Friday two weeks ago I had one of the most beautiful days of my life. I am really grateful for the people who were present and especially thankful to the one who allowed that day to take place and be so special.

It felt like the war I had experienced inside finally came to an end.

And then a few days later a real war on the outside started. And as for many, it was really hard for me to accept.

War is always wrong, yet often we do not choose to go to war. Sometimes it seems to be inevitable from one side or both. Sometimes we feel like we have to react, even if one or both of sides do not necessarily want it, yet, they do not see another solution. Sometimes there is a misunderstanding and sometimes it’s not but just a very different perspectives of reality where both sides believe they need to defend themselves and what is precious to them.

The binary concept of good and bad, right and wrong is just an illusion.

There is only different perceptions, perspectives, believes and interests that eventually lead to certain actions.

That doesn’t mean, there’s no boundery of what is okay and what is not.

I’m just saying that the concepts that most people believe in is that in every story there’s a good person and there is the bad person. Yet, that the storyline is ever that obvious is just an illusion (The famous Tao sign of yin yang also symbolises what I am talking about). However, there are misguided people. And one of them is threatening the world at the moment.

I have been misguided myself multiple times in my life and made mistakes beyond repair. And I have to live with the consequences. This is also one way to understand karma.

The only thing I can say today is that when I am in a position of power I need to be very careful with that power. I need to be humble and self-aware. What personally helps me is that I try to be true to myself and get an outside perspective of people who have a truly pure heart and no vested interest. And this is sometimes really hard to find. I experienced again and again that there are even people are very close to me that want to kinda control who I am, somehow seek for my dependency, or are simply jealous of my good fortune. The problem with counsellors and consultants often is that they often also have a vested interest (influence or profit).

That’s why I’m happy that I learned how to use the ability to connect to the source and have a different understanding. Yet, also my ego has a vested interest 🤣 And often it is hard to tell if you’re connected to the source or the ego 😉

Yet, deep inside you always know what is true or to do.

Anyway, it is very sad to see when peoples and individuals get to the point where there is no return. They used to be brothers or lovers or even family.

And at some stage it get’s to the point:

We also used to be friends and more than anything, I truely miss our friendship.

Peace

vox

My last entry inspired me to rethink the way I want to communicate my project INIXIATE.

Thanks to that entry I decided to communicate my reality authentically like in this blog and not try to adapt my messaging to the common influencer style or the superficial showbiz style that was expected from me during my stint as an “agency-speaker”.

The people who share my reality will follow me… I guess 😉 And if nobody follows me then I might just be on the wrong path.

I really believe that. I never compromised my truth – what I did, though, was that I wasn’t true to myself for quite some time and had lost myself.

It is easy to break open the door. Yet, it is not easy to leave the cage for good once the door is open.

I was out there a couple of times, only to return into the cage… to the supposed safety, the comfort zone, however you wanna call it.

We humans tend to prefer going back to a toxic environment – friends, (ex)partners, parents, workplaces or cultures, cities, etc. – rather than staying out of the cage (and toxic doesn’t mean something or someone is toxic as such, it/they just need to be toxic for you personally).

We justify going back with “good reasons” that our ego tricks us to have. The ego will always easily find good reasons to justify your actions. Often, as it is much easier to cope with – i.e. more “comfortable”, more “secure” – then facing the unknown out there or the truth on the other side of the cage door.

For me, now is the time to be true to myself. Writing this, I realize perhaps it is time for me to leave. Vienna has. always been toxic for me personally. And staying in a toxic environment for someone I love but can merely see for 36 hours per year is not a reason to stay… it’s an excuse.

And then, a story comes to my mind: A crazy man once told me: Your destiny is not to serve yourself or individuals. Your destiny is to serve on a much bigger scale.

That was 15 years ago. My reaction to it was to get back into my cage, fooling myself, pretending I’m on the path. In reality I’ve served the stories and narratives of people I loved to the extend, that I often lost myself along the way.

