill-motivated love to me!

I’m not sure if I truly love someone if it is only based on these type of conditions.

So I come to conclude that I only truly love if that love is not based on some ill-motivated conditions! If it is not dependent on various factors but rather if it is detached… detached from ill-motivated desires and needs.

I believe that I can only truly love if I love myself and am happy with myself… if I don’t need my partner to do so.

Of course that doesn’t imply that I may not need my partner at times, may not learn from my partner, may not be more happy being with my partner, may not…

It just means that I’m not dependent on my partner to live my life, to feel good, to be happy!

And of course I’m far away from that state and I need to work a lot to grow personally and reach that state. And of course it doesn’t mean that I won’t have relationships until I have reached that state. Quite the opposite is the case: every single relationship will help me to get even closer.

But at least I want to try to be honest with myself…

…not to fool myself…

…not to clown myself…

and look at what it really is that makes me feel affection for a person!

By doing that I do grow, being honest not only with myself but also with my partner and giving every partner I feel affection for the chance to love that person truly and not ill-motivated!

So this is my personal perception, my personal truth, my personal reality about love… today…

So let’s see what I will have to say in two decades from now about this entry 😉

vox

Bangkok, Thailand

So maybe it wasn’t supposed to be the first time…

And this time it was a good experience! Real good! I couldn’t do a silent retreat as it wasn’t possible at the moment at the temple I stayed and yet I learned a lot. A lot about myself, a lot about Thai culture and something about Buddhism and Thai temples.

So now it is really time to move on!

Where should I head next?

If I follow my heart I have to go back to my roots… finally…

Sri Lanka was supposed to be next… but i have no roots to find there! At least not that I knew…

Well, going to Iran is not that easy a task though. I cannot just go there. In my case the only other places harder to enter are perhaps Bhutan and the States… at least with that picture in my passport 😉

So the first thing I would need to do is to get my father’s blessing.

Maybe that’s the thing to do next…

vox

So it was not supposed to be!

The trip from Surat Thani to Chaiya usually takes an hour. It took me four and when I arrived the retreat was full… for the first time ever!

I went to the temple nearby to sleep there for the night. It was nice and simple! And I figure I will be sleeping at temples more often in future.

On Friday I took the train to Bangkok. It was a slow train but I was accompanied by a very remakable young Dutch woman and we had a good chat.

So now I’m back to Bangkok and I enjoy the city. Many travelers hate it but I think it’s a lively and vivrant metropolis! Although it smells ; )

I’m not quite sure what I’ll do next. Perhaps I’ll head north to Chiang Mai and Pai or maybe I’ll go to Sri Lanka a bit earlier than expected… who knows…

I’ll go with the flow!

So for tonight I plan to stay in Bangkok…

vox

Surat Thani, Thailand

Today I left Koh Phangan.

For the last two months I’ve lived on this island. I encountered a few good people, had many good experiences and mentally I’ve finally arrived in Asia.

So this is the end of the beginning of my trip!

I benefited a lot from the yoga course although I considered it to be only warming-up for deeper spiritual experiences and practice to come. In the beginning I really liked my school. There were some good people and I liked the teachers a lot, both being new to teaching. Apart from that I had many good experiences giving my fellow students treatments.

When I left the yoga school I was disillusioned as one of the school’s most advanced teachers arrived to take over classes.

I came to conclude that I ended up in a “spiritual” gang-bang club. I am not sure they know what tantra(-yoga) is really about… but maybe I just don’t know 😉

Maybe I’m doing them unjust… who knows…

So last week I returned to Cat Island. I felt different. I had finally arrived! I wasn’t phobic anymore. I wasn’t so heady anymore… I was… relaxed?

This time I did really enjoy everything… it was beautiful… it was real good!

And now the warming-up is over… two months is quite enough!

I’m heading towards Chaiya where I will do a ten day Buddhist retreat. No talking, no reading, no writing… meditation for ten days.

It is my first time so I’m really looking forward to this… especially since it’s been a long time since I wanted to do it!

More than four years ago I was searching for a retreat on the Internet after my relationship then broke up. I never ended up doing the retreat but I read about shiatsu for the first time which eventually lead me onto my new path and this trip…

So this is it… finally!

SILENCE

vox