Ibogaine

Vienna, Austria

Friday I decided to do a vision quest and made a visit to my local ethnobotanical store. I told them about my current situation. They suggested ibogaine to me.

Ibogaine is a natural psychedelic from an African root. Although it has psychoactive effects it is legal in Austria. It is generally used for various pharmacological or ritualistic purposes.

Ibogaine connects you to your own truth, your inner voice. Eventually you will hear a clear voice that will guide you through the process. And once you see your thoughts pass by you start to understand why and where they come from. And eventually it can reset your brain.

When I started On A Trip more then 11 years ago, one of my friends from Australia send me his review of his ibogaine ceremony in Thailand. Then, I was fascinated by his experience and wanted to try it as well… so after eleven years the circle is complete 😉

I decided to do the session on my own – without a trip-sitter – something I wouldn’t suggest to anyone. But as most of you know, I’m a bit crazy. And it felt like the right time for me to do the ceremony.

I prepared my healing room (my revamped former living room) and about 3 pm I started the ceremony. About 30 minutes later I started to feel strong energy flowing effects in my body. After about an hour I had light hallucinations.

So when my first memories came up I was able to grasp a fact: I started recalling memories when something would feel painful to me. Rather than feeling pain I reflect. This was not new to me but through the ibogaine process I could finally grasp it in a different way and deal with it.

I recalled my relationship and how it emerged. I was able to see myself through my wife’s eyes. It was an interesting experience 😉

We used to have a deep love connection and potential with each other. However, we did not make the best out of it. Quite the opposite.

And then I felt an incredible pain. Through feeling the pain I suddenly stopped suffering. This was the first time in my life I would rather feel pain than suffer.

Along the way I got a bit impatient that the „truth-voices“ were not guiding me. I had booked a vision quest ticket, not a lovesickness trip 😉

When I snapped out of a deep trance I could suddenly hear the voice clearly.

I was surprised how clearly and precisely the voice would answer my questions.

Its truth was sometimes painful but sometimes liberating.

Once my trip ended about 30 hours later I started feeling good. Really good. Really?

We’ll see… but it felt different somehow.

Truth creates suffering only if we don’t accept it.

vox

Stillstand?

More than 10 years have passed…

What has happened ever since?

Although my initial trip to Iran was a deeply healing experience for me, eventually I became so arrogant. I thought I could defy the „laws of life“ everyone is constrained by. The positive and spiritual experience also dipped into empowering my ego. When I came back from Iran I lost my humbleness. And I broke relationships with some of my best friends.

And then, when I went back to Iran with two big suitcases to reunite with the love of my life and to ask her father for her hand in marriage, I determined my path for the next 10 years to come.

Eventually, I married her and returned to Vienna to live there and to be able to provide for her. But then something happened that I did not expect: For being able to live with her and to provide for her, I started to change my personal path in life – a barefoot doctor lives a very modest life 😉

She did not expect all of that from me. If anything, she always asked me not to change my path for her. But to become a „good husband“, I believed I had to give up almost everything for my love but moreover, for myself. And along the way, I lost myself and became a bad husband and an awful companion. I lost my humbleness. I lost my flow. I was „out of sync“ with life.

I grew weaker and weaker!

I made myself a victim of my love, my new life, my new obligations.

I grew needy, I poisoned myself, I started to hate my life, I became a zombie and numb. And I became so frustrated with my life and myself.

Somehow I regressed into a child-like state!

Gone were the days when I traveled the world with a small backpack. The day’s when I only needed a torch, a knife, a sleeping bag, three t-shirts and two pants and my acupuncture needles 😉 Suddenly my priorities changed and I exchanged these things with a car, a nice apartment, a big flatscreen TV, the latest iPhone, tailor-made suits, a Montblanc pen and other stuff I never had considered to have any value to me. And I became fat – really fat.

I started various projects. Many of them were successful but none of them sustainable. Looking back now it is obvious why: I started to fool myself, to clown myself and not to be true to myself no more. I started to force things to happen, rather than accepting what life had to offer to me, accepting what is here and now.

