Author: vox

Vienna

The last four weeks were so intense, I’m just starting to integrate now.

When I arrived at OZORA Festival on Monday evening, I had a bad welcome and start already at the gate.

After that magical Boom experience, I felt like was in the wrong film. Through filters, I only saw drunk Berlin hipsters who joined as tourists at one of the best “parties” in the world.

When I woke up in the morning, I decided to drive to Heviz to chill at the hot springs and give OZORA another try after.

I returned on Wednesday evening. Immediately met some friends, including my best friend Nora, and had a much better start.

It was supposed to rain hard from Friday on, so I decided to just stay and have a last sun-dance with Astrix on Friday noon and the call it a psytrance summer.

When Astrix played, I went in, dancing “The Dance”. It was nice, yet, not the dance I’m used to, dancing and talking to the gods.

Afterwards, I chilled in a hammock near the main stage for about 1 1/2 hours while Darwish had his set on, being convinced I would leave soon.

When E-Clip started, the vibe dragged me to the main stage again. I thought I’d have another short dance.

What happened then was unprecedented…

Basically, I wouldn’t stop dancing for the next 60 hours.

People keep asking me which festival is better, OZORA or Boom.

I used to say: You can’t compare… both have a different character…

But after this summer, I say:

Boom is perhaps the “better” festival overall, but OZORA Main stage… it’s another dimension…

My step counter shows that after two weeks of dancing at two festivals, in my final 62 hours I danced the equivalent of more than two marathons (about 90 km) over the last three days with about 12 hours of sleep during that stint… me somebody who cannot even run a five-kilometer run in one go…

The way this endurance was possible was simply that I allowed my body to hyperventilate throughout my dance and instead of 800 ml of water, I actually had an extra 2 liter water pack in my backpack.

What had happened was indescribable. I celebrated life – all the gifts and blessings I receive through life – through this dance. I talked to the gods as I do in Delphi, and the gods talked to and danced with me. Every time I was about to quit, they whispered another epiphany about the beauty of my life into my ears, so I couldn’t stop dancing. I danced out of appreciation… out of joy…

I had so many deep epiphanies, about my union at Boom, the gratitude I feel for the mother and grandmother of my child, contacting Stanislav Grof before he passes away to get his blessing of how I would like to use his work in my way and much, much more…

The energy I seem to be radiating since Boom is crazy… I connected to so many beautiful souls and made beautiful friendships. People would come up to me – many of them recognizing me from the ceremony at Boom – wanting hugs and my blessings. Some of them started crying when I hugged them, some of them bowed down to me out of gratitude.

I bow down to all of them…

We humans are all flawed but so beautiful…

And I was grateful to them as they reflected to me, that I finally seem to have arrived…

I am…

Ahasveros

I tell the medicine man about my BIII experience and how deep it went and how much had changed since.

The other BIII shaman said I was a powerful activator and that I carried a lot of deep shit of other people inside of me and that I was able to release in the ceremony. I asked him what an activator is, believing he referenced Human Design “One that helps other to freedom!” he said and adds “Like Morpheus”

I told my Kambo shaman that something has changed inside of me. I have the clarity that I would like to go much deeper on the medicine path.

And then we did Kambo.

“This time was very deep!” he said “The medicine goes deep in you. You are ready to be initiated into Kambo in September if you like. It is three Kambo sessions in two hours.”

“It would be an honor!” I reply.

“And if you want, I will take you with a handful of people to Peru next spring and let you be initiated at the source by a powerful medicine man.” he responds.

“If the medicine chooses me, I’m ready!”

Ahasveros

Pörtschach am Wöthersee

Three years ago, I published my perhaps second most defining blog entry – Seeker of Truth

It‘s funny, just last week someone told me in the Mayan calendar I am a „White Wizard“ – who is also defined as a seeker of truth… as are the Sufis.

In this entry, I didn‘t solely define my identity further – after the entry Persian Identity – but it was also my first entry I had written in months, and it was also a response to the separation from the mother of my child.

Also, coincidently, I watched “The Last Dance” for the first time during my flight to Vienna and my train trip to Carinthia exactly three years later again.

Yesterday, after three years, for the first time, I had the opportunity to hold my daughter for more then merely a few moments in my arms. She slept in my arms listening to children’s stories. That‘s the one thing I‘ve been seeking for since March 11th 2020… holding my daughter in my arms, letting her feel my heartbeat and love for her, and me feeling hers.

