Not Enough?

I remember, when I changed my path in 2010 from healing work back into business consulting – to be able to “provide for me and my wife” – it was my choice but I told myself that it was necessary for me to do so. I had my “good reasons” – as we always do when we need to fool ourselves into doing something that is not ideal or even wrong.

And then, whatever I did, it always seemed not to be enough.

Not for my wife, neither for me, nor for my clients…

I always told myself “they” were wrong, although I knew better.

This was something that I “re-created” in my 30ies because it was a trauma that I grew up with – never being good enough, whatever I did…

We usually create situations in life to understand, learn from them and outgrow our traumas.

And what I truly learned from that experience is: When you are on the “wrong path” “it” will always not be enough, simply because it cannot be, since you need to change the path.

You can avoid it, bring “logical” reasons why, “overwrite” it.

Still, it will never be enough.

That’s why I changed back to the path I that is really mine, yet with a lot of valuable experiences from the path I rerouted to in 2010.

Today, when I farewelled my daughter for the next few weeks or months she started to ignore me and to have this look in her eyes – the way she always looks when she is pissed off with me. So I asked her “Are you angry with me?” and she clearly nodded. Her mum would tell me, that she is just tired, overwriting – as usual – the signs that our daughter want’s to spend considerably more time with me.

I can relate to her: She really tries hard to do everything she can to be the best mum she can be. It is exhaustive and still not enough. When it comes to “how much our daughter can see me” she is perhaps only calming her guilty consciousness with the (which I consider) homeopathic doses of contact time.

And of course she cannot really see it… it took me more than eight years to be able to see it, although so many friends kept telling me… although, deep inside I always knew the truth but didn’t know how to deal with it.

When you are on the wrong path, it will always not be enough and at some stage you become desperate, because you don’t know what else to do.

I might be wrong of course… the future will tell…