Destructive Fear

There is that fear that helps me survive. It is the type of fear that protects me from dangerous situations. Perhaps you can also call it my inner voice, my intuition.

But then there is destructive fear. This type of fear is fear that blurs my sight. It blurs my feelings, my perception.

It clouds my senses. It makes me think and do things that are destructive.

Sometimes this fear takes full control over me. And once I am controlled by it, it seems like there is nothing I can do about it.

This type of fear is tricky. It becomes like a vicious circle. It makes things worse… and then even worser.

I once I made an exercise looking at this type of fear. „What is your biggest fear?“ And then you ask yourself what happens if this fear takes full effect. You often get to the point where you realize that what you are afraid of is not that bad. However, it can also get to the point where it get’s bad… really bad…

What I realized doing that exercise was that what I was afraid of was what I actually did already create in my life. In a way my biggest fear initiated a self-fulfilling prophecy.

That’s the tricky bit about it. Although that fear might not be reality at first, eventually it will become reality, just because I allow it subconsciously to take over control.

The first step to conquer my fear is by acknowledging it. Then I go right into it. Because if I don’t do it, I am dead before death.

When people ask me about my take on spirituality I always give the same answer: Spirituality is not about angels and feel-good. Quite the opposite… on a deep level it’s the path along pain and fear!

Yeah, but there is also light… at the end of the tunnel.


The Path of Sin (world of vox – part II)

Looking back on how I experience life I can say one thing: I believe in personally experiencing almost everything.

I do learn a lot through reading and other people’s experiences but also through my culture, society’s norms and spiritual traditions.

However, I mostly learn from travelling, trippin and personally experiencing…  the quality of my understanding is on a very different level… much deeper…

I neither believe in dogma nor in suppressing what I feel like I need to do.

I believe that everything is good, as long as I bare with the consequences!

So I had to learn a lot the hard way and the price was usually high that I needed to pay.

This is the only true way I know how to learn… learn from life about my values and my true nature.

Wise are those (wo)men who know when it is right to break a rule.

So to grow wise I committed almost every sin. Often the consequences were very painful and sometimes the price was too high but living my own truth is what I did eventually win.


world of vox (part I)

In my world there is nobody to blame.
There is cause and effect.

In my world there is no coincidence.
There is  karma.

In my world there is no judgement.
There is  understanding.

In my world there are no borders.
There is  freedom.

In my world there is no mistakes.
There is accountability.

In my world everything is good… as long as we bare with the consequences.

In my world love, openness and trust rule…



Vienna, Austria

Friday I decided to do a vision quest and made a visit to my local ethnobotanical store. I told them about my current situation. They suggested ibogaine to me.

Ibogaine is a natural psychedelic from an African root. Although it has psychoactive effects it is legal in Austria. It is generally used for various pharmacological or ritualistic purposes.

Ibogaine connects you to your own truth, your inner voice. Eventually you will hear a clear voice that will guide you through the process. And once you see your thoughts pass by you start to understand why and where they come from. And eventually it can reset your brain.

When I started On A Trip more then 11 years ago, one of my friends from Australia send me his review of his ibogaine ceremony in Thailand. Then, I was fascinated by his experience and wanted to try it as well… so after eleven years the circle is complete 😉

I decided to do the session on my own – without a trip-sitter – something I wouldn’t suggest to anyone. But it felt like the right time for me to do the ceremony.

I prepared my healing room (my revamped former living room) and about 3 pm I started the ceremony. About 30 minutes later I started to feel strong energy flowing effects in my body. After about an hour I had light hallucinations.

So when my first memories came up I was able to grasp a fact: I started recalling memories when something would feel painful to me. Rather than feeling pain I reflect. This was not new to me but through the ibogaine process I could finally grasp it in a different way and deal with it.

I recalled my relationship and how it emerged. I was able to see myself through my wife’s eyes. It was an interesting experience 😉

We used to have a deep love connection and potential with each other. However, we did not make the best out of it. Quite the opposite.

And then I felt an incredible pain. Through feeling the pain I suddenly stopped suffering. This was the first time in my life I would rather feel pain than suffer.

Along the way I got a bit impatient that the „truth-voices“ were not guiding me. I had booked a vision quest ticket, not a lovesickness trip 😉

When I snapped out of a deep trance I could suddenly hear the voice clearly.

I was surprised how clearly and precisely the voice would answer my questions.

Its truth was sometimes painful but sometimes liberating.

Once my trip ended about 30 hours later I started feeling good. Really good. Really?

We’ll see… but it felt different somehow.

Truth creates suffering only if we don’t accept it.



More than 10 years have passed…

What has happened ever since?

Although my initial trip to Iran was a deeply healing experience for me, eventually I became so arrogant. I thought I could defy the „laws of life“ everyone is constrained by. The positive and spiritual experience also dipped into empowering my ego. When I came back from Iran I lost my humbleness. And I broke relationships with some of my best friends.

And then, when I went back to Iran with two big suitcases to reunite with the love of my life and to ask her father for her hand in marriage, I determined my path for the next 10 years to come.