And shit… it is scary thinking of leaving Vienna for good… I just wanna have a normal, peaceful and relaxed life for myself 😉 And these days when I wake up in the morning I feel paralized. Leaving into the unknown is not the easiest of tasks.

Yet, the cage door is wide open… the choice is mine… and mine alone…

vox

It’s funny how sometimes we create stories in our heads that then come to life inside and we start to believe them.

Sometimes it’s stories that comfort us and other at times it’s stories that discomfort us.

But usually it’s stories that serve our narrative and align with our confirmation bias.

Actually, I wanted to write about something else just now. But when I opened my text editor to write an entry, I coincidentally got to read a message I wrote three years ago. It was written for a person who had projected all different types of stories onto me and acted in alignment to that stories – not reality.

I sometimes wonder how one can break through this cycle of constructed reality and confirmation bias.

I truly believe there is not many ways to do it. One can be altered states of consciousness as e.g. with holotropic breathwork. Another is to change your usual environment for a prolonged period of time or – even better – traveling – expanding our consciousness either through inside or outside changes of perspectives. And then, personally, I like to provoke people. Not for the sake of annoying them but because provocation is an effective way to inspire new perspectives.

So sometimes when one of these conditions is met, we wake up and we start to realize that all that time, we were just kinda hypnotized.

It is never too late to admit to ourselves that we were wrong or hypnotized. It just gets so much harder the longer we hold on to a flawed narrative. And that’s where we subconsciously build our own invisible prison that some consider to be hell and others to be paradise – yet, it’s just a prison… and the key is in your hand.

I wonder in which prison I’m in right now.

vox

Last Winter Solstice I apologized to the mother of my child for my wrongdoings through a voice message as she never gave me the chance to look her into her eyes and doing it in person.

But what value does an apology have when the other does not know or see that it is sincere?

Yesterday, after 21 months for the first time I had to chance to do it in person. I seized the moment and made a reference with which I made a clear confession, then I apologized and asked for forgiveness.

Is this the turning point?

As I said in the past. I believe it usually takes a pregnancy-cycle for a seed that is planted to evolve into a child 😉

So let’s see what happens by autumn 2022.

Happy winter solstice, Yalda and beginning of winter everyone.

My winter solstice trance ritual: Trance Ritual on Soundcloud

Ya hagh

vox

Vienna

Thursday I saw my daughter for the first time in nine months.

I didn’t expect her to recognize me as I never had the feeling that she knew who I was since the separation from her mother. Since I had already gone through this unimaginable pain of not being recognized by my own child 1 1/2 years ago, I coped quite well with this circumstance – I mean, as well as one can ever cope with it who loved his child.

So she reacted the way she always does when she sees me…. somehow indifferent. I stood in front of her all the time and although she faced me, she always just looked past me and never looked me into the eyes, no matter what I was trying to do. And she didn’t speak anything either, although she can already speak (which she couldn’t yet the last time I saw her).

After about 20 minutes I asked her mother – while looking at my child – if she doesn’t speak. Her mother said that she is open but might be a bit shy right now. Then I replied that she doesn’t even look into my eyes.

That instant, my girl would look into my eyes for a short moment and looked away again. I realized that she understood everything but just didn’t want to look me into my eyes.

I instantly remembered the first time she looked me into my eyes after not having seen me in four month last year in October. She was kinda stunned the moment her eyes hit mine.

And then I remembered the first time I had the impression she consciously saw me. It was January 25th at around six o’clock in the morning. I had just returned from a goa-dance ritual. She was merely five months old and when I layed down next to her, she woke up and looked deeply into my eyes and smiled and continued looking. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

So after looking into my eyes for a short moment she would continue looking past me and not talking and we would go to different stations at the playground.

About ten minutes before I had to leave she suddenly called me Papa – for the first time in my life. I was stunned. I didn’t expect her to know who I am. I cannot describe how it felt.