Yesterday, was the first time this was possible, and I am deeply grateful her mother allowed it 🙏

Ahasveros

Ibiza

Every month I come back to Austria for two days to visit my daughter.

It is a tiring journey as I leave Lagos at 8 am and arrive at my home in Vienna usually after seven hours or more when I don’t find a direct flight or if there is a two hour delay like the last time.

The next day I take the 10 am train and travel for about 4 1/2 to five hours (door-to-door) to get to Corinthia.

Usually, I spend three to five hours on that afternoon with my daughter, then go to rest (or have a sauna).

The day after I see my daughter again at 9 am for two to three hours before I take the train back to Vienna, usually arriving some time between 4 pm and 8 pm at my Vienna home, depending on the timing.

The next morning I usually take the 7 am flight back to Faro (which means I leave my home about 5:15 am) and arrive back to my home in Lagos around seven hours later.

This time I didn’t find an affordable flight back to Faro, so I’m not flying direct and not to Faro but Malaga, which eventually makes my trip back about 22 hours long.

It’s tiring and stressful. Last time my immune system got so weak in the process, that I was ill for more than a week.

And it’s expensive. Including flights, trains, hotel, food and presents each of these journies makes up about a quarter of my monthly living expenses.

So it’s at least a 75 hour journey with two flights and two train rides of at least 4 1/2 hours, about 6.000 km and takes more than 10% of a months time out of my life to see my daughter for five to eight hours in neither a private nor intimate setting.

Is it worth it?

Of course! She is my daughter! And by that, I don’t only mean my blood… all my aunts as well as my parents say, she has the same look in her eyes and the same charisma like me – when I was a child… dominant, charismatic, intense.

Apart from that, I’ve seen so many women (and in the Algarve even more) that have many issues and struggle after many years and even decades because their fathers were physically or emotionally absent. And I want to make sure that my daughter knows I really love her more than anything.

Recently, she started to express her wishes that I bring her to bed, that I come to her place to play with her in her space – her world – as we usually only meet in public without any privacy or intimacy, and she also stated multiple times that she wants to come to Portugal.

For her mother, it is not yet possible. I’m not sure why but have some wild bets 😉

I am certain, even if her mother is too caught up in her mental models to ever acknowledge, our daughter will one day see the effort daddy made to be part of her life and make her own conclusions about if mummy’s restrictions were justified.

But maybe I am just delusional. Maybe my daughter doesn’t deserve to be with her dad in a private and intimate setting ✌🏽

Ahasveros

Up in the sky

The other day, I danced with the moon again for the first time in a long time. When we returned to Cristaland at two in the morning, long term resident Aaron hugged me and said:

“You know, I never heard anyone here saying anything negative about you. You know everyone around here loves you!”

I was deeply touched…

Cristaland is a very special place. Different from most other communities, it has hardly any rules other than being alcohol and substance free and dogs are not allowed (with some exceptions). It is something in between a community and a camping space for travellers with a conscious mindset. It is so beautiful that you have a core team and than there is also always interesting new people coming and going all the time. Some farewells are hard because this is a space of love and connection and some people you start to love deeply.

The trees in Cristaland are very special living between them is deeply healing.

One guy who lives here now for a couple of months. He is around 30 and amongst other things was diagnosed manic depression. Since he is in Cristaland he is symptom free for the first time in his life.

Or our cook here, she is deeply spiritually connected. Whenever I talk to her, I get a answers of a Satsang teacher, not a normal human being. It is always a pleasure to talk to her. I hope her future husband will not come around any time soon (her plan is to stay in Cristaland until he passes by and picks her up) and I am happy that her suicide attempt (by holding her breath as long as she could) didn’t work 😉

And there is many people here with interesting biographies and various issues (however, people with serious mental issues cannot stay). The beauty here is that nobody needs to hide them here. You don‘t to wear masks here.

The other day we sat at the fire. Akut – the owner of Cristaland – proposed that everyone sitting in the circle says something he likes about every person in the circle. When everyone started to give me feedback, eventually it was Aaron‘s turn.