Some of my friends were highly irritated. They did not understand what had happened to me. And my wife… she somehow thought she was deceived by me and that the guy she originally met, never really existed.

I lost respect for myself. My wife lost respect for me and even some of my closest friends started treating me disrespectfully.

Remember King Théoden who was poisoned by Wormtongue and grew weaker and weaker until Gandalf cast a spell on him so he returned to his senses?

In my case Gandalf was my wife. And her „spell“ was her telling me she leaves me.

At first I was in horror of the nightmare I have created for my wife and myself for the last 10 years. Don’t misunderstand me, I learned a lot, however, I created a world of self-pity, self-sabotage, misfortune, failure and dissatisfaction.

But now has come the time to stop pitting my life and myself.

I have no time to waste no more. I have no time for ‚maybes‘ anymore.

I’m the creator of my life!

Stillstand?

No, trippin again…

I’m back 😜

vox

Epilogue?

Life of a Traveller

He leaves and leaves behind or leaves to leave behind…

He enters a different world, a world he might not understand…

He has to practice patience, openness, trustfulnes and flexibility…

He has ideas and concepts on his mind but doesn’t plan…

He has ideas and concepts on his mind but doesn’t expect…

He is open and joyfully accepts whatever might unfold… he goes with the flow… confident that life will offer the best…

Desire gives way to acceptance… accepting whatever unfolds, accepting whatever is offered…

He lives right here, right now, an unattached and light way to experience life…

As he is free, a traveller, free in the physical and free in the spiritual world…

vox

Going Back

 Doha, Qatar

Nine months ago I left Iran… yet my heart never did!

Five hours from now I will be in Iran again… re-uniting with my heart…

This will be it… this will be my final trip…

vox

Nothing Special

Vienna, Austria

Nothing special is happening…

Nothing?

Well, just… daily life…

That’s what many people respond when they start comparing my traveler’s life with theirs. Hmm…

So I’m in Vienna for a few weeks now and I am also living a daily life rhythm like most people around me.

Two nights ago I was hanging out with three of my best friends. It was not a very special night but it was very special…

You know what I mean?

It was very special, just hanging out with three of my best friends…

Or yesterday night I was invited at a dinner. I didn’t know anyone other than the hosts and the friend I accompanied. We had some good food, good wine and good company. At around two we left. I was tired but we decided to have another drink…

Nice bar, good conversation… good being alive…

Going home an Arab was my taxi driver… I was experiencing a different world for a ten minute ride…

Business as usual, nothing special going on… but special…

Good night!

vox

Into My Arms

Vienna, Austria

My last three weeks in the New World I spend visiting a dear friend in Montreal. It’s nice to be able to experience the daily life of people who I know from a different type of context.

We had a good time sharing his daily life, some good food and wine, our reflections on the past, the present and whatever might unfold along our paths.

And I was spoiled with piano concertos with his very personal touch almost every night!

Sometimes I feel like there is a reason why I happen to end up at a certain place at a certain time. This time it was an good chapter in our friendship.

I came as a friend and I left a brother.

vox

Airports

Hamburg, Germany

Some might wonder why I am in Hamburg. In a way I am not. I am only at the airport waiting for my connection flight to Vienna. And like usual I write an entry while waiting…

Airports are a great place to reflect. You let something behind and something new is ahead 😉

Still, I have mixed feelings about airports. In a way they are the ports for my surreal life I am living at the moment. If it wasn’t for airports I wouldn’t have done what I did since I started this trip. Perhaps I would neither have gone to Iran nor to North America.

But at the other hand, it’s a pain, being racially profiled all the time (not only in the US), having special security checks, special registry, having my begs being opened every single time, getting interrogated, being told that this has to be done because in my country funny things are going on…

Hold on! I am Austrian!

And still, I might be denied admission to the US in future because an immigration officer had made a mistake when I entered the US last month. Since I couldn’t prove it seems to be mine. “You violated the regulations upon which I entered the country…” (as a special registrant… people “like me” don’t get normal tourist visas) “We could arrest you for that now!”

