Winter 2021

The last three months were intense in many ways. I worked a lot, I meditated a lot and I processed a lot.

I kinda enjoyed the lockdown as it helped me to focus on my work and myself.

I processed a lot of stuff. I’m now in the fourth month of my detox and along the way I had quite some epiphanies and farewelled a lot of things that were toxic in my life… beliefs, patterns and people.

I worked with a clinical psychologist to check out my mental state and if I possibly have a personality disorder as someone indirectly accused me of having a serious one. I mean, most people who have serious issues believe they don’t have them, so I wondered if I might have a blind spot there.

I worked with the psychologist – especially looking at the disorders of narcissism and borderline – and fully opened up to her and told her about my potentially negative behaviours. And we also talked a lot about the topics of manipulation and lying.

Her conclusion was: “You are neither narcissistic nor borderline, yet you show clear symptoms of narcissistic abuse!”

She would continue to say that “victims” of narcissistic abuse usually question their sanity and believe they are the ones who are the predators and that this was one of the signs.

I read up quite some stuff on this topic and it was relieving for me to read what other people experiencing this type of abuse had experienced. And looking back, really the people I got rid off in the last three months were all either narcissistic or had, at least, some narcissistic traits.

As we also looked into the topics of lying and manipulation she told me that both are kinda overrated in society. Everyone does a fair bit of both and they are part of everybody’s life (a person lies more than 100 times a day) and although not honourable it is normal although avoidable. However, she said the only exception where lying acceptable is, when someone is in a self-defence situation where you have to deal with someone you cannot collaborate and/or or in a position of overwhelming power.

Thant’s a very interesting thought.

I mean, obviously I cannot claim I lie less then everybody. But when it comes to the big lies? I know so many people who lie to have a competitive advantage, to gain some money, power, influence. But yes, when I consciously lie, I do so usually to protect myself or someone I love, in situations, I do not have (or see) another option. So many people I know who lie or manipulate simply for egoistic reasons.

So this process was quite enlightening for me.

Also I was finally able to forgive a person who did unjust to me and where I could never have imagined just three months ago that I would ever be able to forgive. But you know what: When you do the inner work I do for every day over the last 5 months (including, meditation, yoga, breathwork, qi gong, workout, reading, gratitude rituals, forgiveness rituals,…), things change on a deeper level. And I do all that stuff every day… there is a reason why my morning routine lasts for about 3 hours in the meantime 😉

So finally, last week I was able to forgive the person I thought I would never be able to forgive. And it’s funny, I send that person a long letter to apologise for my side – for my sh!t. However, postal tracking shows that it never arrived. However, at the post office they told me that it might not have been properly tracked.

I wonder what that stands for symbolically. For a moment I wondered if I should rewrite the letter and send it again. But then I though: Maybe there is a reason it didn’t arrive. Maybe it is not important for it to arrive. Maybe it was just important for me to forgive and apologise in my heart. And perhaps that person would have thought anyways that this letter is merely an act of “manipulation”.

Yes, I was able to forgive and apologize genuinely. And by know I understand from a deeper level inside that forgiving and peace are the highest forms of love.

So I guess my detox is over.

So today spring has started. I drew three cards. For last year: “Breakthrough”, for the new year: “The Rebel” and as inspiration: “Awareness”.

Although I always question the validity of the cards, this time they couldn’t have been more suiting.

I believe I’m ready for a new cycle, a new spring.

Happy Noruz 🙂


The Institution

I was never particularly interested in the British Royal Family and never followed what was going on on the inside, yet yesterday I took the time to watch the Ophra interview with Prince Harry and Meghan.

The fact that a member of the royal family had a concern about the skin color of Archie made me curious – a type of unconscious racism that I experienced myself multiple times during my lifetime. I had quite a few girlfriends who’s parents expressed their concern about them potentially having a child with me due to my ethnicity.

