Family “Dynamics”

Today eleven years ago I got married. It was a very special day for me and perhaps one of the most beautiful days of my life.

It was magical how things had fallen into line the last days before our wedding day. We only had two weeks to prepare it and up to three days earlier, we didn’t have rings, the bride didn’t have a wedding dress and there was no high-speed internet for my parents – who couldn’t come because of travel restrictions – to be able to attend via Skype (in 2010 in Iran high-speed internet just had started to take off and just worked through some private suppliers).

But suddenly within the last three days we coincidentally found someone who had exactly the rings we were looking for, then coincidentally found a tailor through a magazine ad in a taxi who had one ready tailored wedding dress left in the brides size and, finally, someone rang at the brides family home – were we would marry – to ask if they needed high-speed internet.

Everyone who had attended our wedding loved the vibe of the event. And it seemed like everything was set for the perfect life together.

But when my – then – wife came to Vienna in 2010 I subconsciously restaged my parent’s relationship.

In my last entry I talked about not being ready to become part of someone else’s family trauma. And then I realized that I have done this myself as well, although I have done so many years of self-explorational work and even facilitate family constallations, once I got married I was in a kind of trance.

And the term “trance” quite pinpoints that experience. I always kinda understood mentally what was going on but still couldn’t help it. It was like a trance and I was repeating those patterns that I had experienced from my parents marriage.

We humans have the tendency to restage our family trauma over and over again until we heal even if we are kinda conscious about it.

For some it is a toxic relationship, for others it is an unfaithful partner. For some it is a divorce, for others it is a family member being chased away. For some it is leaving the family and for others it is being left. And sometimes it is even the opposite role we take, so we can understand the parent better, who had “done it to me/us”.

It is recurring patterns in a family that often are passed on for generations in a family’s history until someone comes along and solves it… and heals it.

But merely by repeating it, we do not heal it. Just if we start to understand that pain, that trauma that is being repeated, we can start to understand… start to forgive the ones we got traumatised by…

So usually, we will pass it on to our partner or children the trauma that we have experienced.

But most people are not even aware. And even for some – like me – who were half-aware, that “trance” is so strong that although you can see it, you often cannot do anything about it.

However, today I can see how badly – but unconsciously – I had “abused” my ex-wife to heal my family dynamics… my family trauma. If I had become fully aware and conscious about it earlier, I could have done some conscious healing work to solve it. I was always aware but not fully aware.

I really am sorry that I did drag that special person into this unhealthy dynamic.