And then, for the last minutes she would run around happily, as if she was happy that she is finally reunited with her dad.

Back in Vienna, I spoke with a pedagogue about these things. She said that my daughter was probably angry with me for not being in her life and that it was perhaps an act of defiance – especially the way she acted in the end.

My time will come… and when it does, perhaps there will be a lot of anger against me. But I can take this anger as she is my daughter. And when our time has come, she will see and feel how much I truly love her.

vox

Pörtschach

… I was the enemy…

…although I had loved and wanted to protect both of them…

vox

In various spiritual traditions and psychology forty days has an important meaning.

When we fall in love we have to wait forty days to be sure of our feelings.

In mystical thought, the number 40 represents the elevation to a higher level and spiritual awakening.

Shams and Rumi met and locked themselves up in Rumi’s library for forty days before Rumi became enlightened.

The Buddha meditated under a tree for 40 days.

And Jesus Christ went into the desert for 40 days.

And the list goes on and on and on…

Forty days ago I met a very special woman. And it is bedazzling how I was struck like from lightning by her inner and outer beauty.

What kinda shocked me is that I drew the same cards that I drew before I fathered my daughter. What started out like the feeling that I found a muse now more like this could potentially become a deeper relationship.

And yes, fathering another child kinda became a possibility. Having a child is one of the most beautiful things in life… if not the most beautiful one. And since I am not allowed to see my daughter discover the world, deeply inside of me, there is the wish to father another child.

Today our fortieth day ended and indeed it was a special day, as we connected in a way we hadn’t connected before. So let’s see where life will take us. I’m not sure if it is the right time neither for her nor for me. Maybe I should hit the breaks…

In any case the last forty days were kinda crazy. Was she the catalyst or was it me:

In late September I realized I needed to cancel the contract with my agent. It feels like she expects from me to be a showmaster and business rather than my authentic self.

A few days later the app of my new project was launched in the app store. Woohoo, I actually do have an app in the app store now and the timing is kinda perfect, now that I have time to fully focus on promoting it.

And then, a few days later I edited an episode of my podcast where I interviewed a person I value very much. I find she is a genius, yet I found she had a lot of detrimental self-talk in the podcast. It was the first time I cut out the majority of an episode, as it was quite negative talk. I talked to her to tell her and she didn’t understand. She had a lot of frustration about her past and told me “I will forget but never forgive!” I automatically replied “Look, this is not healthy. Believe me, I can feel your pain. What shall I tell you?! I forgave the one who took away my child from me. I cannot be mad at someone who is hypnotized by other people or society.” I was kinda surprised by my response. But reality is, it is the truth. How can you be mad at someone who is not aware of what he or she is doing? And most people are in a. kind of hypnosis. Go check out my podcast episode with hypnotist Albert Nerenberg. And that’s why I’ve finally started going deeper into hypnosis this months.

At last I coincidentally saw a picture from my granddad in a newspaper article. It struck me. The article was about the 2,500 year celebration of the Persian Empire. 50 years ago the shah of Iran celebrated a “party” that famously was described by Orsen Welles as “This was no party of the year, it was the celebration of 25 centuries!” The Iranian Shah had invited the international elites including presidents, kings and queens from all over the world attended this celebration where the Shah declared himself as the “King of Kings” in front of the united international elite. It is no wonder that he was overthrown a few years later with the support of the West. I mean, who would be so bold as to offend the world’s elites so blatantly?

And my grandfather?! He was the man who stood right behind the Shah as the standard-bearer of the 2,500-year-old empire. Of course I was always aware of that fact, but at that moment it struck me once again and I had to laugh out hard about this absurdity: Me and my heritage were good enough for the international political and aristocratic elite but not good enough for the provincial “high-society” living around a lake in Austria 🤣

40 fun, intense, productive, transformative days are behind me. I mean, they were super intense. Let’s see what the next 40 have in store.

vox

Vienna

The week before I got divorced a sufi master told me “Your heart is so big, it is not meant to love and heal only one person! You should be happy that it will be free again soon.”