Aha…

Well, shit happens… at least I am in Hamburg now and not in Guantanamo…

vox

Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Myself

Montreal, Canada

This blog is not dead… not yet…

Sometimes I simply don’t know what to share!

Sometimes it is at times when not much happens!

Sometimes it is at times when too much happens!

Sometimes it is at times when… anyway…

Five weeks ago I came to the US to participate in a breathing/meditation workshop. This is my first trip to North America as a grown-up. In a way my experience here is not much different than expected:

So far I met some of the most interesting and special people I have ever met in my life. That might be something that does not confirm the non-American Western prejudice and stereotype of “the Americans”. For some it might be unbelievable but still it is true:

Some of the coolest people I know (and encountered these weeks) are American!

Especially in Portland. It is a unique place!

Anyway, apart from Portland and Montreal I stayed in New York, Washington and Chicago so far to do a workshop, visit family and friends. Everywhere I’ve been to I had some special and intense moments. And as everywhere I experience a lot.

Sometimes it’s things I do enjoy. At other times it might be things I might not enjoy too much…

Well, that’s life!

Everything is good!

Everything can teach me… if I am ready to be taught!

Everything is good ’cause life is a trip…

And i enjoy mine 😉

(although I haven’t managed to feel like on a vacation yet)

Everything is good… we just need to bare with the consequences…

vox

One Year…

Hamburg, Germany

Yesterday I talked to a friend. She said she feels like she’s always on vacation.

I told her I hardly every do…

She is working and I am traveling!

Hmm, I think I’m doing something wrong…

One year and trippin

People often think that they have to travel to be on a trip. Yet anything you do can be a trip…

My friends MC and Fanatique are doing music to be on a trip, my sister is writing to be on a trip and some people eat some strange mushrooms to be trippin

I believe trippin essentially is only a thing in your head!

One year and trippin

Life as a traveler:

You don’t want anything anymore… you start to accept what life has to offer!

It has a lot to offer if you can trust it to offer you good… and if you are open to recognize what it has to offer…

You love life, you trust life, you are open for life…

You embrace life!

One year and trippin

Trust…

It’s like being in the car of a mad driver with 160 km/h on road that is not made for more than 90…

You trust life?!? Well, you sit back, relax and enjoy the rush…

One year and trippin

Openness…

It’s like having the choice to spend a weekend with people you don’t know, you are not too interested to get to know, in a place you don’t want to go to and won’t be able to leave once you decide to go. Instead you could just do what you always do or you do what you planned to do…

Though, if you go, you might get to know the love of your life 😉

One year and trippin

Love…

It’s like the tears that drop from your eyes ’cause you are so joyful you have to cry…

One year and trippin

One year ON A TRIP…

Still mis-taken, mis-understood, mis-perceived?!?

Still a little neurotic soul…

Still trippin!

vox

A Last Night in India (Part II)

Mumbai (Bombay), India

This is the third time in three months that I’m leaving India. This time it is for good (I guess)!

This time there is no McDonald’s story or action-movie-dancing-star…

52 hours ago, I left Kathmandu in a bus and arrived in Mumbai this evening. I had a lot of time to reflect on the past few months…

Do I hate or love this place?

I think I really don’t like it too much. But then again, some things are really good and, moreover, there are some really special people here. Apart from that what type of stupid question is “do I hate or love this place?” I mean, one billion people live in this vast country. so one ‘place’ isn’t like another…

Still, I’m happy to leave India and I am happy not to return too soon. I think I really don’t like this place too much… or maybe it showed me some aspects of my character I really didn’t want to see?

India is a very special country! You get confronted with yourself, learn a lot about yourself and about life. So definitely it is a great place (to visit)… in a way…

But in my particular case I visited India just two months after I left Iran. And, well, I guess everything sucks compared to the country of your roots… especially if you loved it…

So perhaps this won’t be the very last night in India… but for now at least (thank god…

whichever)…

vox