Eventually, I married her and returned to Vienna to live there and to be able to provide for her. But then something happened that I did not expect: For being able to live with her and to provide for her, I started to change my personal path in life – a barefoot doctor lives a very modest life 😉

She did not expect all of that from me. If anything, she always asked me not to change my path for her. But to become a „good husband“, I believed I had to give up almost everything for my love but moreover, for myself. And along the way, I lost myself and became a bad husband and an awful companion. I lost my humbleness. I lost my flow. I was „out of sync“ with life.

I grew weaker and weaker!

I made myself a victim of my love, my new life, my new obligations.

I grew needy, I poisoned myself, I started to hate my life, I became a zombie and numb. And I became so frustrated with my life and myself.

Somehow I regressed into a child-like state!

Gone were the days when I traveled the world with a small backpack. The day’s when I only needed a torch, a knife, a sleeping bag, three t-shirts and two pants and my acupuncture needles 😉 Suddenly my priorities changed and I exchanged these things with a car, a nice apartment, a big flatscreen TV, the latest iPhone, tailor-made suits, a Montblanc pen and other stuff I never had considered to have any value to me. And I became fat – really fat.

I started various projects. Many of them were successful but none of them sustainable. Looking back now it is obvious why: I started to fool myself, to clown myself and not to be true to myself no more. I started to force things to happen, rather than accepting what life had to offer to me, accepting what is here and now.

Some of my friends were highly irritated. They did not understand what had happened to me. And my wife… she somehow thought she was deceived by me and that the guy she originally met, never really existed.

I lost respect for myself. My wife lost respect for me and even some of my closest friends started treating me disrespectfully.

Remember King Théoden who was poisoned by Wormtongue and grew weaker and weaker until Gandalf cast a spell on him so he returned to his senses?

In my case Gandalf was my wife. And her „spell“ was her telling me she leaves me.

At first I was in horror of the nightmare I have created for my wife and myself for the last 10 years. Don’t misunderstand me, I learned a lot, however, I created a world of self-pity, self-sabotage, misfortune, failure and dissatisfaction.

But now has come the time to stop pitting my life and myself.

I have no time to waste no more. I have no time for ‚maybes‘ anymore.

I’m the creator of my life!


No, trippin again…

I’m back 😜



Life of a Traveller

He leaves and leaves behind or leaves to leave behind…

He enters a different world, a world he might not understand…

He has to practice patience, openness, trustfulnes and flexibility…

He has ideas and concepts on his mind but doesn’t plan…

He has ideas and concepts on his mind but doesn’t expect…

He is open and joyfully accepts whatever might unfold… he goes with the flow… confident that life will offer the best…

Desire gives way to acceptance… accepting whatever unfolds, accepting whatever is offered…

He lives right here, right now, an unattached and light way to experience life…

As he is free, a traveller, free in the physical and free in the spiritual world…


Going Back

 Doha, Qatar

Nine months ago I left Iran… yet my heart never did!

Five hours from now I will be in Iran again… re-uniting with my heart…

This will be it… this will be my final trip…


Nothing Special

Vienna, Austria

Nothing special is happening…


Well, just… daily life…

That’s what many people respond when they start comparing my traveler’s life with theirs. Hmm…

So I’m in Vienna for a few weeks now and I am also living a daily life rhythm like most people around me.

Two nights ago I was hanging out with three of my best friends. It was not a very special night but it was very special…

You know what I mean?

It was very special, just hanging out with three of my best friends…

Or yesterday night I was invited at a dinner. I didn’t know anyone other than the hosts and the friend I accompanied. We had some good food, good wine and good company. At around two we left. I was tired but we decided to have another drink…

Nice bar, good conversation… good being alive…

Going home an Arab was my taxi driver… I was experiencing a different world for a ten minute ride…

Business as usual, nothing special going on… but special…

Good night!


Into My Arms

Vienna, Austria

My last three weeks in the New World I spend visiting a dear friend in Montreal. It’s nice to be able to experience the daily life of people who I know from a different type of context.

We had a good time sharing his daily life, some good food and wine, our reflections on the past, the present and whatever might unfold along our paths.

And I was spoiled with piano concertos with his very personal touch almost every night!

Sometimes I feel like there is a reason why I happen to end up at a certain place at a certain time. This time it was an good chapter in our friendship.

I came as a friend and I left a brother.



Hamburg, Germany

Some might wonder why I am in Hamburg. In a way I am not. I am only at the airport waiting for my connection flight to Vienna. And like usual I write an entry while waiting…

Airports are a great place to reflect. You let something behind and something new is ahead 😉

Still, I have mixed feelings about airports. In a way they are the ports for my surreal life I am living at the moment. If it wasn’t for airports I wouldn’t have done what I did since I started this trip. Perhaps I would neither have gone to Iran nor to North America.

But at the other hand, it’s a pain, being racially profiled all the time (not only in the US), having special security checks, special registry, having my begs being opened every single time, getting interrogated, being told that this has to be done because in my country funny things are going on…

Hold on! I am Austrian!

And still, I might be denied admission to the US in future because an immigration officer had made a mistake when I entered the US last month. Since I couldn’t prove it seems to be mine. “You violated the regulations upon which I entered the country…” (as a special registrant… people “like me” don’t get normal tourist visas) “We could arrest you for that now!”


Well, shit happens… at least I am in Hamburg now and not in Guantanamo…