I watched the interview very vigilantly and although I know that we got only presented one side of the story (and I am, nonetheless, pretty sure that this was merely an excerpt of Harry’s and Meghan’s truth). I believe that their perception is indeed their truth.

“Institution” is defined as: A “stable, valued, recurring patterns of behavior” or “integrated systems of rules that structures social interactions”. So in my terminology I would call it a manifestation of certain values, paradigms and behaviours/interactions – which naturally unconsciously breeds unconscious bias in itself.

So really, I am not surprised by what the couple unveiled during their interview. When we look at Britain’s role in the history of the world in the last few centuries and on what foundations it was built upon – especially colonialism – it is obvious that some type of unconscious bias and racism is part of that institution.

Unconscious racism is something that is merely understood by the ones who are not directly affected – “the privileged”. There are so many aspects to racism that are not obvious that the ones who are part of a system – part of an “institution” – actually cannot grasp it until they get directly affected through a close friend or partner – and often even then they downplay it as it is an inconvenient and painful truth.

And they are not to blame. If you grow up with a set of beliefs and values which are your “normal” how should you be able to challenge your own beliefs. The problem is, when you don’t know that you don’t know what you don’t know, you cannot challenge it. It is out of your conception. It is literally a blind spot. And it is part of your everyday reality.

It’s kinda like telling a fish that it lives in water. It only knows water. It’s its only reality and anything else then water is somehow inconceivable for it. And it would never question it. Questioning it would be kinda crazy.

So usually the people putting the focus and attention at those truths or blind spots are called out for being crazy or victimising themselves.

“Meghan is playing the race-card!”

Is she?

Or is she not merely mirroring an inconvenient truth?

What about the obvious double standards the media had when praising Kate for doing exactly the same things (e.g. eating avocados) while attacking Meghan for it (this was an example in the interview).

So your first reaction will perhaps be now: “Avocados?! WTF? Who cares about avocados?” This is exaggerated and she seems to be too sensitive.

Is she?

Isn’t it exactly these seemingly ridiculous occurrences that show so much truth? And this is merely one that can be easily proven, as it is documented by the media. So many other such seemingly small occurrences aren’t.

And it is funny that I wrote about family dynamics in my last entry before the interview: Harry spoke about “History is repeating itself.” Of course it is. First of all, Harry needed to understand WHY had happened to his mother – subconsciously choosing the “right” partner for that. And by choosing Meghan and leaving he chose to overcome and heal that “destiny”. And also, of course history is repeating itself, because the Royals never really made up with what had happened to/with Diana and why. So it had to repeat itself. That’s the natural cycle of what happens within families (sometimes even over many generations) when things don’t get solved or healed.

When Harry said that his father and brother are trapped in a cage that they cannot perceive it from the inside, I perfectly understood what he was talking about. I know so many people – including me – who are trapped in their thought patterns, their unconscious dogmas and paradigms – their “mental institutions” – usually the ones they have taken over from their family and society. And that’s the reason why most people are actually trapped and not “free”.

These paradigms are so tricky because we don’t know that we don’t know what we don’t know and therefore never question it.

I wish for Harry that his issues with his family will eventually get solved. But my personal experience shows me that his cards are not the best. In the past, I have tried to show to people very dear to me the mental traps that confine them and I hardly ever was successful and usually paid a very high price for it.

It is easier to maintain the status quo than challenge a well established and seemingly security-giving “institution”. In the process you usually find something valid to prove that those people who speak out these inconvenient truths – showing you your cage – are generally crazy so you eventually have an excuse to get rid of them.

Yes, also in this respect history is repeating itself. Throughout human history usually the people who would speak the truth would get stigmatised or killed. That’s one of the reasons why Sufis for example wrote poems, where you can only find the truth in-between the lines.

And as one of my deeply experienced friends on the path of truth once said:

Even most people who believe they are “awakened” are merely people who just had a spiritual opening and then return to their golden cage to find a comfortable spot within.