I was confused when he said that. I didn’t quite know what he meant.

A year later, I wrote “Wanna Roll with Me” where I layed out how intensely I love and what I expect from a woman I wanna roll with. Then, I was still thinking of myself only loving one person.

However, ever since I became true to myself again multiple healers and mystics have told me how “special” my heart is and that I heal through my heart… through my heart energy… through love… platonic or physical…

Truth is, I love intensely. And this type of love is not meant to last forever in this intensity. It is also not about building a relationship, it is meant to heal. Heal myself and the other.

Once the healing has reached it’s pinnacle, it is the time to let go. Not to let go of the other but the idea of a conventional relationship with each other. The past has shown me again and again that holding on to what is not meant to be a conventional relationship or conventional friendship, inflicts more pain, suffering and wounds than the initial healing.

What I wrote in “Wanna roll with me” is still perfectly true, yet – it might happen one day – but I’m not looking for a relationship… I am looking for a muse.

A muse is a goddess that inspires me, that loves me, who’s love heals my wounds, who’s inspiration makes my heart wide open and let’s it radiate even more. A goddess who follows my invitation to go on a deep spiritual journey encountering me in the depth of the sea as one.

In union, we are one, two hearts opening, becoming one, healing as one. The muse becomes the lover, the lover becomes the muse. In the moment of union, there is no lover and no muse, there is only one.

Just like The Sun of Tabriz and the Prophet of Love became one for 40 days…

And then, as the story goes, the lover and the muse who – in union – becomes the lover and the lover becomes her muse, part.

But not indefinitely.

They become two individual suns again that radiate even stronger than before. They are self-determined, authentic and true to themselves and the other(s). They live their own authentic truth, walking on their own authentic paths.

They part in love and then unite again and again and again…

Although when they unite again they know the intensity will never be like at their first encounter, depth will eventually replace that intensity.

It is no longer that burning intensity of lightning hitting you hard but the deep blaze of the sun that nourishes each other and inspires one another.

Two suns, that are free, authentic for themselves and love and inspire each other.

This is the way I used to love muses before I gave in societal conditioning by marrying but now I eventually might have found another one.

vox

Evia

Today, two years ago my daughter was born. Life is the ultimate celebration of life… it is the biggest gift that life can make.

A child belongs to both parents, yet is the property of none. And it brings so much joy to both families it derives from.

I still remember the magic and joy our child brought to us and our whole families and the six most beautiful months of my life thereafter.

It was a privilege to be able to witness my first daughter’s birth and I am grateful that the mother of our child let me be there.

I am grateful that the mother of our child gave birth to a healthy, intelligent and beautiful child.

I am grateful that she gave my family and especially my parents the joy and hope that comes with the first grandchild.

I am grateful that she allowed our linage to be continued, which always felt like a burden to me, since I didn’t want our millennia old Persian dynasty to end with me.

I am grateful, that the mother of our child was a strong mother and gave me the space from the beginning on while I was consumed with building a future for our family.

I am grateful, that she takes care of all the worldly needs of our daughter.

And I am grateful that she takes care of the emotional needs of our child a mother can give.

I am grateful that she is the best mother that she can be.

And I am grateful that she really tried hard to be a family although I obviouly didn’t fit into her world.

Eventually, it didn’t work out – however hard both of us tried.

There is simply a very deep gap in our values and our perception of life.

And although I disagree with her conclusions about me and, therefore, how she deals with the situation I am still grateful – grateful that she is the mother of our child.

Without her there wouldn’t be this miracle, our child.

Last year after the constellation work my spiritual teacher said that our daughter has her own karma and that this is the life situation she chose to be born into.

I love you Xenia Minou…

Koochooloo Kakadu

Baba