The last three months were intense in many ways. I worked a lot, I meditated a lot and I processed a lot.
I kinda enjoyed the lockdown as it helped me to focus on my work and myself.
I processed a lot of stuff. I’m now in the fourth month of my detox and along the way I had quite some epiphanies and farewelled a lot of things that were toxic in my life… beliefs, patterns and people.
I worked with a clinical psychologist to check out my mental state and if I possibly have a personality disorder as someone indirectly accused me of having a serious one. I mean, most people who have serious issues believe they don’t have them, so I wondered if I might have a blind spot there.
I worked with the psychologist – especially looking at the disorders of narcissism and borderline – and fully opened up to her and told her about my potentially negative behaviours. And we also talked a lot about the topics of manipulation and lying.
Her conclusion was: “You are neither narcissistic nor borderline, yet you show clear symptoms of narcissistic abuse!”
She would continue to say that “victims” of narcissistic abuse usually question their sanity and believe they are the ones who are the predators and that this was one of the signs.
I read up quite some stuff on this topic and it was relieving for me to read what other people experiencing this type of abuse had experienced. And looking back, really the people I got rid off in the last three months were all either narcissistic or had, at least, some narcissistic traits.
As we also looked into the topics of lying and manipulation she told me that both are kinda overrated in society. Everyone does a fair bit of both and they are part of everybody’s life (a person lies more than 100 times a day) and although not honourable it is normal although avoidable. However, she said the only exception where lying acceptable is, when someone is in a self-defence situation where you have to deal with someone you cannot collaborate and/or or in a position of overwhelming power.
Thant’s a very interesting thought.
I mean, obviously I cannot claim I lie less then everybody. But when it comes to the big lies? I know so many people who lie to have a competitive advantage, to gain some money, power, influence. But yes, when I consciously lie, I do so usually to protect myself or someone I love, in situations, I do not have (or see) another option. So many people I know who lie or manipulate simply for egoistic reasons.
So this process was quite enlightening for me.
Also I was finally able to forgive a person who did unjust to me and where I could never have imagined just three months ago that I would ever be able to forgive. But you know what: When you do the inner work I do for every day over the last 5 months (including, meditation, yoga, breathwork, qi gong, workout, reading, gratitude rituals, forgiveness rituals,…), things change on a deeper level. And I do all that stuff every day… there is a reason why my morning routine lasts for about 3 hours in the meantime 😉
So finally, last week I was able to forgive the person I thought I would never be able to forgive. And it’s funny, I send that person a long letter to apologise for my side – for my sh!t. However, postal tracking shows that it never arrived. However, at the post office they told me that it might not have been properly tracked.
I wonder what that stands for symbolically. For a moment I wondered if I should rewrite the letter and send it again. But then I though: Maybe there is a reason it didn’t arrive. Maybe it is not important for it to arrive. Maybe it was just important for me to forgive and apologise in my heart. And perhaps that person would have thought anyways that this letter is merely an act of “manipulation”.
Yes, I was able to forgive and apologize genuinely. And by know I understand from a deeper level inside that forgiving and peace are the highest forms of love.
So I guess my detox is over.
So today spring has started. I drew three cards. For last year: “Breakthrough”, for the new year: “The Rebel” and as inspiration: “Awareness”.
Although I always question the validity of the cards, this time they couldn’t have been more suiting.
I believe I’m ready for a new cycle, a new spring.
Happy Noruz 🙂
vox