“Where shall I start?” he said and then started to say many beautiful things but eventually he said some things I was kinda surprised about “… you are so light and humorous and make people laugh and feel good all the time!”

I was stunned… “light and humorous”… my best friends in Vienna would describe some good things about me but definitely not “light and humorous”!

It is true, I am really teasing and joking a lot and people here enjoy my presence. Sometimes people here start to gather around me to listen to what I have to say, talking like a wise fool, joking around but sharing wisdom with the jokes and teasing.

So now some people here start calling me Bab’Ahash… well actually it sounds like Baba’Hash 🤣

The last time I consulted my psychic supervisor in September she told me that I will be the metaphysical leader of a community but that I don’t want to accept that role… yet.

In fact, I came to Cristaland to be a resident. After being here for three weeks I’ve been asked to become the vice-president of the association that is running Cristaland. And now some people here call me the spiritual leader of the community, although I show them every day, how deeply human and flawed I am.

I never asked for any of that, yet, finally, I am living a life where I’m dancing every day, am light and humorous 😉

Ahasveros

Elvas

Last weekend, I did another grandfather ceremony with the people that I by now consider to be my shamanistic family.

After two cups of medicine, sitting at the sacret fire, under a remarkable star sky, we were asked to share our experience this far.

I became the third person to talk.

“Sacred fire, wow, it’s so beautiful to sit here with all of these beautiful people. I came here 11 months ago, to this beautiful land, and I’ve been in healing work for more than 25 years now, but since I arrived my healing and psychospiritual development skyrocketed. All the synchronicities that are happening ever since, wow, it’s unbelievable, like magic.

I’m really truly grateful to Phara and Yves and the people of TOTE. To me, it seems like with every ceremony, I enter the next level of healing and consciousness.

So, each month I go back to Vienna for a weekend to see my daughter and tune into that Babylon-frequency of the West. And actually, I start to enjoy it tuning into this frequency for a few hours because it lets me enjoy how healthy it is for me here in South Portugal.

And as I have experienced so much extreme racism in my life and in Austria again the last time I went there. But now that Austria is not my home any longer, I no longer identify with it. My home is here now. I love it. It is like a paradise here. And I am now entering the next stage of my life.

And as for my name, my Persian name is Khashayar but nobody could pronounce it back in Austria, or didn‘t care to pronounce it, so when I went to highschool I used my Greek name Xerxes as my name but at Boom festival it was revealed to me that the name for this stage of my life is supposed to be my Hebrew name, Ahasveros and there I had my water-baptism in the lake of Boom and here I ask for the fire baptism by the sacred fire.”

I threw the flowers into the fire and the fire confirmed my request.

“But as Ahasveros is hard to spell like my other names, I decided people to call me Ahash.”

The next day, I came to my sister’s land to meet her and our family for Noruz. We have such a beautiful time here and only my daughter and her mother are missing for our celebrations. But in the ceremony, it was revealed to me that my daughter will come to live with or near me here in Portugal.

What a year comes to an end. I moved to Portugal. Along the way I found the Ring that I have been looking for 20 years. It’s smith told me that it’s stone would change my life… and it and these ceremonies with TOTE did.

I’ve lived in different communities, first in Essencia and then with the Persians but eventually I realized, it’s not the time anymore to serve other people‘s interests but follow my own path and vision with which I will serve so much more people. And yesterday the owner of the land of Cristaland proposed to me to become the leader of the community.

And also, Boom Festival invited me to perform twice on their healing stages. For those who don’t know what that is or means… in my previous life it’s comparable to having a speach at TED… not TEDx 😉

So, yeah, my life last year was Rock’n’Roll. Since I left Austria eleven months ago for an exploration tour to Portugal, after 43 years I finally decided to leave Austria for good and move to a new country, changed my career back to what it was when I originally started this blog 17 years ago and have a new name.

Ahasveros

Cristaland

Three years ago on this day, when I arrived in Vienna, I heard the news that Covid was declared a pandemic.

For many people, this day has eventually become a defining moment of their life.

Certainly, it has for me and my daughter.

Coincidently, just a few hours before the pandemic was declared, I had left her grandmother’s home in Corinthia eventually leading to the separation from my child’s mother. Originally, she wanted to stay there for the moment – the first lockdown. For the moment became forever.

My daughter is certainly not the first neither will be the last one to grow up without her father.

