I had a few relationships and I always believed my feelings to be love.
Looking back being honest with myself my feelings were always influenced by need and desire.
Some I loved, I needed, not to feel alone.
Others as I had lacked affection in a while.
Some I loved to overcome a previous relationship.
Others as they gave me a future perspective.
Some I loved simply because I got used to them.
Others because I was in fear… in fear to be alone (again) or not to find anyone “better” or not to be loved by someone else as much.
Some I loved as I learned a lot from them.
Others because I wanted to teach or inspire them.
Most of them because I needed them for something!
So I wonder if I ever truly loved one of them!
Don’t misunderstand me: I respect all of my former girlfriends and I highly value all of my previous relationships.
Yet, being honest, at last all these relationships broke up when either I didn’t need them anymore or they didn’t need me no more.
Each and every single relationship would break up the moment the conditions why we loved each other changed or fulfilled.
So I wonder if that truly is love!
Does love depend on these typ of conditions?
“I love you ’cause I need you!”
“I love you ’cause I’m (my happiness) is dependent on you!”
“I love you ’cause I learn a lot from you!”
“I love you ’cause I fear being alone without you!”
“I love you ’cause I fear nobody else will “love” me like you!”
And there are many more sentences like that…
So what happens if I don’t need that person anymore? If I’m not dependent anymore? If I don’t learn from that person anymore? If I don’t fear being alone without that person anymore?
Do I still love that person without these conditions?
I guess it really depends!
If I really love that person I will still do so… So these conditions must have supported a deeper love! But if these conditions “create” love…
Well… I’m not too sure!
It feels like ill-motivated love to me!
I’m not sure if I truly love someone if it is only based on these type of conditions.
So I come to conclude that I only truly love if that love is not based on some ill-motivated conditions! If it is not dependent on various factors but rather if it is detached… detached from ill-motivated desires and needs.
I believe that I can only truly love if I love myself and am happy with myself… if I don’t need my partner to do so.
Of course that doesn’t imply that I may not need my partner at times, may not learn from my partner, may not be more happy being with my partner, may not…
It just means that I’m not dependent on my partner to live my life, to feel good, to be happy!
And of course I’m far away from that state and I need to work a lot to grow personally and reach that state. And of course it doesn’t mean that I won’t have relationships until I have reached that state. Quite the opposite is the case: every single relationship will help me to get even closer.
But at least I want to try to be honest with myself…
…not to fool myself…
…not to clown myself…
and look at what it really is that makes me feel affection for a person!
By doing that I do grow, being honest not only with myself but also with my partner and giving every partner I feel affection for the chance to love that person truly and not ill-motivated!
So this is my personal perception, my personal truth, my personal reality about love… today…
So let’s see what I will have to say in two decades from now about this entry 😉