Dying to the Past – Being Reborn to the Future

The Lybiam See

Last year in July when I attended a “healing day” by my spiritual teacher she suddenly made a family constallation with the whole group for me.

Only her and me knew the topic. No-one else in the room knew what it was. And this is when constallation work always get’s spooky and is at it’s best: It was striking how accurate the representatives mirrowed the wohle situation without knowing anything about the story and who they represented.

Throughout the work my child would cry desperately for me – 45 Minutes non-stop – and the people she lives with didn’t understand why. And there was nothing I could do to get any closer. There was like a giant wall.

When the work ended, everyone in the room cried (including my spiritual teacher)… execpt for me.

The conclusion was, that i need to let go of my child.

What does it mean to let go of your child? I mean, how do you possibly let go of your child?!

So I went to Greece.

There is some situations in life that you cannot fix.

And still for the last 2 1/2 years I tried to fix a situation.

People usually say they would do anything for their child.

What does this actually mean: Anything?!

Would you do anything for your child?

Of course you would!

And I did.

And when I did, I did cross some boudaries.

What I did, was not out of greed. It was out of desperation… and – foremost – out of love. Love for the ones I cared most about and wanted to protect: The mother of my child and my child.

But I was too arrogant all along the way. And I am sincerely sorry for my mistakes and that I have disappointed the mother of my child.

There is these mistakes in life that you cannot fix!

Last week I was travelling with a healer. He said: “This situation with your child is eating you up alive… you need to let go of her… I don’t know how, but you need to let go of your child!”

The same advice, again!

In my meditation after that conversation, I realised that I still subconsciously had the hope, that we will one day be a happy family again.

I was quite shocked by that insight as it is obvious to me that too much glass has been shattered to work out.

I loved my family… very much! The first six months after my child’s birth were the six most beautiful months of my life! And although the relationship to the mother of my child was very challenging for me, still I loved her and our family.

And although rationally I was aware that there is no going back for me I wasn’t aware I still had this unconscious hope.

So, I decided to do a pilgrimage to the chapel on the other side of Chrysi Island were I stayed the last couple of days, reaptedly telling myself like a mantra: “I let go of the hope that we will be a happy family again one day.”

While repeating this mantra, I bursted out in tears. It was the first time I was able to cry since the separation. Now I realise since I didn’t cry before I wasn’t able to let go.

When I arrived at the chapel I started a ceremony by ringing the bell, symbolically talked to my family and then burried a beautiful stone representing my hope to be a happy family again and finished the ceremony by ringing the bell again.

When I went back from the ceremony I faced the sea to finish the ritual for initiating a new chapter.

In the old days getting baptised wasn’t just a symbolic ritual with some water put on the head. Babies were actually held under water for a long time to see if they are “worthy” of surviving.

So I faced the deep see and swam far out into the open see – much further than I have ever done before – to talk to the gods.

So, this time, the gods didn’t take me with them. Instead I was baptised by the sea.