It is what it is. It took me almost 2 1/2 years to get over it. And still, there will always be a certain pain that I cannot spend these beautiful, magical years with my daughter.

I love her so much. Every morning I get up and drive for 15 minutes to a special spot, where I can see the sunrise over the Atlantic ocean and dance with it because of the love for my daughter, my Sun…

And every month I make a 3 1/2 day pilgrimmage from the Algarve to Corinthia to see her for a couple of hours. I can already see how one day this will fuck up her expectations she has in men 😉

And her mother wants to be there, every single time. She thinks I don’t realise that she loves to see how much our daughter loves me the same way it touches me to see how much our daughter loves her.

And this is something so beautiful and intimate, that only the three of us can share.

And although, we still didn’t find a way to talk directly, there is so much love between the three of us when we are together.

You know, there is a special love, that only a father knows. It is the love that a father has for the mothers of his children. It is nothing like romantic love. It is the love for the person who enabled that unique gift of life and who nurishes that gift to grow to become that beautiful human.

In this respect, I will always love the mother of my child. And I love the moments we share together as a family and when we laugh together when our daughter says or does something sweet.

And I know that deep inside she loves me too. That’s why she hates me and is so shit scared to talk to me 😉

Three years…

vox

Vienna Airport

The other day an aquaintance of mine send me a message asking me if she should reinvent her life.

I simply responded “Yes, life is too short to continue living it like before.”

It took her another few days to tell me what’s going on in her life.

I shared my experience about people at their turning point in life and how I went through my metamorphosis living a life now where I don’t compromise my truth

Eventually she asked me:

“Are you now more content and happy and at peace with yourself and your truth?”

So, I told her my reality:

„My life has been rock ‘n’ roll since 2018… and it’s not always easy. But I live in alignment with my truth and my self. Sometimes that comes at a high price – including not being able to see my daughter grow up as much as my ego would want to – but I wouldn’t trade my life now for my life before 2018 or 2020 for anything. Now I dance with the sunrise and sunset almost every day, glancing at the ocean. And every time I go to Pörtschach to visit my daughter, in the evening after the sauna when I step into the narrow-minded Wörthersee, my heart laughs because I have a daughter and still don’t have to live in an environment where I can’t be myself. Back at home in Portugal I dance every day and step into the infinite ocean 🙏🏽☺️✌🏽“

vox

Mijas, Spain

I encountered the warrior medicine once again. And once again it was offered to me at the right moment in time.

This time it was applicated directly on my heart chakra. “When we made the appointment, I had the feeling we should go on the heart. It is very powerful. It’s for the warriors of the heart.” he smiles, “It is very intense, most likely you will faint. Are you ready?”

To be honest, for the first time in a long time I was a bit worried… I’m neither the youngest, nor the healthiest and while the curandero prepares nine dots of the frog poison to put on the heart I’m like, “Yeah, whatever, I know the soul is infinite!” 😉

And then I start to feel the poison in the body and as usual, there is this wtf moment “Why the fuck am I actually doing this?!”

And this time, I am reeeally struggling. It kinda feels like the first few times. The purge doesn’t want to come… eventually everything turns black and I pass out for the first time with Kambo. I regain consciousness and just feel a bit better… a bit.

“Use the finger!”

I purge, but not a lot…

But suddenly it is over. However long I put the finger deep down my throught no more purge comes. It seems premature. I kinda feel like I held back or resisted… like I failed…

After leaving the house I just drive a kilometer down the road, not really knowing where I am. I park next to the sea with a nice view… and fall asleep. About an hour later I wake up and urgently have to take a shit. Like, I’m gonna shit my pants any moment. I start the car to find the next best place to take one.

It’s funny how life sometimes takes us to places to give us a sign: The next best place is the posh fish restaurant I was once invited to celebrate a birthday with friends – the ones I needed to leave behind me because I couldn’t bear processing their shit any longer. And there I go… I have one of the most relieving shits of my life. In Chinese medicine the large intestine represents the ability of letting go…

The Kambo session found it’s end…

Life is so beautiful… really… I am so grateful to be able to learn so deeply from the shit I encounter. Looking at my own shit but also from processing other people’s shit ✌🏽

I learn who I used to be, I learn who I am and I learn what my soul tells me who I am supposed to be.

vox